Feedback wanted- Halloween story

[Totzman]

l'd love to hear what people think of my latest story:

http://www.literotica.com/s/dance-with-the-devil-6

Titled, Dance With the Devil, it's about a woman who goes door to door flashing her naked body to her neighbors on Halloween. I had a lot of fun writing this story and I hope readers enjoy it.

I tried to strike a balance between scary and sexy and I was very satisfied with the results. I was considering writing a sequel and I want to know if there would be interest.

 

[slyc_willie]

It's a fun premise, and you get into the story gradually. Personally, I think there was a little too much in the way of mundane detail, and much of the dialogue sounded like a Proper English script. That's not terrible, but a lot of the dialogue didn't ring true to me. It wasn't convincing.

I liked the switcheroo of the old man/young man and the eventual lead-up to the scary parts. Again, it seemed a little too drawn out for me, but I get that you were trying to be suspenseful.

All in all, it was a good story. I like how it ended (I won't spoil it for anyone who hasn't read it), but it seemed to me you could have done a little bit more to make it ominous. But that's just my opinion.

However, I do have one major gripe with your writing style.

You do a lot of tagging before your dialogue, then make a new sentence that carries on from that tag. Here's an example:

Gabby blushed.

"No thank you," Gabby said.

"You sure?" the man asked. "It's all warmed up."

"Thanks, but I need to get back to my husband," Gabby said, closing her robe. The old man raised an eyebrow.

"Husband, eh?" he asked. Gabby nodded.

"He was okay with this. He's just waiting for me."

"Well, you'd better go on then," the man said. "Happy Halloween."

"Happy Halloween," Gabby said.

"By the way-" the man began. Gabby stopped. "Nice melons."

He grinned. Gabby smiled.

Passages like this were jarring for me. It would read much smoother if it was more like the following:

Gabby blushed. "No thank you," she said.

"You sure?" the man asked. "It's all warmed up."

"Thanks, but I need to get back to my husband," Gabby said, closing her robe.

The old man raised an eyebrow. "Husband, eh?" he asked.

Gabby nodded. "He was okay with this. He's just waiting for me."

"Well, you'd better go on then," the man said. "Happy Halloween."

"Happy Halloween," Gabby said.

"By the way-" the man began. "Nice melons." He grinned. Gabby smiled.

You also overuse the word "said." There are dozens of ways to add dialogue tags. Try using declared, muttered, groaned, sighed, shouted, replied, answered, uttered, etc. You do change it up now and then, just not enough. And dialogue tags aren't always necessary. Readers can follow a conversation pretty easily if it's just two people talking.

Like I said, a good story. You just need to tighten up your prose and make dialogue tags appropriate to both the speaker and their placement in the narrative.

 

[RichardBacula]

Disclaimer:
In the creative writing classes that I took in college, the class would all read a story, then everybody would vivisect it in front of the author. Anybody who was easily offended usually dropped out.
I won't try to be unduly harsh, but I am honest and straightforward by nature, because that's how I want people to be with me. I want to be a better writer, and I can't figure out how to do that if everybody is always pulling punches, not saying what they really mean.
By that same token, keep in mind that everything I say is just one guy's opinion. Take it or leave it as you will.

Breaking down the first part of the story, I'll just type out my thoughts and observations as I have them:

"You sure you want me to do this?"

Good opening line. That has my attention, and has piqued my interest!

Gabby Becket stood apprehensively in front of the full-length mirror mounted on her bedroom door.

Nothing major here, but it seems like a mouthful of a sentence for the information that is conveyed.
I'd condense it down to "Gabby stood apprehensively in front of the full-length mirror in her bedroom."
Not much of a change, but I think it makes things a little tighter. Granted, I use characters' last names in some of my stories, but I'm not sure how necessary it is most of the time. If the last name isn't important, if it doesn't come up again later somehow, or if it doesn't establish something about the character, I'd say that you might as well ditch it.
Detail is good... but gratuitous detail can be bad.

