Feedback requested please

[ButterflyLane]

I'd appreciate thoughts on this story- I know it isn't as good as the other I posted, but I'm not quite sure why.

Thanks in advance!


Ritual Deflowering on Halloween
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=113500

 

[dr_mabeuse]

First of all, what's going on with this "tribe" business? Who are they? A cult? Satanists? Native Americans? It's a big part of the story but you never tell us.

But that's not the main problem with the story. The main problem is that the story is basically like a joke. I don't mean that in a bad way necessarily. What I mean is that instead of having a real climax like a normal story, where all the action reaches a culminating moment of dramatic tension, it has a punchline, a piece of information: "Oh, it's Matt!" That's the dramatic highpoint of the whole story, and once that piece of information is delivered, all the tension is gone. The story is effectively over, and everything else is downhill and anti-climactic.

There's a way to fix this story, I think, but it would take some major revision. What you want to do is shift the climax from the revelation that her deflowerer is Matt to the actual act of her deflowering.

Look: you've got her frightened and tense at this tribal meeting with the candles going and hooded figures in the shadows and she's about to lose her virginity. This is a very dramatic moment. It's the story's payoff; what we've been waiting to see. You've got to expand that scene and describe her deflowering as the climax of the story. Probably she should be nervous as hell that she won't be able to go through with it and terrified of being watched by so many strangers at such an intimate and emotional event as losing her virginity. She's almost shaking with terror as she lies down on the slab, and now she learns that the man is Matt, so that's some relief, but still: can she do it? Can she make love in public like this? He caresses her, arouses her, the crowd gathers around, murmuring and pressing close, Matt gets on top of her, the climac is here, and... Yes! She can! And it's wonderful! And she doesn't care who's watching because she loves him and he loves her and they have fabulous sex etc. etc.

The mystery lover/rapist who turns out to be the woman's lover/husband is an old plot in erotic stories, but that doesn't mean that there's anything wronmg with it or that you shouldn't use it. The problem with this plot is always the same: how do you keep the story alive once his identity is revealed? The way you do it is by making the act of sex the dramatic climax of the story.

Your sex scenes could use some expanding anyhow. The actual sex in both scenes is described in one sentence each. If you promise us a deflowering at the top of the story, then you've got to give us more than a one-sentence description.

And please tell us what the hell is going on with this tribal business?

Good luck,

---dr.M.

 

[sanchopanza]

i think the whole "tribe" concept works either way - whether you tell us who they are or not - but it could be very interesting building up a little history of them and explain why the hell they do what they do - maybe have more than one ritual deflowering . . . just the same comments as dr. mabeuse really - just needs a little more padding, context, explanation, what you will

 

[ButterflyLane]

I think you're both right. This one was sort of 'thrown together' in a short time. I should have taken more time and worked on it before getting hyper and submitting it. *Mental note to self: wait 48 hours after finishing to reread and submit.*

On that note, did either of you read my other story? I think it was far better done- I worked on it for probably 2 weeks or more. I'd love to know what you thought of it.

(I'd post the thread but my puter is being a hag this morning... I can only open one window at a time. The story is called Silent Night.)

Thanks again for the constructive criticism- it's a big help.

-Butterfly

 

[sanchopanza]

the link is: http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=105080

i really am not a fan of the second person perspective - oddly enough it is harder to envisage when somebody tells you that you are doing something than when they are recounting somethng they have done. i know a lot of editors don't like it as well. that aside i think it flows well - when i read something i judge how good it is by what it would sound like read aloud and this sounds good read aloud. its a shame it couldn't be a part of a story but the scene is good - its slow and sensual and without a trace of vulgarity.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Yeah, I second what Sancho says. I very, very, rarely read a second person piece that I like, not only because I don't like being ordered around and told what I'm feeling (and yes, the reader's mind does work like that), but because second person is the voice of the daydreamer, and daydreams, no matter how nice they are, are not really erotic fiction.

---dr.M.