Feedback wanted on a short scene

[HaralLuhhan]

I wrote a short scene of my female MC receiving a lesson in flirting/seduction from her friend. I posted it below in the spoiler.

I'm new to this type of writing, so am not terribly confident that it sounds the way I hoped. Feedback and advice would be appreciated!


As Allie grabbed her bag, Chantal stopped her. “Wait, I want to show you something. Stand there.” Allie stood by the trunk, wondering what Chantal had in mind. “Now, the man, he is reluctant. You must make him want it. Flirt, brush his face with your knuckles,” Chantal began to do so as she was talking. “Lean in close, like this, your body close to his, tantalizingly close, but not quite touching, he can feel the heat from your body. You whisper in his ear ‘thank you for the wonderful evening’.”



Allie shivered, despite herself, as Chantal blew softly into her ear. She felt a tingle as her friends’ lips brushed her earlobe. She whispered, “I hope we see each other again.” Allie felt her hot breath against her cheek as Chantal caressed her neck, tilting her head as if to kiss. “You have to make him want it. Beg for it.” Chantal’s lips came tantalizingly closer to Allies. Allie instinctively tilted her head for a kiss, her heart beating a mile a minute. “And then,” Chantal whispered, drawing closer, her breasts brushing against Allies’. Her other hand on Allie’s hip. She pressed Allie back against the car. “And then,” she breathed…



And then she was gone. Allie opened her eyes in surprise to see Chantal walking to the driver’s door. “You leave him wanting more for next time. Tata Cherie. Good luck!” She winked as she hopped into her car. Allie was still watching, her heart thumping, as her friend drove off.

https://www.literotica.com/s/shifting-boundaries-ch-01 full chapter is published. I'd love some feedback

 

[spank_me_please]

I think it's quite nice. There's good suspense. My suggestion would be not to repeat the phrase "tantalizingly close".

 

[joy_of_cooking]

I'm happy to read three paragraphs for you but nothing shows up when I click that button.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Oh interesting apparently it works for some people. I'm on mobile, in Firefox on Android. Maybe that's the difference?

 

[spank_me_please]

Oh interesting apparently it works for some people. I'm on mobile, in Firefox on Android. Maybe that's the difference?

So I'm not sure how to ACTUALLY see the spoiler but replying to the original post reveals the spoiler contents in your response.

 

[AlinaX]

I wrote a short scene of my female MC receiving a lesson in flirting/seduction from her friend. I posted it below in the spoiler.

Huh, thanks @spank_me_please

The scene works quite well, I think.

 

[HaralLuhhan]

I removed the spoiler to make it easier Thanks for the feedback all!

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Fun scene. Seems fine, agree with not repeating "tantalizingly close".

 

[TheWritingGroup]

That's very good. There are little things I'd change if I was editing it, but nothing essential. In fact, they're mostly punctuation.

I have a question: what am I meant to visualize when you write "... brush his face with your knuckles"? I keep interpreting it as using the back of your hand for a caress, which I can't make seem sexy in my head.

-Eddie

 

[HaralLuhhan]

That's very good. There are little things I'd change if I was editing it, but nothing essential. In fact, they're mostly punctuation.

I have a question: what am I meant to visualize when you write "... brush his face with your knuckles"? I keep interpreting it as using the back of your hand for a caress, which I can't make seem sexy in my head.

-Eddie

Thanks! I was picturing her caressing the man's face with the backs of her fingers (fist almost closed). What would be better? Finger tips? It did sound awkward to me too, I know what you mean. And caressing is way better, lol, see, not good at this

 

[AG31]

I wrote a short scene of my female MC receiving a lesson in flirting/seduction from her friend. I posted it below in the spoiler.

I'm new to this type of writing, so am not terribly confident that it sounds the way I hoped. Feedback and advice would be appreciated!


As Allie grabbed her bag, Chantal stopped her. “Wait, I want to show you something. Stand there.” Allie stood by the trunk, wondering what Chantal had in mind. “Now, the man, he is reluctant. You must make him want it. Flirt, brush his face with your knuckles,” Chantal began to do so as she was talking. “Lean in close, like this, your body close to his, tantalizingly close, but not quite touching, he can feel the heat from your body. You whisper in his ear ‘thank you for the wonderful evening’.”



Allie shivered, despite herself, as Chantal blew softly into her ear. She felt a tingle as her friends’ lips brushed her earlobe. She whispered, “I hope we see each other again.” Allie felt her hot breath against her cheek as Chantal caressed her neck, tilting her head as if to kiss. “You have to make him want it. Beg for it.” Chantal’s lips came tantalizingly closer to Allies. Allie instinctively tilted her head for a kiss, her heart beating a mile a minute. “And then,” Chantal whispered, drawing closer, her breasts brushing against Allies’. Her other hand on Allie’s hip. She pressed Allie back against the car. “And then,” she breathed…



And then she was gone. Allie opened her eyes in surprise to see Chantal walking to the driver’s door. “You leave him wanting more for next time. Tata Cherie. Good luck!” She winked as she hopped into her car. Allie was still watching, her heart thumping, as her friend drove off.

The impression this left me with is that this is the beginning of a Lesbian awakening. Not sure if that's what you wanted or not. It was pretty good on the arousal front.

Diddley squat (You didn't ask for this, but I can't resist.)

She whispered, “I hope we see each other again.”

I had to read this 2.5 times to be sure who was whispering.

Allies

Allie's

a mile a minute.

So trite that it took me out of the story.

