Feedback request

[SapphoLust]

Looking for feedback on my 2 latest stories
Hot Twilight
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=133518
and
Darla's First Real Love
Both are in LESBIAN section
please feel free to email me directly at
steadilsrl3@excite.com

add links to your own stories if possible !
thanks
L

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Okay. This is a cute little fantasy about a knock-out lesbian who suddenly develops the ability to read minds and finds out that pretty much everyone in the world is thinking about sex all the time, and mostly about sex with her. The story’s not believable, but of course it’s not intended to be. It’s pretty much one lesbian encounter after another, all told in this dense, never-stopping-to-breathe tone of voice in which commas seem conspicuous by their absence.

Excerpt:

Upon entering her luxury apartment, Darla threw off her clothes and headed for the shower. The voluptuous woman soaped herself up quickly and lathered her ample breasts with the warm water which felt so good after such a busy day in the torrid heat and humidity. The lovely casting director kneaded her nipples into a taut wet state as she fingered her engorged clitoris. She instinctively recalled how Dominique had taken her so many lovely times on the bed and had fucked her with that strap on until wave upon wave of orgasmic lust overtook her mind and she held her lover close. Many times she’d pull Dom’s large tits to hers as they rubbed their bodies together, becoming one. Darla missed her terribly and not just sexually; she also had been her best friend. Tears mingled with the spray of the shower as Darla's orgasm streamed through her body. She felt her exhaustion and left the shower for the bedroom where she continued her memories of her lost love, Dominique.

I really don’t know what you can say about this. This paragraph should probably be broken up into 4-5 separate paragraphs: her taking a shower, her masturbation, her reminiscences of Dom, her orgasm, and then her leaving the shower for the bedroom. Packing all that into one paragraph coupled with the odd rhythms of the extended sentences gives the story the hurried and breathless feel it maintains throughout.

I don’t like the overstuffed paragraph, but I’m not saying that the tone itself is necessarily bad. It wore me out after a while, but you can’t say that the author lacks her own style. Personally, I would prefer the rhythm and feel of the prose to slow down and kind of spread out during the calmer periods in the story. Save the breathless excitement for the sex scenes. As it is, it kind of has the feeling of having been written on speed.

I think you have to stop telling us so much all the time:

"Its gonna be another hot steamy one," said Celine, looking out the window at the crowded street as the cab crawled downtown through the crowded traffic.

You could have ended that sentence after “…crowded street” and it would have been fine, but instead it keeps on going. Readers need time to rest and reflect too. There’s a lot of this kind of thing in the story. They're what contribute to its feeling of density.

The sex is the same way. It's graphic, but feels rushed and all of it at the same breathless pace. With Darla’s new ability to read minds (an ability that isn’t really explained. She just hears a sudden ringng in her ears and suddenly she can read people’s minds. You really don’t have to explain it, but wouldn’t Darla herself be a little curious about what’s happened to her?) she’s able to turn every encounter into a sexual one, and things start happening fast.

Too fast for me. I didn’t finish it. But then, lesbian fiction isn't really my thing.

I want to say, though, that this is by no means a bad story. It reminds me a lot of an X-rated cartoon: things happen that fast and with about that depth an nuance. The style wore me out, but I appreciate that the story definitely has style, and that’s always good to see.


---dr.M.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Too many modifiers

The big problem is Too Many Modifiers. If you could get rid of this habit you'd have quite a powerful style; but as it is it just chokes on adjectives and extra phrases.

This is good: "A curtain of early morning fog hung like a veil of gray moisture over the canyons of high rise apartment buildings". You've got the eye for the imagery, but you need to let the images do the work. That sentence unnecessarily continues "that housed the sleeping executives and office workers". Now, given what the first part has already shown us, what does that conclusion add?

"but after she entered the late model cab" -- what does "late model" do here?

"her skimpy mini with her racy black fishnet stockings" -- both skimpy and racy are quite redundant. Then it continues "which made her look very sexy", also utterly redundant. Don't add words like "racy" or "sexy" when the thing described is already itself racy or sexy.

"As she watched the sleeping city fly by as the cab headed home" -- two "as" clauses in a row.

"and knew she had to move quickly to get downtown to that new client's session" -- two "to" clauses in a row.

"and threw down the two bits and reached down for the" -- two compound verbs with the same preposition in a row. One such repetition is fine, but they keep on coming and it becomes very noticeable.

"the weekly industry newspaper" -- "the multi-colored newspaper" -- it makes no difference that it's multi-coloured, and "weekly industry" sounds like you're trying to avoid mentioning brand names. But she doesn't do anything with the newspaper, so it's not important what it is: it doesn't need all this description of its own. You don't have to mention that she reads a fashion industry journal if you've previously established that she's in the fashion industry.

"But the real truth was Darla had many opportunities for casual sex every week and she was becoming bored with it on a superficial level." -- First, "real" is redundant; in fact "the real truth was" is redundant. So is "on a superficial level". And does "every week" even matter? What would you lose if it wasn't there?

To sum up: don't use words to do the work, use images. Don't try and stick the word 'sexy' or 'luscious' in to convey that someone is sexy or luscious. Don't explain minor details like why she bought a newspaper, if the reader can easily presume the right reason.

 

[SapphoLust]

Thanks for the feedback!!

dr_M
Thank you for the very useful and constructive feedback.
btw: The story idea comes from an old episode of " The Twilight Zone" which shows my age unfortunately. I did want a fast pace to the story but my intention was not to leave out punctuations. One of my major faults in composition..
Lou