Feedback requested

[towelrack77]

Hello to you all. I am a webie and just had my first story posted here on Lit. It is called "Delirious" and can be found under "exhibitionist/voyeur" category. I hope you enjoy it, and can give me some feedback on whether it is a good story or not. Please be honest, I can take it! Thanks!
Towelrack 77

 

[towelrack77]

Oops! That should say "newbie"

 

[MLyons]

Here's a link to towelrack77's story.

Delirious

 

[Omni]

I like all the senses you use, tying in the music, the setting and out of body experience is good. However in the end this is just two people who like each other, like to fuck each other, and they fuck.

With the imagery you evoke so well, it is too bad more tension could not be found.


And, you very much need to break up those large blocks of writing into smaller paragraphs.


Nice people, fucking nicely, is there sexual tensions or excitement in porn anymore.

For a first story you write decent, which is not a given around here.

Omni

 

[Guest]

ditto

 

[dr_mabeuse]

What Omni said, especially about those monolithic paragraphs.

You see that a lot on Lit. For some reason, when people get to the sex, they start writing in long, dense, hard-to-read paragraphs.

---dr.M.

 

[towelrack77]

Thanks to you all for your kind responses. Well, I am sort of new at this and have never really had any kind of critique, so this is good for me to hear. I will try to apply this to future writings. I will also edit part two, which has already been wriiten, with this in mind. Thanks again.

Towelrack77

 

[cookiejar]

Thanks to you all for your kind responses. Well, I am sort of new at this and have never really had any kind of critique, so this is good for me to hear. I will try to apply this to future writings. I will also edit part two, which has already been wriiten, with this in mind. Thanks again.

Towelrack77

I will be reading your story later tonight, but I saw your name I had to respond. Thanks for the laugh.