feedback requested for a new author

[chartersaveme]

hello! i'm a relatively inexperienced writer with some serious fantasies that needed to be put into words. hence these stories:

Horny Meetra Part One
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=300767
Horny Meetra Part Two
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=303539

personally, i'm more pleased with the way part one turned out, although part two had been waiting to be written for many years. i'm hoping for general feedback, and also where people might like to see meetra going. (part two has some typos - gonna submit an edit soon.)

let me know what you think! enjoy!

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Welcome. I've only read the first story at this time.

After reading the story, I really couldn't see the point of the story. It seemed to lack direction.

I didn't quite understand this part, it didn't make a lot of sense.

We were rocking rhythmically now, my hips bucking to match his hand. Obviously, I was so randy at this point that it didn't take much to put me over the edge. I arched my pussy against his hand as he rubbed, grinding my clit against the inseam of my jeans, and I came hard and fast, too fast, whimpering into Ali's starched collar, already wishing it wasn't over so soon.

As my fiancé discreetly excused himself to the restroom to take care of his own business, I was left on the sofa, nipples and clit throbbing, unfulfilled and unsated. The muskiness of my crotch and the freshness of his laundered shirt still filled my nose.


Your character has an orgasm in one paragraph and in the next you have her feeling unfulfilled. I think this could have used a bit more explanation.

Then the next paragraph starts several months later. I would either inserted a break in the story, or added a transitional paragraph.

You have quite a few paragraphs like this one. They need to chopped up a bit to make it easier to read.

"No Jane, you cannot think that. What Jared did to you was awful, but don't you dare think for a second that you deserved it. You are wonderful and kind and beautiful, and you deserve someone who is worthy of you, not scum like Jared." She finally stopped crying and looked straight into my eyes, her fingers interlaced with mine. I was reaching up and wiping the tears off her face with a tissue, when she suddenly grabbed my hand, and leaned forward and kissed me. Immediately the sleeping fire in me erupted, and my mouth opened, accepting the kiss and allowing Jane's tongue to explore my mouth. My hands somehow found their way to the small of her back, pulling her body closer to mine.

This is what I would do...

"No Jane, you cannot think that. What Jared did to you was awful, but don't you dare think for a second that you deserved it. You are wonderful and kind and beautiful, and you deserve someone who is worthy of you, not scum like Jared."

She finally stopped crying and looked straight into my eyes, her fingers interlaced with mine. I was reaching up and wiping the tears off her face with a tissue, when she suddenly grabbed my hand, and leaned forward and kissed me.

Immediately the sleeping fire in me erupted, and my mouth opened, accepting the kiss and allowing Jane's tongue to explore my mouth. My hands somehow found their way to the small of her back, pulling her body closer to mine.

There are long periods during the story where it is nothing but a long narratation. You would benefit by adding some dialogue in these places to bring the story more to life. The last third of your story is much better in this regard.

Generally if you use dialog, it should start the paragraph, at least within the first sentence or so.

Jane's pace suddenly increased and we both began to pant and grunt with every thrust. I hung in that moment for what seemed like hours, when finally, bolts of electric pleasure shot through me from head to toe, leaving hot trails on my skin where they had been, and then, as I grasped Janie's shoulders and screamed, I erupted, vision and sound lost for who knows how many seconds or hours or days, as I shuddered and shrieked with the intensity of the orgasm. When I finally came to, Jane was still pounding away, sweat gleaming on her creamy skin. She was repeating my name, "Oh Meets, Meets, oh fuck Meets, oh fuck..." and as I pinched her nipples one last time, she came, howling and thrashing like a cat. Completely spent, she collapsed on top of me, dildo still in my pussy, my legs still wrapped around her.

This paragraph should look more like this...

Jane's pace suddenly increased and we both began to pant and grunt with every thrust. I hung in that moment for what seemed like hours, when finally, bolts of electric pleasure shot through me from head to toe, leaving hot trails on my skin where they had been, and then, as I grasped Janie's shoulders and screamed, I erupted, vision and sound lost for who knows how many seconds or hours or days, as I shuddered and shrieked with the intensity of the orgasm.

When I finally came to, Jane was still pounding away, sweat gleaming on her creamy skin.

