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[darwinmulay]

Hey everyone, I have written a few stories. Please give me your valuable comments and suggestions for improvement.
https://www.literotica.com/s/a-naughty-bus-travel-experience-ch-02
https://www.literotica.com/s/a-naughty-bus-travel-experience
https://www.literotica.com/s/sally-makes-my-day-1

 

[MiddleAgedMan]

I only had time for a quick look at one of them now, will give them a more thorough look later. I would say right off the bat that you need to shorten your sentences. I saw one that covered seven lines with a single comma.
When you proofread, try to read it out loud and find where a natural pause occurs, then place a comma there.
Or better yet, break it up into separate sentences.

There were also parts that had a lot of repetition; several sentences in a paragraph beginning with I or As or some such word.

I also got the impression there were parts that could benefit from a slower pace, too much happening in a short while. Unless that was what you were going for.

Like I said, it was just a quick look, will try to read more later tonight.

 

[AngstIgnored]

I have to agree. Very long sentences and even longer paragraphs. They seem rushed in that there is very little in the way of plot development. Of course, that could be your intention. Flash stories short and to the point. If so, consider making the sentences match the brevity of the overall story.

 

[KimGordon67]

I had a read of the Chapter 2 of the Naughty Bus Experience story. A couple of things ... first, it was difficult to really follow what was going on, I think because of the overly detailed nature of everything. Obviously detail is good, but while it was probably clear in your head what was happening regarding the physical aspects, it was difficult to keep up with that as a reader.

Also, it just seemed extremely unlikely that a young woman would end up both practically naked on a bus, and also masturbate in her sleep. When I sleep on public transport, I'm never *totally* asleep, and I would bet most women are the same. You've gone to some trouble to set this up as a realistic story, with the detail of the bus trip etc, so this total lack of realism is pretty jarring. (I also personally prefer my erotica to seem at least feasible within the universe that's been established, so that might be a personal preference thing.)

 

[suestevenson143]

Will check it out