Her husband Dan laid a red cloak out on the bed and ran his palms across the surface so it was nice and smooth.

"Of course I'm sure," Dan said. "Yours will be the best Halloween costume ever."

Dialogue sounds a bit unnatural. I'm not sure when the last time I heard anybody say "yours will be the best..." in real life. "It'll be..." or "You'll have...", sure. That would make more sense.
Granted, at this point, I don't know enough about the story or the writer to know if it's worded oddly on purpose or not. If it IS, that sort of thing could be highlighted in the dialogue tag:
"Of course I'm sure," Dan reassured her in his typical odd phrasing. "Yours will be the best Halloween costume ever."

Also, again, that first sentence in this part is kind of a mouthful. I'd have gone with "Dan smoothed out the red cloak on the bed, running his hands across the [adjective] surface." or something.

Dan grinned. Gabby grinned as well.

"They both grinned."

The truth was, this was her idea. She just couldn't believe Dan was so willing to go along with it.

"Well, as long as you're okay with it," Gabby said.

"Trust me, I am," Dan said. He watched as Gabby lifted her turtleneck sweater up over her head and tossed it aside. She wore a lacy white 38DD bra underneath around her round, natural breasts. Dan admired her sexy flat belly and full cleavage as she began to unzip her pants.

No. She is NOT realistically going to have a 38DD bra AND a flat belly.
And if she did, it wouldn't necessarily be attractive.
That's part of the problem with using bra sizes when describing, most people don't know what they actually mean, so the description is either inaccurate or meaningless.

When describing the size of anatomy, I tend to think that it's best to be rather general. If the point of the description above is that she has large breasts, just go with a mention of her "large, natural breasts" or her "generous natural breasts," or whatever.
"Large" and "generous" and such are beautiful words, because they act as a sort of Rorschach blot- the reader sees in them whatever he or she wants to see in them. Some readers might see "large breasts" as being the size of cantaloupes, some might see them as being the size of watermelons, and some might see them as being large enough to need their own wheelbarrow.
It gives the reader's imagination some room to work, and ultimately it's the readers' own imagination that's going to turn them on- your words just provide the framework for their mind to build on.
Get too specific, and you restrict the reader's imagination, often pinning them in a corner that they don't want to be in, or causing some kind of conflict in imagery that breaks them out of the story and/or makes them lose faith in the author.

Also, I'm starting to lose my focus/interest a bit. You had my attention at the start, but instead of elaborating on the situation, you're still trying to pique my interest, drawing out the mystery... but it's what they call "overselling," and you're bound to lose a few customers. You had me at the first sentence, now close the deal already and let me know what's going on.

"Have you decided what shoes you want to wear?" Dan asked.

"Flats," Gabby said, sliding down her jeans and placing them onto the bed next to her sweater. "I'll be doing a lot of walking. I don't think my feet will hold out in those heels."

"Flats it is," Dan said, removing a pair of dark red flat shoes from the closet and setting them out at the base of the bed. He turned to see Gabby facing her reflection in the mirror, examining her appearance in only her panties and bra.

I don't get turned on by descriptions of people getting dressed.
So far, I'd toss almost all of the above, and toss in any relevant details in later sections.
When I read about James Bond, I want to read about him AT the casino, not getting dressed for the casino.
When I read about Batman, I want the story to start with him at least out on a rooftop, looking down at a mugging he's about to stop, not about Robin helping him strap on his utility belt.
Start where the action is.

Skipping down...

Dan took a moment to enjoy his wife's naked body before handing her the red cloak. The plan was simple. It started with a prank Gabby had pulled a year earlier. Dan was handing out candy to trick-or-treaters while Gabby took a bath. Upon exiting, Gabby got the idea to put on one of Dan's trench coats and a Halloween mask. She slipped out the back door and sneaked around the house, without a stitch of clothing on under the coat.

