Feedback sought for new story

[PennLady]

Hi.

I posted a new story today called Island Encounter.

John, on a tropical vacation after a tough stretch at work, meets Sofia, who can provide him some...direction. It's under Erotic Couplings and has some dom/sub themes, although very light. More about two people agreeing to have some fun and fill certain roles.

I'm somewhat amused that this story, which is more sexually explicit than any other I've done, and in fact is all about the sex, is by far my lowest-rated. I have my theories on this, but wondered what others might think.

Thanks,
PL

 

[PacoFear]

Hi Pennlady,

I read your story and thought it was a solid one. It read a tad slow off the start for my tastes, but I gathered that was intentional on your part. The opening scene reflects that lovely, slow 'n lazy beach vacation feeling.

As for why you saw a dip in your score, guessing at the the minds of the Lit readership is a sloppy, haphazard business. Still, it’s always fun to speculate.

My uninformed opinion is that the Erotic Coupling readers aren't necessarily in the market for a D/s story. The more straight-laced, hetero male readers' fantasies may not include being "bossed around" by "some woman." No doubt they have real lives for that, what with wives and mothers and all. So my guess is you tried to feed fudge ripple ice cream to folks who were hoping for vanilla.

To combat the expectation problem, you might try to tip them off up front. Yes, your tagline "He just needed a little direction" hints at where your story is headed, but it may have sailed over a lot of heads. Perhaps a quick sentence in the Author's Note you have up front? Yes, this may cost you readers, the dreaded "oh, this isn't for me" clickback, but I'm not sure there's a middle ground. You either inform or you don't. Just finesse as best you can the way you describe your story in the Author's Note. I'll hazard a guess that words like "domination" and "submission" would cause faster clickbacks than something like "letting her take the reins" or "cedes control." Just wild speculation on my part.

The alternative would be to pick this sucker up and chuck it over into BDSM, but would you being doing better if this were there? I'm not so sure. They're a smaller audience and also seem to be a finicky, fractured bunch. One of their hang-ups is on labels, enough so that polite discussion in Lit's BDSM forums has resorted to the politically-correct sounding “PYL” (Pick Your Label) for the D's and "pyl" for the s's. So I wasn't surprised when I peeked at the comments readers left you and saw them griefing about the "pet" business. Personally I thought “pet” was fine.

If it helps, PennLady, I’m in precisely the same boat and I'm interested to see what other folks say. I have a lesbian story in the works with a D/s control sub-theme that I’m dead set on passing off as mainstream. I’m hoping the girl-girl angle will help make it more palatable for the vanilla fellas. It Seems to me that guys reading lez aren’t fantasizing about being one of the characters, they’re fantasizing about watching it.

Hope this helps,

-PacoFear

 

[talismania]

I really enjoyed reading this story, but then I'm one of those women who likes to take control with a man. I didn't respond on your comment thread because I figure I'm responding here.

What you've achieved is a lush, languorous and utterly sensual depiction of a D/s first encounter. You set up that these two may have other experiences, and I would love to see more of the evolution of their relationship.

If the story has any weakness at all--and I'm not sure I would call it a weakness given the atmosphere you've evoked and that this represents a smoldering rather than raging kind of sexual heat--it would be that the story starts out slowly and pretty much stays at a slow, leisurely pace. Some sex is slow and sensual, focused on the details of each act, so it succeeds for me. But maybe it seems to drag for some people? Hard to say.

I noticed a couple comments did not like the use of "pet." That's such a common pet-name in BDSM it borders on cliche. I didn't think anything of it, but there's a lot of repetition of the name, so anyone it does irritate, it will irritate a lot. It wouldn't hurt to come up with something unusual, just to give the dialogue more pop. Physical characteristics, personality traits, the name of her favorite fruit... everything lends itself to being made into a name.

Would this story fare better in BDSM? It might. People of that bent would pick up immediately on the power exchange taking place. Whether or not they would rate it as hot is anybody's guess. As with any other area of interest, you have people who prefer different flavors and find anything but their special kink uninteresting. I'm still too new to the forums to know how they'd react to your story. It's definitely D/s, though.

As for ratings... those are a mystery to me. Paco's take on it pretty much sums up my thoughts. A little something in the author's note may help ward off potential disappointment in readers, but it's not like you have the kind of content that warrants a warning. Unless, of course, it's necessary to warn readers that the story deals with a woman bossing a man around. That just doesn't seem on the same scale as non-consent or gay content. On the other hand, maybe for some readers it is...

Anyway, I liked the story a lot! Love the writing, love the mood. Hope whatever I've had to say is of some use to you.

 

[PennLady]

Thanks

Well, perhaps I erred by putting this under Erotic Couplings and not BDSM. Honestly, though, I thought the D/s elements were so light that it didn't qualify. I kept envisioning putting it there and people saying, "What, you call this D/s?" Ha ha. Oh well.

I can see where "pet" can pose a problem on a few levels. However, since I am not into D/s myself (I wrote this for a friend) and since I can't stomach the use of the word "slave," I went with "pet." I suppose I could have found another word but it seemed to suit.

Thank you guys. Paco, as you said, perhaps more of an explanation should have gone up front. Author's notes are tricky, as you don't want to give too much away, but sometimes they help.

I did post this under "female domination" at Erotic Stories and it did well; another argument for recategorization, perhaps.

Thanks again,
PL

 

[kuellar]

On a purely technical front, I think your story was beautifully written. You made great use of descriptive terms; I don't think you went overboard at any point and the descriptions always enhanced the story rather than detracted from it. You also have an excellent feel for a narrative voice, it was easy to put myself in John's shoes even if that's not a situation I'd normally be in.

I don't think the low votes have anything to do with technical shortcomings. It's next to impossible to glean anything specifically useful from votes, but looking at the comments provides some clues. I think PacoFear is right, although honestly I'm not sure there's much you can do about it. You could place a disclaimer in your author's notes, but that seems rather pointless. Not to mention it sets an uncomfortable precedent of just how detailed your "disclaimer" needs to be. You could move the story to the BDSM category, but that seems like too much of a concession - the BDSM theme is not strong enough here to really warrant that (in my opinion).

In the interests of saying something at least marginally constructive, I noticed a couple of small typos:

"Make sure use plenty of oil" -- missing a "to";
"then gave a smile that has his blood rushing south again" -- "had", not "has"

I don't know if you're looking for that kind of feedback, but I thought I'd point it out anyway.

Again, well done on an excellent story. It's a shame it didn't get the votes it deserved, but that's how it goes I guess. Keep writing!