Feedback, Suggestions

[RedHotLass]

Lady in the Boutique was my first erotic story to ever make it into public view. The submission was accepted a few days ago, and I have received a few comments, however i was hoping to get feedback on how to improve it. Whether it be grammer, flow, adjective usage, etc. please let me know.

Thank you.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=493278

 

[_Lynn_]

Post a link to your story so people can find it easier.

 

[RedJohnny]

Thanks for a fun story!

I think yours is one of those stories where Blaise Pascal's famous quote about the length of a letter is applicable. ("The present letter is a very long one, simply because I had no leisure to make it shorter.")

In your case, it just needs a little tightening rather than massive editing. For example, the first paragraph isn't necessary. If you start, instead, with the second paragraph you're starting with her smell rather than her appearance, and it makes sense. She's occupied with looking at panties and then she smells a wonderful scent, turns to investigate, and BAM! She's in lust.

The rest of that paragraph carries us through her lusty journey, except for "Her back was to me, so I took note of how well her ass was shaped in the tight jeans she was wearing." which seemed to me a little more mechanical than the rest of the observations about the woman's figure and appearance.

There are a few words that feel out of place, as well. "Conjure" just didn't feel right, but that could just be a personal thing. "Dumbfounded by her intelligence on the subject" just didn't work for me. (a) Which ones are waterproof wasn't that hard a question and (b) the answer just isn't the kind of thing that makes one "dumbfounded."

The chronological transition from the shop to her home was a little awkward. At the beginning of the story she "just actually saw a woman who took my breath away," and the text is written in the past tense, but then there's this transition to the apartment and you switch to present tense. It's almost like you took two things you were working on and slapped them together.

Temporal issues aside, the masturbation and fantasy section is well done. There are a couple of places where, again, it could use a little tightening. For example, "I am inserting my tongue into her vagina now, allowing her fluid to drip onto my chin." is more of a mechanical statement compared to the rest of that paragraph, and doesn't seem necessary to me. If you finish that paragraph with, "Oh, she is so sweet, but slightly tangy, just the way I knew she would taste." you achieve the same image.

There were a couple of options for finishing that occurred to me rather than "Now, I have to go back. I wonder if she is still there." which seemed a little flat. For example, "I guess I'll have to go back before the panties go on sale. I wonder what time she gets off?" (for a little double entendre, as well).

Hope this helps, and I look forward to the next installment!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

RedHotLass

Your grammar and editing are pretty OK but your story is very poor. RedJohnny is on the button but I would add a few points.

Unless you're writing for a male audience that likes a male oriented view of lesbianism, your story sucks, sorry. There is no emotion or passion and girls are not often 'tits and ass' merchants. You write like a guy and there is nothing that corresponds to female sexuality.

The skill which gay writers here use to develop sexuality draws me in as does good lesbian empathy. You write lesbian fiction with a testosterone driven POV that is ignorant of the parameters that drive those relationships.

 

[RedHotLass]

RedJohnny,

Your honesty, criticism and suggestions were exactly what I needed. Thank you.