THERE! Now you have my attention again.
I'd go directly from that first, attention-grabbing opening line, right into this paragraph, tossing in a dialogue indicator:
"You sure you want me to do this?"
Dan took a moment to enjoy his wife's naked body before handing her the red cloak. "Of course I'm sure! It was your idea."
The plan was simple. It started with a prank Gabby had pulled a year earlier. Dan was handing out candy to trick-or-treaters while Gabby took a bath. Upon exiting, Gabby got the idea to put on one of Dan's trench coats and a Halloween mask. She slipped out the back door and sneaked around the house, without a stitch of clothing on under the coat.

Skipping down some more....

"Can you tell it's me?" Gabby asked, her voice muffled by the plastic mask.

"I'd never guess Mrs. Gabby Becket would ever wear something like that!" Dan said.

Right there, you use Gabby's full name. No need to have done it before- this sentence covers it, and it establishes character. By using her full name and title, Dan's highlighting the fact that they're turned on by the naughtiness of it, that Gabby is (or considers herself to be, or is seen by others to be) to be normally prim and proper, possibly even dull.
Bothering with the last name earlier had no meaning, added nothing. This time, it has some impact and relevance.

Next part that jumps out:

Upon shouting the three words, Gabby quickly opened the cloak and revealed her naked body to Dan. She let him stare for just a second and then just as quickly, she closed the robe again.

That's a decent place to get into describing the physical appearance of Gabby's body, because the specific action in the story is her revealing her body to her husband.
A line or three along the lines of, "She let him stare at her for just a second, watching his hungry eyes roam over her naked body, taking in her large natural breasts, her perky, dark-brown nipples, the small tuft of pubic hair peeking out between her thighs."


Skipping down some more...

The front door opened, and Gabby's neighbor of nineteen years, Mike Willison stood before him, holding a plastic mixing bowl full of chocolate candy bars. Gabby made her move.

This is the first real age indicator I've noticed for Gabby, and it's open to interpretation.
On one hand, it might mean that Gabby and Mike lived next to each other since birth, and that Gabby is only 19 years old... but if the reader assumes that Gabby lives in her own house, that she bought as an adult, that'd push the age estimates up to the mid-40s or 50s range.
Some kind of stronger age indicator sooner would be nice, just so this part won't shock the readers by contradicting their somewhat established image of her.
If nothing else, a good place to toss it in would be when describing her body, when she's flashing it to her husband.

That's all I'll go over for now. If you found it at all helpful, let me know, and I can go over the rest.
Overall, good story, nice premise!
Keep up the good work.

 

[Totzman]

Thank you both for your insight!

slyc_willie- I debated for a while how to arrange my paragraphs but I always start a new paragraph when starting a line of dialogue. I thought that was what you're supposed to do.

Also, regarding overusing "said," I was a journalism student so it probably rubbed off on me there. My newswriting professor emphasized using "said" as much as possible and denied that it ever felt repetitive, so I figured that rule could apply to fiction writing as well. Seeing as it annoyed you, maybe that wasn't entirely true, so I don't know now.

RichardBacula- Great points. I agree with some of what you said, particularly the phrasing bits and establishing Gabby's age. A lot of what you said struck me mostly as your personal preference, which is fine, as I want to hear as many opinions as possible. (While I agree that describing characters getting dressed isn't the most interesting thing, I did want to complete the picture, so I made it brief and then moved on.)

I would definitely like to hear more. A lot of things you mentioned are things I never considered, so your feedback is very appreciated.

Thank you again.

 

[sr71plt]

There are critics who say only to use "said," so there's no rule there. Do what seems the least intrusive to you while maintaining clarity on who's speaking.

 

[RichardBacula]

RichardBacula- Great points. I agree with some of what you said, particularly the phrasing bits and establishing Gabby's age. A lot of what you said struck me mostly as your personal preference, which is fine, as I want to hear as many opinions as possible. (While I agree that describing characters getting dressed isn't the most interesting thing, I did want to complete the picture, so I made it brief and then moved on.)

