Feedback The Talons of a Dark Heart

[TalyisBagley]

Hello all,

This is my first story that I have written for others to read and my first erotica piece. I have had the story in my mind for long time. I know where I want to go with my story but I am wondering where to go from here.


Chapters 1-6 have been posted

Chapter 1 http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=423142
Chapter 2 http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=423256
Chapter 3 http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=423310
Chapter 4 http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=423310
Chapter 5 http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=425895
Chapter 6 http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=425907

I am already working on chapter 7 & 8 at this moment.

I never expected the responses that I have gotten both critical and praises.

Some starter feedback issues that I'd love to hear your comments on:

1. I dont want to get bogged down with too much character intent and backstory but I am trying to show a little more because it is important to the plot. BUT I dont want to slow the story down too much. How is it reading to you?

2. Are the themes of royal duty and obligation strong enough? (This is important in terms to Gareth, Novak and Talyis and why they do what they do with dealing with each other.)

3. Any other comments in terms of structure please post. Also if you have any question, I will try to answer them as best as possible without trying to give stuff away as it relates to stronger structure and plot development.

As I write 7 & 8 it feel like a rollarcoaster or a tug a war is going on with the charcters, who are so close to just being honest with each other to save a lot of heartache but they let their pride and duty get in the way. I hope the readers stay on.

Thank you! Thank you, thank you for your feedback. I so appreciated!

~T. Bagley

 

[JoshuaGlynn]

I just read through the first two chapters, and I plan to catch up with you later this week.

I have to say I really liked the overall story. It does hold interest and the pacing seems good. I think that the way your are introducing back story is the right way, so far. The little bits of rememberances without going into detail, made me what to keep reading to get those details.

I haven't read far enough in to answer your second question, but I am getting a sense of it from Gareth and Novak.

As to your last question, My advice would be to find an editor. You have good story, but the little mistakes can kill a good story for some readers. There were a few lines I had to stop and reread a few times to get your meaning. For a lot of readers on lit, that is a backspace and move on to the next story.

One piece of advice I would give you is to read the story aloud to yourself, or even better get someone else to read it back to you. You will find that errors like these are much easier to catch.

Structure wise, most of it looked fairly good to me. One Complaint though that you might get around here, is that a few of your paragraphs are a bit long for computer screen viewing. Massive blocks of text on a page is fine, on the screen though can be a big turn off.

I try to look at the big paragraphs and find where the idea changes, and break it up.

Example:

Novak looked down on the poor pitiful girl that used to taunt him when he was a boy. The princess's face streaked with dirt tears and her dark hair in knots and tangles instead of the long curls that flowed as she played in the gardens running after him in joyful laughter. Her skin was still beautiful to him, the warmth of browns, the reds hidden in cheeks, her big brown almond eyes that used to make him only want to smile forever.

She was no longer a girl but a woman with full breast, the curves of her waist leading a path to a virginal garden hidden between her clenched legs. He began to regret what he could have (had or done maybe) tonight and had put off for tomorrow. He was drawn to the curly black hair lined at the juncture she tried to hide from him. He pulled his stare away from her. He did not to be absorbed by this wench.

The first part is mostly about his memory of her, while the second is his view of her in the present. There is nothing wrong with this being a full paragraph, but reading on screen in smaller chunks is really appreciated by a lot of the hardcore readers.

The bold section there is one of those "throw you out of the story" points I was talking about. As written, it kind of jars you out of the story to get your meaning. the addition of one word would clarify it. If you are anything like me, if I had written it, and read back over it. my mind would probably just insert this missing word there I would never even realize the mistake. That is a good reason for an editor to catch things like that.

Anyway.... you can PM me if you have any questions. Again great story so far... Keep it up!

Happy writing

Joshua

 

[Tulip_123]

Hi there!

Hi! Finally i found some time.Though i m not the best judge of literature still i ll try.First of all,i want 2 tell u tht no matter what kind f story u write u hv great writing style.Keep it up!
Nw abt the questns.
1.I think uptil now the pace f the story s fine.It dsnt need hurryng or slowing.The way u induce back flashes s also doing good.U just hv 2 do some character buildng which u hv been succesfl in doin without boring the reader n telling us what v need 2 kno.
2.About royal duty n obligations,they dnt seem 2 b tht strong.Gang rape doesnt seem 2 b justified in any way.
3.I tld u i m not a great judge but as a reader i can say the story structure s good though thr r a few instances where it seems u hv forgotn words as has been pointed out.But it can b solved by editing.
Lastly dnt feel bad by the harsh comments.Evribdy likes ur work othrwise they wudnt hv been so affected.U hv great potential.So keep going n b back with a big twist in ur story.Bye!

 

[loneflame]

Stylistically, I'm lost. Did you use an editor? Is English your first language?
I had to stop after the first two chapters because of the writing. There are a lot of spots where the adjectives don't make sense for the context or the analogy isn't clear. Also, the first two definitely need more description of her thoughts and feelings about her treatment.
My recommendation is to run it through an editor and ask them to help you clean up some of the sloppy sentence structure.
I don't know if you're doing a back edit, but I definitely think you should consider doing one.

 

[TalyisBagley]

Ahh yes, I have had one other person say that they were stuck stylistically, Loneflame. I am going to do back edits and I do have a editor who has been amazing. Sometimes I am a malaprop and use the wrong words or metephor that doesnt make any sense to anyone but myself. Nope :/ english is my first language. I kinda find that I am looking for the right way to describe the emotions and I just make up analogies. I am learning how to read beyond this to make it understandable to more than myself as I prefect my stories.


____________________________________________________________________
Thank you Tulip for your observations- yep the gang rape seems to be a huge stickler with people whether to continue on and see what was going on behind this character (Novak) to do this or to just push the story aside. It is too soon for him to apologize and he's not yet ready to see things straight- but he has a--- strong attraction always to Talyis but its buried by his vengence.
Yeah the "quit writting" was pretty harsh. Inside I am screaming its still the beginning of the story- things need to change but not completely resolved in the next two chapters after 4. No one is ready for that. I had hoped in chapter 5 & 6 more of Novak's want to do whats right still is mired by his dark heart flaw. Maybe it wasnt reading that way.


________________________________________________________________________
Hi Josh, how do you seperate your paragraphs if its not really supposed to be a new paragraph? I know I am a bit wordy thats probably the solution, eh? Cant wait to hear what you thought of the rest of the submitted chapters

________________________________________________________________________

I have just posted 7. I hope you like it. I am onto chapter 9 already but not ready to post 8 because they are so many delicate plot issues that I dont want to rush. I am also going to do some back edits on 1-4 more on structure. Making it more readible

Has anyone else had a hard time reading the first few chapters any advice on what to fix to make it more readable as I do back edits. Please let me know, on how to make this story better.

 

[TalyisBagley]

Chapter 7

Hello

Chapter 7 posted over the LONG weekend!!!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=427917&page=1


Chapter 7 we learn more about Aricin life and their rebuilding. Also Novak is very conflicted.

I am still working on back edits.

Hope you enjoy chapter 7- please let me know what you think about the movement of the plot and the above questions.

Thank you so much,
Talyis

 

[TalyisBagley]

Chapter 8 has posted

Chapter 8 of The Talons of a Dark Heart has posted.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=432316


We left off where our capturec princess (Talyis) and the prince (Novak) have made love and Novak confesssed that he loved her as she fell asleep in his arms. Chapter 8 starts of course where 8 leaves off and we learn more about Talyis, her family and Novak's life after running away from Talyis's castle as a boy. You are sure to enjoy the twists.

Please dont forget to vote.