She was repeating my name, "Oh Meets, Meets, oh fuck Meets, oh fuck..." and as I pinched her nipples one last time, she came, howling and thrashing like a cat. Completely spent, she collapsed on top of me, dildo still in my pussy, my legs still wrapped around her.

I will look at your second story later on this evening, or tomorrow. You, and your story have potential. Good luck.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi and welcome. Scary, isn’t it, posting your first story. No need to worry. You seem to have a good reaction already and I think you’re going to do really well here.

I think drk’s comments and advice on part 1 are spot-on.

On direction, you get plot, character and timeline rather confused. This is a lesbian story, so Meeta and Jane are the main characters. Ari and the engagement should be relegated to a secondary position, used to explain the cultural and religious taboos that leave Meeta a very frustrated virgin who is having lesbian fantasies.

The story should follow the growing relationship between the girls, leaving Meeta to wonder about Ari. The Ari sex scene is best omitted – again brief reference to frustration – and the bridal shower scene limited to Meeta coming home and reliving the moment as she puts the strapon away. Jane wasn’t there so the shower is extraneous to the plot.

In writing first person you cannot know the thoughts of other characters unless there is dialog. Without this the characters are cardboard cutouts. Also, first person is useful to explore the main character’s mental conflicts – why does she fancy a woman? Is that being unfaithful? Is this sex before marriage? Lots of tossing about in bed worrying and analyzing.

In part 2, if you are going to submit an edit, you might consider changing the category. This would probably go better and do better in First Time.

Again drk’s comments on dialog and paragraphs from part 1 apply – until the last third! Suddenly you let yourself go and the pace changes dramatically. Much better style to read.

This wedding day part has no tension and seems out of character. Shouldn’t Meeta be more nervous during the evening? What will Ari expect of her? After the chaste waiting can she get naked with a man watching? Perhaps she is lesbian and won’t be able to enjoy sex with Ari? And so on. Dealing with these fears and then having great sex would make things more interesting.

A virgin bride who has never been naked with a man before is lustily fantasizing on her wedding night about a threesome with double-penetration, strapons and anal sex? Even in my fertile imagination this seems a bit unrealistic, or perhaps I read the wrong stories.

IMHO, you ought to leave this couple now. The virginity/wedding was the dynamic that got you here but now that’s gone. You might do better by starting with new characters.

Don’t be discouraged. This is a good effort for a first time story and it is clear you have the talent to develop into a popular author here.


Well done

Elle

 

[symphonicscream]

Will you share Jane with me?

Well chartersaveme, after reading parts one and two, I find the stories delightful! I am positively in love with Jane! Please bring her back in a part 3!

Unlike the other 2 posters here who have already responded to you, I have no detailed critique. Like DarkSideOfTheMoon, I too noticed, in part one, Meetra's orgasm and her still feeling unsatisfied from the dry fuck with Ali, but I think the psychological dimension --her frustration and embarassment at being denied a real fuck-- was so well done by you that I found it all very plausible.

Would you be mad if I tried my hand (writer's hand, that is) on a Jane story? I think I can fantasize about meeting her and not knowing Meetra or Ali. I don't want to give her inauthentic characteristics but I could study her closely in your writing and try not to embellish her too much, more to explore my own reactions to such a woman than develop her character in a direction you might not want.

Truth is, I don't have much real-life inspiration right now, well, except this one woman who is a mom at my son's school, but maybe I could have Jane teach her a few things for me?

My compliments on your very believable and delicious writing, --Scream.

 

[Velvet Bubbles]

I would have to say I agree with the first two posters. I only skimmed their answers, but they seem to have it down good. I didn't even finish maybe the first 3-7 paragraphs of the story. It was wasn't doing anything for me. It didn't make complete sense. Do keep writing though. You'll improve with practice. It does take a while. Keep going.

 

[chartersaveme]

wow!

i must say, i am very excited about the feedback. all of you made great suggestions, and i will definitely keep those in mind the next time inspiration strikes.

both of these stories were basically very personal fantasies/daydreams that had been floating around my head for months, and i had to basically just plunk them down so i could move past them. so considering that, i guess i didn't do too badly.

personally, i am more interested in jane and meetra, rather than meetra and ali. i don't see those two going anywhere. but scream, you are more than welcome to borrow jane. i would love to see where you take her, because lately i've been thinking about what she might be up to.

thanks again folks!