Feedback sought

[imharmless69]

No comments

 

[tickledkitty]

These links don't work.

 

[imharmless69]

Jeez, I really am a newbie, huh?

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

First of all, Harmless, your links don't work.

Meeting Beverly is at http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=326756
and
More Misadventures is at http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=326760

Meeting Beverly is pure stroke and not really very interesting. The characters are wooden and undefined. The action is ok, but nothing here goes beyond a single scene. Your beginning is thin

A few years back, separated from my first wife and before I met my current wife, I spent a lot of time on one of the popular online hookup sites.

I spent most of my time in the Carolinas chat room, and one day I started up a chat with a woman who lived in my town. We continued to chat in private for a few nights, until one day we realized we worked right across the street from each other.

Your middle is stroke and, I guess, your ending is your ejaculation.

You can do better. Go to the "Top List" and read, read and read some more. See how the best writers in LV do it and you'll a lot better.

More Misadventrures is more of the same.

 

[tickledkitty]

You've got the mechanics down for the most part, with the exception of a few typos and unexpected tense changes. I think you could use an editor.

It just wasn't that interesting to me. It all happened too fast. When he first got into her car, they started kissing and groping right away. I understand that they've been going at it online and on the phone, but they're still actually strangers. I would think they'd be kind of checking each other out. You didn't mention what she looked like at all. Normally, I'd say don't make a big deal out of that, but I think that's the first thing he'd be thinking about as he sees her for the first time.

It was really short with no real plot. There was no build up of tension. I think for a story to be really hot, there has to be more of a tease. You have to build that tension throughout. Otherwise, it's just more fucking.

There was nothing to make me like or relate to these characters.

 

[imharmless69]

I hope to get better with practice and criticism.

 

[tickledkitty]

I don't understand why the links weren't working, and I apologize.

I really appreciate your feedback. As I say on my profile, I'm used to writing essays, ad copy, speeches and the like, and this is my first shot at erotic fiction. I hope to get better with practice and criticism.

I'm sure you will.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Harmless,
The regs in this Forum, TK, Drk, me, Coudy, Cerise and others, will be tough on you. We want you to be succesful on Lit.

We may be somewhat hurried because we all have lives away from Lit and still dedicate a lot of time to doing this. Never be put off by us. We have all been through this and worked our way up the ladder of learning.

 

[Varian P]

Hi, Harmless.

I read "Meeting Beverly." Wow, you did a great job with the choreography and flow and momentum of the sex, so it was deliciously visceral and intense.

Clearly you've got a good handle on language--your prose is crisp and clean.

My suggestion is to give your next story a plot and characters with some depth. There may well be people who enjoy a story that's purely stroke, but there are plenty of us who need a story to have...well, a story, in order to truly enjoy the read.

Give the characters something to struggle with, some conflict with conscience, a fear to overcome, and people like me will go looking for your stuff to read for pleasure, rather than simply to reply to your request for feedback.

I hope that's helpful.

-Varian

 

[imharmless69]

A New Chapter

Thanks to all

 

[mjl2010]

If there's one thing I've learned in the past year, it's write write write and write some more and then listen to what the critics here say.

I've learned a lot and am still learning. Keep writing.

I didn't get to look at your stories yet, but after the holidays I'll try to get a look.

MJL