Feedback Request

[Cara_Lynn]

My first story is posted in the BDSM section.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=496353

I am looking for some feedback, to help me develop as a writer. Could you spare a few moments to assist me?

Thank you!


Cara

 

[favoritesgoddess]

Congratulations on your first story! And on asking for feedback. I've found that the people in this forum that read and comment are usually very thoughtful and helpful and I hope I can be too.

I see that it's posted as a Ch.1, so I'm figuring that perhaps some of what I'll have to say might be resolved in upcoming chapters. Bearing that in mind, if you know the whole story in your head and only write a small part of it, make sure that the part you're publishing by itself can stand alone.

I didn't feel like I had a clear picture of the main character in my head. And that's my first problem. I wasn't introduced to her, so to me she seems to go from being a homebody, to a raving nymphomaniac, to a submissive in about a thousand words, maybe less. That's a lot to take in as a reader. It's completely possible to tell the story of going from reluctant to leave the house, to feeling horny and on the prowl, to running into an ex and falling into an old routine with him. But it should probably be a much longer story. Remember that we can't see into your head and we only know of the characters what you tell us of them.

I got the impression from the brevity of the piece that it was intended to be more of a "quick stroke" kind of piece, and those are great. If the sex is the whole point you can keep the main character fairly anonymous, give us a little bit of what's going on in her head and a lot of what's going on in her body. To that end, I would suggest in a short piece like this that you focus in on one aspect of her mood.

For instance, in the first paragraph, I felt like she was depressed that her man is with someone else and is being reluctantly dragged to a party, but then that mood is just abruptly dropped when she's suddenly and out of nowhere, really horny. She thinks about him in the tub and diddles herself, but I had trouble believing that she was so turned on by pretending he was still there that she thought picking up someone else at a party was a good idea.

Halfway through, she's gone from reluctant to on the prowl. If she's someone who's horny as a forty-peckered roadrunner and is going out to try to get back at the ex, I'd have started the story with that angle. Establish earlier that she always primes herself in the bubble bath and gets herself good and worked up before going out. Then there's not that abrupt mood change between "I don't want to go out" to "I can't wait to go out".

Finally, in the third part we get that she was a kind of submissive to her ex. I wondered about it being in BDSM category since there was really no indication of it leading up to that. She mentions him being rough with her when he was jealous, but that doesn't make a dom/sub relationship per se. Again, I'm assuming that other chapters are intended to flesh out their relationship to one another, but the bits I got were more confusing that edifying.

A third route to go with the characterization in the story would have been to focus on her reaction to being a spurned sub. How do you stop being submissive to your master when the relationship is over? Or do you?

And then bearing all that in mind, it's completely possible to combine all three; it just takes more words than you used. Also, I felt when reading it that in the interest of moving the plot along, you resorted to just telling about what the character was thinking, how she was feeling. Don't tell me; show me. Let her actions and her words move the story along.

Plot issues aside, your grammar could use some proofreading. There were quotes where quotes didn't go and some changing of tenses (present to past) that made it hard to read in places. Try reading your story aloud a couple of times to make sure the language flows. If something seems stilted or disjointed to you, it will to the reader, too.

I thought your descriptions of sex were vivid, only I would have liked to see them last longer. It seemed like the second she was penetrated, she came. Make it last. A good writer can take a character from aroused to climaxing in three strokes but takes five pages to tell about it.

I think you've got a good beginning going on here, and I'd love to see you really get in there and put some flesh on these characters. I know other readers will have some good ideas for you on how to do that, too. Keep on writing!

 

[soflabbwlvr]

The goddess has already identified most of the points that occurred to me while reading this story. The only point I would add is precisely what bothered me the most; that is, the story is told from the second person point of view. This style of writing is commonly used by many first time authors on Literotica, but I rarely find it used successfully. In most cases, I am already hitting the back button as soon as I read the first reference to 'you.' This issue comes up frequently in this forum, and it has given me a chance to consider why I find the second person point of view so annoying. There are two primary reasons. First, unless the character is a 49 year old male, 'you' is not and cannot be 'me.' The other thing that I find annoying about this style is that I don't like being told what to say and how to feel. When the author tells me what I am doing, saying, or thinking, in most cases my response is "I don't think so." I can read about and empathize with the reactions of other characters, but most authors are simply not good enough to tell me how I would react. It takes a great deal of skill to make 'me' feel like 'you.'

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Congrats on your first story, it's quite an achievement.

Sofla and goddess have covered a lot of good ground, but I think you are making the mistake of confusing messaging with story writing.

I would suggest your choice of first and second person and present tense are all wrong for a standard story. Also, there is little conversation that moves from 'show don't tell'.

We are outsiders, so you must flesh out your characters to make us relate to them - positively or negatively. Also, stories are more easily told in past tense and you make life difficult for yourself by choosing present tense. By using first person and second person you kill the idea of action and conversation, leave the reader totally outside and make the story a 'stream of conscioness' piece - which usually gets low scores.