I would definitely like to hear more. A lot of things you mentioned are things I never considered, so your feedback is very appreciated.

Thank you again.

Great!
Sounds like you have the right spirit here: take my advice if you like it, leave it if you don't.

I can go through more of the story in detail as I did above, but it'll get lengthy.
Should I just post here, where other people can comment on my comments if they like, or just sent you a PM?

 

[slyc_willie]

Thank you both for your insight!

slyc_willie- I debated for a while how to arrange my paragraphs but I always start a new paragraph when starting a line of dialogue. I thought that was what you're supposed to do.

Also, regarding overusing "said," I was a journalism student so it probably rubbed off on me there. My newswriting professor emphasized using "said" as much as possible and denied that it ever felt repetitive, so I figured that rule could apply to fiction writing as well. Seeing as it annoyed you, maybe that wasn't entirely true, so I don't know now.

Everything I post, by definition, is just an opinion. Don't take what anyone says as a golden rule unless they actually go out of their way to cite credible sources. And even then . . .

There is nothing "technically" wrong with the way you write. I merely pointed out the areas which I, as a reader, found personally troubling.

Keep writing.

 

[Etaski]

Also, regarding overusing "said," I was a journalism student so it probably rubbed off on me there. My newswriting professor emphasized using "said" as much as possible and denied that it ever felt repetitive, so I figured that rule could apply to fiction writing as well. Seeing as it annoyed you, maybe that wasn't entirely true, so I don't know now.

It's a fair point. I started writing fiction, then had to learn how to write scientific papers (VERY different). There is one thing in scientific papers that, like journalism, is expected because it minimizes assumptions: passive sentences, "The solution was heated to the boiling point."

You don't bring to mind images of specific lab techs doing things a certain way, as you would in fiction: "Angela heated the solution and waited somewhat impatiently for it to reach the boiling point."

In many cases, you won't know what caused the event in the first place, and choosing an active sentence structure will get more scientists on your ass for making assumptions about what you think is going on in your experiment.

And yet, in fiction, you are guiding the reader very directly through the story; you *want* active sentences and to avoid passive ones, you want people to visualize specifics about the characters.

Thus, using "said" every time (as journalists may do in an attempt not to influence in what tone it was spoken, but to keep it neutral and unbiased) doesn't work as well in fiction because then the characters start sounding like robots: the reader doesn't know *how* they are speaking, so all they can do is assume (which might lead to some pretty broad interpretations about author intent, depending on the story....).

So, see it that you want to say exactly what you mean to say for the characters, tone of voice, body language, facial expression that might accompany the words and help the reader better visualize what's happening. Fiction is not the place for the author to stand back and be a neutral party in the proceedings.

As the gents said, keep writing!

 

[Totzman]

Great!
Sounds like you have the right spirit here: take my advice if you like it, leave it if you don't.

I can go through more of the story in detail as I did above, but it'll get lengthy.
Should I just post here, where other people can comment on my comments if they like, or just sent you a PM?

Post it here please! I do like the idea of others providing input.

 

[sr71plt]

There's no pleasing everyone on what proportion of the dialogue slugs should be "said," so go with whatever seems to fit the context and ignore those saying either it should be used all of the time or saying it should be used rarely. There's no "rule" on that.

I was aghast when in the wrapup to a mainstream contest I was coordinating recently one of the judges said that only "said" should be used and that she rated down for not doing so. There's no such rule on that, so she was going too heavily with personal preference for a contest.

 

[Dream_Operator]

Also, regarding overusing "said," I was a journalism student so it probably rubbed off on me there. My newswriting professor emphasized using "said" as much as possible and denied that it ever felt repetitive, so I figured that rule could apply to fiction writing as well. Seeing as it annoyed you, maybe that wasn't entirely true, so I don't know now.

If they are only two characters in the scene, you don't need dialog tags for every sentence. It is implied that a close quotation mark means one character has finished speaking and the next person to speak will be someone else.

