KillerMuffin
Seraphically Disinclined
- Joined
- Jul 29, 2000
- Posts
- 25,603
Feedback request on a story
- Thread starter KillerMuffin
- Start date
Pros: Definitely an interesting and romantic story. I like the main premise, mixing departure and reuniting with romance and ultimately death. It was all sculpted together really well, nice skeleton to the story.
Cons: It took ma a couple reads to figure out what was going on with the dauther and Jill and Austin and wether or not Jill was the daughter.
Short stories are *hard* to write. I didn't quite like where you put the focus in your story. Just in terms of volume of text, you spent a fairly even ammount of time on everything, which may not be the best way to approach a story like this. With a story this short, I would rather take an approach of trimming out *everything* that you could possibly assume the reader knows or should be able to infer. Use that extra space to develop the scenes, personalities, and emotions that drive the story the most. I can read about the economic circumstanses that surrounded Jill's move, but I would much rather read about the road trip or the emotional first meeting or the shared romance.
Also, I would have put all the stuff involved with the first meeting of Jill and Austin togehter, instead of breaking it up with history. I think it would have come across better that way.
I'm hardly an expert on short stories, and that fact that *I'm* even considering giving feedback to *you* seems a little silly, but there it is, hope it helps.
-I
Cons: It took ma a couple reads to figure out what was going on with the dauther and Jill and Austin and wether or not Jill was the daughter.
Short stories are *hard* to write. I didn't quite like where you put the focus in your story. Just in terms of volume of text, you spent a fairly even ammount of time on everything, which may not be the best way to approach a story like this. With a story this short, I would rather take an approach of trimming out *everything* that you could possibly assume the reader knows or should be able to infer. Use that extra space to develop the scenes, personalities, and emotions that drive the story the most. I can read about the economic circumstanses that surrounded Jill's move, but I would much rather read about the road trip or the emotional first meeting or the shared romance.
Also, I would have put all the stuff involved with the first meeting of Jill and Austin togehter, instead of breaking it up with history. I think it would have come across better that way.
I'm hardly an expert on short stories, and that fact that *I'm* even considering giving feedback to *you* seems a little silly, but there it is, hope it helps.
-I
Fairytat
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2002
- Posts
- 233
Pros: I liked that it was a short story. While normally I like more characterization and a bit more information, in this respect given their "webcam" history, I felt that the length suited it. I also thought the ending was good because I think we all do that when a loved one passes on. All in all it was a romantic short story, not so much about their entire relationship, but the last moments of it.
Cons: There were a few things that detracted from the story. As Impetus mentioned, the breaking up of the present with their history was annoying. I think the beginning could've been about their past then segue into the present. Or, even, keep it the way it is but make the writing tighter. I wished for a bit more description about the characters, cause I really didn't know what they looked like.
Overall:I guess my biggest complaint was that the writing could've been tighter in places and had a bit more description (not just the characters but maybe at least one place they passed through).
Cons: There were a few things that detracted from the story. As Impetus mentioned, the breaking up of the present with their history was annoying. I think the beginning could've been about their past then segue into the present. Or, even, keep it the way it is but make the writing tighter. I wished for a bit more description about the characters, cause I really didn't know what they looked like.
Overall:I guess my biggest complaint was that the writing could've been tighter in places and had a bit more description (not just the characters but maybe at least one place they passed through).
karmadog
Now I'm a drink behind.
- Joined
- Nov 22, 2001
- Posts
- 1,198
Rushed
Phew. Where to begin? Ah well, start big.
It seems that I read somewhere that you believed that short sentences make a reader feel a sense of urgency. There is a degree of truth to that when they are used judiciously, but in this story (especially the first half) they just make it choppy. It would be far better to vary sentence lengths. You might even use a complex sentence.
I get the impression that this was for a challenge of some kind and that you rushed to get it out. I hope that is the case because otherwise, you are getting sloppy. There are misspellings and just plain wrong words.
"It was time to take that road trip Max was always on about. His heart attack sent the shock through her that she needed. She was surprised how easily she came to the decision."
If read this a few days after you wrote it, you would realize that this does not flow.
On the positive end of things, I think that there is a nice story in there, but rather than feeling succinct, it feels rushed.