IMHO, get rid of the first person, use past tense, jump into the party action quicker and decide who is your protagonist and who is the antagonist. the vague possibility he is a married man is not enough.

You asked for a critique. I think you have the makings of a good writer but you are not thinking enough about readers yet.

Good luck

 

[KillerMuffin]

I do have to back up the Second Person POV thing. The character wasn't thinking of me at all during bath time, and if she was, well, she's doomed for some serious disappointment. I have no penis. Not only do I have no penis, I'm not anyone's ideal dominant partner in the looks department. I'm short and I look really harmless. And then, of course, we wind to the point of the story where the speaker pines after my cock. See above. Second person is almost always an instant back-click for most readers. Either they're the completely wrong gender to be "you" and/or none of the characteristics assigned to "you" fit the reader. You have to be a master craftsperson to use second person properly.

The second overarching issue is the tense. I'm mostly ambivalent about tense in stories. I think the tense should be chosen because that's what the story's setting demands. Most people choose present tense for the wrong reason. They falsely believe it brings immediacy to the writing, or they don't even think about tense and just write what comes naturally. There is a certain way that time is viewed in the narrative world. Past tense equals the present in the narrative world. Present tense is not the present in the narrative world, it's bordering on the future and promises things that can't be delivered. How can you write a story and take a bath at the same time? More to the point, how can you orgasm and write coherently at the exact same time? You can't. Present tense asks things of readers that readers rarely think about, just react to. It's why present tense is usually off-putting.

The third overarching issue is one of plot. The first half of the story seems to be completely pointless. It's gratuitous sex in all of it's boring glory. Some of us are very jaded people and sex is boring if it doesn't have a reason to exist. Most of use (that would be a large swath of your readership) are there just for the sex. Plot, to them, isn't strictly necessary, it's icing on the cake. For some of us, though, plot is necessary and the sex is the icing. You'll find that even the most masturbatory readers and writers get bored with just sex after a while. You'll also find that masturbatory readers leave you the least amount of feedback. They're a hit and run crowd. It's not that there's anything wrong with their use of pornography and why they're there, it's just that once they are good consumers and once they've "consumed" free porn, they feel no need to pay for it any way. It's free, right? Some will because they're just extra nice people. They'll tell you how much they loved it and can't wait for more. Others will because they're not so nice. They either want to tell you how much of a loser you are or see if you want to either cyber or meet for sex. But that's all speculation on audience, not really about plot.

As favoritegoddess said earlier, it's hard to get a handle on plot because you've only just started a longer story. I suspect you haven't written much more than what's been posted already, but that's normal. There are some things about plot that can be picked out, though. The primary conflict, as you've introduced, is that "I" is the other woman and "You" is cheating on someone in order to be with "I". This creates that delightful taboo breaking that gets a lot of people's engines revving. Add into that is the BDSM thing (at whatever level from light to hardcore), which is also a social taboo, and there's the potential for the usual "other woman" scenario in this story trope: submissive woman provides dominant man what his non-BDSM woman would never do; but, you haven't gone there. The conflict you've got is that "You" is having a secret affair with "I" who behaves in a way that flaunts (and taunts) the secret to "You" without others knowing about it, particularly "You's" woman. This kind of conflict can drive your narrative really well, if you maintain focus on it. It's also why I thought the first half was completely pointless. It did nothing to examine the conflict in any way. It was simply a masturbating woman in a bathtub thinking about her man. The first part hinted at a different type of conflict, that of a woman who hasn't yet informed her friends of her new lover. There is nothing in the first part that tells me that the lover is in another relationship, only that "I" hasn't shared her new lover with anyone. It would be nice to assume that "I" is in an affair, but there are a lot of reasons not to tell friends about a new man. I can't just assume the reason no one knows is because it's adultery. In any event, that means the whole bathtub thing was pointless and had no bearing on the story; it exists simply for titillation. It also means that there was no real foreshadowing of the conflict (if an affair is the primary means that this story has tension) introduced in the second paragraph. I was kind of shocked that "I" behaved the way she did. Also, as an aside, the first part did not make it clear that "I" expected "You" to be at the party, only that "I" expected "You" to be jealous about "I" taking up with another man, should such a thing happen at the party. I cannot assume that the jealousy would occur because "You" would be present to see it. Someone could tell him, in particular "I", who has such a great interest in "You"'s jealousy.

I would rethink POV and tense. I would also think strongly about the plot and how it shapes the story. From there, I would use the plot to create reasons for the sex to occur, rather than as a backdrop for the real purpose of the story.

 

[Cara_Lynn]

Thank you all for your insight!

When I wrote the story, it was directed at a particular person. It was a fantasy scenario. I think I will rewrite it to change the tenses and put names in, and try to flesh it out a bit more before I start to submit other chapters.

I was a bit surprised to see it in the BDSM section. It was submitted to the Erotic Couplings.

Again, thank you all!