Also try varying your sentence structures. There is one part in your story where seven or eight sentences were all this format:

"Blah, Blah, Blah," Character said.

There are several ways to do this. For example:

Original

"Trick or Treat!" Gabby said.

Move the verb

"Trick or Treat!" said Gabby.

Use pronouns to mix it up

"Trick or Treat!" she said.

Use an introductory sentence (it's implied that the dialogue belongs to the character in the preceding sentence)

Gabby opened her robe. "Trick or Treat!"

Move the tag to before dialogue

Gabby screamed, "Trick or Treat!"

Or, if there are only two characters in the scene, just

"Trick or Treat!"

--------

For a first effort, I thought you did a good job with the story, but I came away thinking I didn't really feel it was Gabby's story. I don't think you really got inside her head and let the reader connect with what she was thinking and feeling.

You also head-hop to tell, rather than show, what Dan's is thinking. If you want to include that bit, save it until he is convincing her to go back into the house. That scene, BTW, seemed too nonchalant and lacked emotion -- like she was doing something as mundane as going to the supermarket. That could be a powerful scene, but you kind of gloss over it.

---

A couple of small things that I noticed:

He just hoped Gabby would not refute his advances.

Refute means to disprove. I think you meant reject or rebuff.

Gabby looked back at her husband; still waiting in the car.

Semicolons are used to join independent clauses. "still waiting in the car" is not an independent clause. You should use a comma in this case.

"Yes, please," Gabby smiled.

"Smiled" is not a dialog tag. You can't smile a sentence. You either need to replace the comma after "please" with a period, or change it to something like this:

"Yes, please," Gabby said, smiling.

----

Good luck with your writing.

 

[Totzman]

Thank you, Dream Operator. You've made some excellent points.

 

[RichardBacula]

"Smiled" is not a dialog tag. You can't smile a sentence.

It's NOT a dialogue tag, but it doesn't have to be.
It's a descriptive beat, "a sentence before, after, or breaking up dialogue that describes a character’s response or action."
Perfectly legit, and often better than dialogue tags, IMO.

The problem was that in this case, the descriptive beat was used as if it was a dialogue tag.
"Yes, please," Gabby smiled. is incorrect because of the comma after "please."
That should be a period (or an exclamation point, etc.), separating the dialogue and the description into two different sentences:
"Yes, please." Gabby Smiled.

 

[joelafayette]

.....

 

[sr71plt]

It's NOT a dialogue tag, but it doesn't have to be.
It's a descriptive beat, "a sentence before, after, or breaking up dialogue that describes a character’s response or action."
Perfectly legit, and often better than dialogue tags, IMO.

The problem was that in this case, the descriptive beat was used as if it was a dialogue tag.
"Yes, please," Gabby smiled. is incorrect because of the comma after "please."
That should be a period (or an exclamation point, etc.), separating the dialogue and the description into two different sentences:
"Yes, please." Gabby Smiled.

In other words, Dream_Operator was correct. It isn't a legitimate dialogue tag.

 

[RichardBacula]

In other words, Dream_Operator was correct. It isn't a legitimate dialogue tag.

Yes.
Which is why I started my post by agreeing that it's not a dialogue tag.
It's right there, in the first sentence of my post.
Did you miss that, or are you just jumping on the agreement bandwagon?

 

[sr71plt]

Yes.
Which is why I started my post by agreeing that it's not a dialogue tag.
It's right there, in the first sentence of my post.
Did you miss that, or are you just jumping on the agreement bandwagon?

No, I was wondering why you felt compelled to answer at all, and add confusion, since Dream_Operator took care of the issue.

 

[RichardBacula]

No, I was wondering why you felt compelled to answer at all, and add confusion, since Dream_Operator took care of the issue.

So you felt compelled to chime in as well?
Odd.
But to clear up your confusion, I'll point out that my post elaborated on something that hadn't been covered.
If you're still not caught up, I can explain further. Just let me know.

 

[Totzman]

Anyone else want to give my story a read through?