LoquaciousLady
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 2, 2007
- Posts
- 266
Feedback request
- Thread starter LoquaciousLady
- Start date
elfin_odalisque
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2004
- Posts
- 10,056
Welcome to the madhouse Loquacious, and congrats on your first public exposure.
Your writing, proofing and layout is great – better than a lot of us who’ve been hanging around for ages.
Although I’ve been reading a load of BDSM stories for some research, I’m not an expert and you should take all my comments as an outsider looking in to the ‘scene’. And please, tell me where you think I’m wrong.
Whilst I love it, is irony allowed in this kind of play – unless you’re writing a satire piece. You write a lovely line;
My brain finally started firing a little faster, almost up to Forrest Gump level.
Doesn’t this humor though, pull the rug under the tension of the play?
There is a bit of a 'personal diary' feel to the narrative and a lot more dialogue would have made things more exciting. A list of what got shoved in where doesn't get the juices flowing without interplay, ('cept in your mind).
As a story, I would say that you don’t develop tension. ‘He’ is a one-dimensional character. Is he Master or what: what does he think: why is he doing these things?
Conversely, why are ‘you’ accepting them and enjoying them? The explanation of the power exchange is missing and – for me at least – the emotions and psychology of the submissive/dominant relationship are missing (even if this is fantasy).
IMHO, I found you used the grotesqueness of the props as a substitute for getting into the clearly loving relationship of the couple.
Please write more, but please write more about what the protags are thinking – that’s what sucks readers in.
You still should be pretty proud of your first effort. It is a good start.
Elle
Your writing, proofing and layout is great – better than a lot of us who’ve been hanging around for ages.
Although I’ve been reading a load of BDSM stories for some research, I’m not an expert and you should take all my comments as an outsider looking in to the ‘scene’. And please, tell me where you think I’m wrong.
Whilst I love it, is irony allowed in this kind of play – unless you’re writing a satire piece. You write a lovely line;
My brain finally started firing a little faster, almost up to Forrest Gump level.
Doesn’t this humor though, pull the rug under the tension of the play?
There is a bit of a 'personal diary' feel to the narrative and a lot more dialogue would have made things more exciting. A list of what got shoved in where doesn't get the juices flowing without interplay, ('cept in your mind).
As a story, I would say that you don’t develop tension. ‘He’ is a one-dimensional character. Is he Master or what: what does he think: why is he doing these things?
Conversely, why are ‘you’ accepting them and enjoying them? The explanation of the power exchange is missing and – for me at least – the emotions and psychology of the submissive/dominant relationship are missing (even if this is fantasy).
IMHO, I found you used the grotesqueness of the props as a substitute for getting into the clearly loving relationship of the couple.
Please write more, but please write more about what the protags are thinking – that’s what sucks readers in.
You still should be pretty proud of your first effort. It is a good start.
Elle
Jenny_Jackson
Psycho Bitch
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2006
- Posts
- 10,872
BDSM isn't my cup of tea by any means, but...you story is written pretty well. As Elle said the Master is pretty thin. It would have read better if you'd fleshed him out more. But this is often a problem with first person POV. To make Master work you would have had to have him talk more, her describe him and her feelings toward him more and so on.
But don't be disheartened, this is a learning place. You have a good start, so don't give up. You did good.
Now I do have to kill myself.
But don't be disheartened, this is a learning place. You have a good start, so don't give up. You did good.
Now I do have to kill myself.
LoquaciousLady
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 2, 2007
- Posts
- 266
Wow. I've been braced for a lot more brutal criticism. Thank you both for your input.
I see your point about the lack of "dimension." I'd like to say it's the first-person POV but honestly I think it's my lack of skill in using it. I'm going to keep working on that.
I see your point about the lack of "dimension." I'd like to say it's the first-person POV but honestly I think it's my lack of skill in using it. I'm going to keep working on that.
elfin_odalisque
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2004
- Posts
- 10,056
Hey, girly, this writing stuff in public is hairy, scary and you do it pretty well.
As far as I've seen, although I avoid first person because it's difficult, it seems to work well in BDSM - there is a need for expressing inner feelings.
Not sure I quite understand what you mean by dimension, unless you mean giving 'him' a persona. What I was trying to say was that given a short vignette, the power/yielding equation is the way to rope us in to caring and wanting the denouement.
You are in the heads of the two characters, give us some thoughts or dialogue to get there with you.
If you weren't good, I wouldn't make these kinds of comments and BTW, JennyJ doesn't often dabble in BDSM. You must be bad ... not.
Elle