 

[HaralLuhhan]

The impression this left me with is that this is the beginning of a Lesbian awakening. Not sure if that's what you wanted or not. It was pretty good on the arousal front.

Diddley squat (You didn't ask for this, but I can't resist.)


I had to read this 2.5 times to be sure who was whispering.

Allie's

So trite that it took me out of the story.

Thanks for the helpful review. No, it isnt a lesbian story.

"She whispered" comment- yeah I was wondering about this. When its two women talking to each other, or two men, do you just resort to names all the time?

"So trite that it took me out of the story." - I can see that. Any suggestions what else to say instead?

Thanks

 

[AG31]

Any suggestions what else to say instead?

Sorry, no. My brain's too slow. But you did remind me to hunt for a dictionary of idioms, similar to WordHippo.com. I tried a couple and they were worse than useless when I searched for "a mile a minute." I've been wanting to find such a resource for a while now, as my aging brain has more and more difficulty retrieving idioms.

 

[StillStunned]

Check your possessives. "Allie's", not "Allies" or "Allies'", and "her friend's", not "her friends'".

Another tip that I've found useful for online reading is to limit each paragraph to a single character's speech, actions or reactions. It helps to keep the reader's mind moving forward, instead of flitting back and forth between characters. It also forces you to slow the scene down, draw it out, add more detail. Too many interactions within a single paragraph make it feel rushed.

 

[HaralLuhhan]

Check your possessives. "Allie's", not "Allies" or "Allies'", and "her friend's", not "her friends'".

Another tip that I've found useful for online reading is to limit each paragraph to a single character's speech, actions or reactions. It helps to keep the reader's mind moving forward, instead of flitting back and forth between characters. It also forces you to slow the scene down, draw it out, add more detail. Too many interactions within a single paragraph make it feel rushed.

"her friend's", not "her friends'". - Ironically that was a correction by Word's grammar tool.

Thanks for the review. I didn't actually mean to switch povs, didnt realize it would be taken that way. Good to know. I meant it to be from Allies pov, and what Chantal was doing to her.

 

[StillStunned]

"her friend's", not "her friends'". - Ironically that was a correction by Word's grammar tool.

Figures. Never trust a grammar tool.

Thanks for the review. I didn't actually mean to switch povs, didnt realize it would be taken that way. Good to know. I meant it to be from Allies pov, and what Chantal was doing to her.

I wasn't referring to POV, just the different characters' speech and actions. Your POV is fine.

 

[RoperTrace]

I'm going to be in the minority here, but I found it confusing. That was also way above what I'd call flirting; seduction, absolutely.

 

[HaralLuhhan]

I'm going to be in the minority here, but I found it confusing. That was also way above what I'd call flirting; seduction, absolutely.

Do you think the confusion was due to how it was laid out, like what StillStunned said?

 

[RoperTrace]

Do you think the confusion was due to how it was laid out, like what StillStunned said?

Possibly, like the #14 comment.

 

[HaralLuhhan]

So, just wondering, if I posted a story can I edit it later if I find something missing or wrong?

 

[StillStunned]

Yes, but edits to existing stories have the lowest priority for approval. Expect it to take at least a month, according to the latest reports.

 

[HaralLuhhan]

Yes, but edits to existing stories have the lowest priority for approval. Expect it to take at least a month, according to the latest reports.

Thanks, good to know. How long do new stories take?

When I post mine, I might post a link here to see if people here want to review it

 

[ElectricBlue]

Thanks, good to know. How long do new stories take?

When I post mine, I might post a link here to see if people here want to review it

Depending on content, 5 - 10 days is fairly typical. Once it's submitted, don't touch it. Every time you do it goes to the back of the queue.

Submit the best copy you can, by proofreading thoroughly and paying attention to grammar and punctuation. My advice is, don't use Grammarly or similar, because you'll open yourself to right up to blandness and the possibility of a rejection for using AI.

 

[HaralLuhhan]

Depending on content, 5 - 10 days is fairly typical. Once it's submitted, don't touch it. Every time you do it goes to the back of the queue.

Submit the best copy you can, by proofreading thoroughly and paying attention to grammar and punctuation. My advice is, don't use Grammarly or similar, because you'll open yourself to right up to blandness and the possibility of a rejection for using AI.

Thanks. I used the editor feature to ask someone to edit. They replied asking for details, but then disappeared. Not sure if I should find someone else or hope they get back to me

 

[ElectricBlue]

Thanks. I used the editor feature to ask someone to edit. They replied asking for details, but then disappeared. Not sure if I should find someone else or hope they get back to me

I don't know how useful the Editors forums is - I've never used it.

Here are some tips:

- change the font, colour and size every now and then, before your edit sessions. You'd be surprised how many typos you'll find.

- read through the last section you wrote before you read the next chunk. That sets up a rolling edit discipline, and also helps you get back into the flow of your text.

- get your grammar and punctuation right. They're the fundamentals of writing, get into good habits early. There's nothing worse than seeing lazy edit - if you don't know the basics, find a grammar guide and learn the rules. Don't rely on software to do it for you.

Hang around the AH, there's a ton of good advice; absorb it, ask questions.

Most importantly, I reckon: start small. Don't attempt some big thing until you know how to write, know your own style, know what works for you and what doesn't. Remember also, there is no "best way to write" - there are so many different approaches, so you need to find the one that works best for you.

Start writing, and keep doing it. Eventually, you'll look at your content and think, you know what, I'm starting to get good at this. That's when your apprenticeship is finished and you can really start writing.