Feedback Request - Twelve Hours with Joan

[jrgg43]

I am the author of the story Twelve Hours with Joan and while the complete story is not published yet I am asking for feedback.

http://www.literotica.com/s/twelve-hours-with-joan-ch-01

This is the shortcut to chapter one. Please give me some honest opinions

thanks

jrgg43

 

[kaciemay]

Absolutely Loved It !!!!!1 Want , Need More !!!!!!!

 

[jrgg43]

beer?

Sorry Guy,

but among other things I'm actually a home brewer as well, with an Honorable Mention from AHA Nationals.

Mr Beer is bad! Very Very Bad!

LOL

 

[jrgg43]

just a

bump to look for feedback

 

[Quantified]

I thought this was a great line early to foreshadow what was to come, so to speak.

Based on the lack of complaint by surrounding tenants or the management Eddie felt that a woman's muffled screams wouldn't cause any more comment than the raucous, screaming laughter of the party.

Solid stuff!

I thought the pace was a little slow, but I'm not real aware of how sub/dom works in a real-world situation. It may actually be tedious, which would explain your choice of pace.

Can't wait to see what she does with what's been provided there at the end.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Your writing is fine but I have serious reservations about the tempo. I think you are very wordy and this inhibits the action. If I was just reading for pleasure and not review, I think I would have clicked out on the first page.

In my opinion there is far too much detail and backstory and not enough action. The long drawn out stuff about the 'contract' is just tedious and could be wrapped up much more succinctly. It sounds like a dry attorney-client interview.

They have been IMing so you could summarize all the stuff about the husband and the wife in short conversation - they both know why they're there.

Again, what is the relevance of all the stuff about the weather? The comment about nipple stiffening aircon could have been done in one sentence. The fridge inventory (except the hot sauce), the geography of the apartment, the listing of implements, just slow the plot and leave us tapping our fingers.

I'm not suggesting whips and floggers in chapter one but more tension, humiliation of undressing and more indication that the dom is really a dom and not the sadist you suggest he is would surely attract readers.

I will go and read the other chapters and comment but, for now (as no BDSM expert), think you spend too much time on physical surroundings and not enough on the complexities of the dom-sub relationship.

Hope this helps

Elle

 

[Quantified]

I'd like to add this.

The pace seemed a bit slow, as I said earlier, but everyone prefers a different pace when it comes to this stuff. If you're going to stick with a recurring character, as I expect to happen here, you have to lay a foundation. That's often not high-speed work.

With that said, I'll certainly go along with Elle's insights.