feedback virgin!

[missey_D]

Hi there,
Although I've been a member of Litrotica for a couple of years now this is my first time using the forums!
I've never had any feed back from the stories i've posted in the past so was just wondering if maybe some of your could cast your eye over them and see what you think, would really apreciate it! cheers
xDx

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=54510


http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=54663

Got a few more coming soon as well, will shout where they are up!

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Awoken to Fantasy

Basically you convey the sensations well: it did feel like a realistic record of the thoughts of someone who wasn't too worried, and got into the fantasy when they realized what was happening.

You need to be careful of typos, and to read over what you've written fixing spelling and punctuation. Nobody expects it to be perfect, and a typo's just a typo, but when it happens over and over again it gives the impression of carelessness, and the reader starts expecting the actual writing to be carelessly done too. Your writing wasn't, it was properly sustained, but people's attention is going to be distracted too much by a lot of little errors: to for too, breath for breathe, u, akward, King-size, loosing for losing, there for their.

You have quite a few sentences that begin with lower-case, and you have quite a few that run on and on just connected with commas. Together these give me the impression that you changed things, fused sentences, added bits, but didn't go back afterwards and re-read it all to make sure it flowed correctly after the changes.

Good imagery: 'the room slowly lights up with a soft glowing light'; 'the satin sheets soft against my skin, the soft glowing flames of the candles reflecting in the mirror'; 'even more slowly than before, down the small of my back, over my bottom, and down my legs'. You know the kind of things you want to show, and your choice of words is right. Your choice of pace is almost right: it would be better if you reread and checked it. You know how to put together sentences well.

 

[MLyons]

Missey_D,

I read and commented on your "Awoken to Fantasy" story. I thought I'd leave my more critical comments to the forum. I thought the story was great!

I generally become easily distracted by the writing that's in the present tense, but I was able to get used to it and overlook it here because there were so many other things going for the story.

You have a great instinct for tease, for description that titilates the senses of the reader, and promises things to come. And you have a good sense for using these tools to suck us in on the ride you're about to take. The undressing sequence in the beginning was just great in this respect.

Because your narrator couldn't see throughout most of the story, you were limited to describing feelings and reactions to string us along. That's a difficult thing to do of itself, and I thought you did it wonderfully.

On the more ciritical side, I did find that I had to read a couple paragraphs more than once to get a real sense of the narrator's position on the bed. At times it seemed like she might have been face up (when he touches her nipples for example), and I became confused on occasion with how he manipulated her into different positions. It was all there, as I discovered when I re-read it, but it probably could have been described more clearly.

Beyond that, there were several spelling and grammatical errors that could be solved by the use of an editor.

In any case, even given the present tense choice that you made, and a few little hiccups that could have been smoothed out by a critical reader before you submitted, this story turned me on. No doubt about it--and when it comes down to it, that's my ultimate measuring stick of a good story! As I said in my comment, I'm really surprised that no one had left you feedback previous to this.

Nice job!

 

[missey_D]

thank you!

Thank you both very much for taking the time to read my stories, and for giving me the very constructive advice!

I've read, and re-read what has been said, and I've taken all your comments on board. Although I do write the stories in MS word, and use the spell check, my main problem is I seem to mix words up such as to and too, there and thier etc etc and of course, the spell check doesn't always pick this up. Also when i get tired I have a habit of going into 'txt' mode, which I really need to be careful with!

Again, thank you both very very much!

xDx

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Shower for 2

Again, I have no quarrel with the imagery and the choice of words to set down that imagery: it's good, you know what you want to say it, and lay it out properly for us to see.

But this one is harder to read than the previous one, because of the way the sentences flow together without structure. It sounds like you've thought 'What do I want to say next?', then written that down, then gone on to the next thought, and so on, without going back and checking how they fit together. Like this:

I go inside to grab a cold can of pop out of the fridge and then go and sit back out on the steps again, I don't open the can, I'm not thirsty, I just want it to cool me down a little, I reach up and hold the cool drinks can against my face for a moment, closing my eyes I slowly running it down my neck and across my chest, savouring the cool feeling of it against my skin.

As you've written it, that's all one sentence, and divided by nothing but commas. The parts don't group together. It's just 'I did this. I did that. I did something else.' Except that you write it with commas: 'I did this, I did that, I did something else.'

The intonation of a comma is a brief drop in pitch. It's not the end of the sentence, as you're going to continue. Re-read that aloud: 'It's not the end of the sentence [gently down], as you're going to continue [up then down].' Because comma intonation shows connexion (as if to say 'I'm not finished with this part yet'), you expect the next part to be linked to it. Now try rereading your long sentence using a comma like that: 'here's one thing, and now here's another thing linked to it'.

You'll find it doesn't work, and you'll get to a point where you can't make the intonation sound natural any more. So break it up into complete sentences; or add stronger breaks with semicolons and colons. Punctuation isn't silent. It's pronounced. Read over what you've written, aloud, especially after you've changed something, and make sure it flows smoothly. That's the main thing you need to practise.