Phew. Where to begin? Ah well, start big.
It seems that I read somewhere that you believed that short sentences make a reader feel a sense of urgency. There is a degree of truth to that when they are used judiciously, but in this story (especially the first half) they just make it choppy. It would be far better to vary sentence lengths. You might even use a complex sentence.
I get the impression that this was for a challenge of some kind and that you rushed to get it out. I hope that is the case because otherwise, you are getting sloppy. There are misspellings and just plain wrong words.
"It was time to take that road trip Max was always on about. His heart attack sent the shock through her that she needed. She was surprised how easily she came to the decision."
If read this a few days after you wrote it, you would realize that this does not flow.
On the positive end of things, I think that there is a nice story in there, but rather than feeling succinct, it feels rushed.
karmadog
Now I'm a drink behind.
- Joined
- Nov 22, 2001
- Posts
- 1,198
tricked
I have been fooled. I thought that this was KM's story because she made the feedback request. I didn't even look at the name under the title. That it is not hers explains a lot. While I don't like everything KM writes, I have never seen her submit anything that sloppy.
From another thread I find there is some question about slamming this story: I did not vote on this, but if I had it would have been a two with reservations. A two because the basic idea of the story, reservations because the writing was lazy.
Another thing, I would not have been so tough on this story if I had realized it was not KM's. I know that she expects total honesty.
Not every writer wants to know what you really think.
My apologies if I hurt anyone's feelings.
I have been fooled. I thought that this was KM's story because she made the feedback request. I didn't even look at the name under the title. That it is not hers explains a lot. While I don't like everything KM writes, I have never seen her submit anything that sloppy.
From another thread I find there is some question about slamming this story: I did not vote on this, but if I had it would have been a two with reservations. A two because the basic idea of the story, reservations because the writing was lazy.
Another thing, I would not have been so tough on this story if I had realized it was not KM's. I know that she expects total honesty.
Not every writer wants to know what you really think.
My apologies if I hurt anyone's feelings.
LivingUnicorn
Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2001
- Posts
- 31
Misspellings, punctuation, sentence structure and paragraph flow are all places this story could have used improvement.
The other place is in the dialog. It's okay to use contractions in dialog. Really. People talk that way. Rarely do you hear some one say "I am" they say "I'm" You should write it that way, otherwise it makes the dialog stuffy sounding.
Back to punctuation. Comma's are a necessary part of many sentences. Use them.
"Might be hell she realized it was more than enough."
to
"Might be, hell, she realized it was more than enough."
I still don't like the sentence but at least I'm not thinking that the twinkle might be hell.
As far as voting, I would give this story a 3. Clean up all the typo's, poor punctuation, sentence structure, and paragraph flow and I'll give it a 4. Add a little more setting, some more emotion to the characters, build up a little more suspense and then tidy up the ending a little and it'd get a 5.
LU
The other place is in the dialog. It's okay to use contractions in dialog. Really. People talk that way. Rarely do you hear some one say "I am" they say "I'm" You should write it that way, otherwise it makes the dialog stuffy sounding.
Back to punctuation. Comma's are a necessary part of many sentences. Use them.
"Might be hell she realized it was more than enough."
to
"Might be, hell, she realized it was more than enough."
I still don't like the sentence but at least I'm not thinking that the twinkle might be hell.
As far as voting, I would give this story a 3. Clean up all the typo's, poor punctuation, sentence structure, and paragraph flow and I'll give it a 4. Add a little more setting, some more emotion to the characters, build up a little more suspense and then tidy up the ending a little and it'd get a 5.
LU
KillerMuffin
Seraphically Disinclined
- Joined
- Jul 29, 2000
- Posts
- 25,603
Thank you! Not only only good opinions, but well thought out ones as well.I didn't mean to trick anyone, I just didn't think about putting the pertinent information in the post. I should have.
jon.hayworth
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 20, 2001
- Posts
- 765
Oh KM,Now you are really twisting the knife in poor
MW. No I am not even wasting my time giving an opinion, the guy is a waste of space who craves attention. Personally I think people should stop responding to his winging posts. Reaction - any reaction is what the guy is looking for.
jon
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