Feedback request - My birthday ritual

[NoCorrelation]

My latest story is currently sat at 4.17 / 5 from 6500 views, but it's only got the one comment on it. Could I ask for feedback from you lovely forumites?

https://www.literotica.com/s/my-birthday-ritual-ch-01 - solo, F, technically exhib but not really.

It's slow, I know, but I'm experimenting with conversational first person storytelling. I'm currently most of the way through part two, so if quite like to know more about people's opinions before I submit it.

I'll be asking for editors for part two at some point soon, if anyone fancies it.

 

[NotWise]

It's slow, I know, but I'm experimenting with conversational first person storytelling. I'm currently most of the way through part two, so if quite like to know more about people's opinions before I submit it.

I read the beginning and put it away, then came back and read some more, but I ended up skimming more than half. You expressed yourself well. Your characterization of the protagonist was well done in some ways, but other characters remained a little shallow.

The first-person narrative style did me no good. Especially when the protagonist described herself at 18 relative to how she looks now. I certainly don't know what she looks like now.

I'm not sure how valid my opinion can be since I didn't read in detail, but I suspect that you will find people like me in your reading public. You might pull some people in with that style, but others will just walk (or click) away.

 

[robertreams]

I read the beginning and put it away, then came back and read some more, but I ended up skimming more than half. You expressed yourself well. Your characterization of the protagonist was well done in some ways, but other characters remained a little shallow.

The first-person narrative style did me no good. Especially when the protagonist described herself at 18 relative to how she looks now. I certainly don't know what she looks like now.

I'm not sure how valid my opinion can be since I didn't read in detail, but I suspect that you will find people like me in your reading public. You might pull some people in with that style, but others will just walk (or click) away.

Well the best thing I can say for it is that it is mostly spelled right and grammatically correct. Good Job!

Very shallow, even for a single character story. Way too cutesy for my taste and not at all erotic. You have gone out of your way to create the least sexually attractive, shallowest and most narcissistic protagonist I have ever read. If that was your intent, you succeeded. This young woman could not pay me to bed her. The very idea makes me itch. With major changes the story could be humorous.

What it is now, it is difficult to determine. It certainly is not erotic. I would not call it cute, adorable, or interesting.

Perhaps you intended it as a minor writing challenge of some sort.

Anyway, I suspect you could be a very impressive writer if you wrote from your heart and soul. About things and feelings you know and have experienced. Write from and about realistic people and genuine smells, tastes, feelings, etc., rather than skimming the most inconsequential drivel you can find. Mind you I did not say stories must be real, true stories, only true to life, evocative.
Sorry if I burst your bubble, but someone needed to tell you.

 

[NoCorrelation]

Hmmm... good points. It's a shame I couldn't find an editor when I needed it. I'll try harder next time.

Discussing things online and offline, I think I've got an idea on how to improve things. The pacing is troubling because the story is going to be spread over several years, so I don't want to make it a case of "fuck scene, fuck scene, fuck scene, next year, fuck scene, fuck scene" but fitting evolution into the story could be tricky.

My aim was to make it sound like the woman in question is talking to a friend, telling them what has happened.

In retrospect, I think that if it's going to work I need to make it so that we have a future narrator telling us the bigger things, then letting it go back to a present narrator for the actual action. It's a common enough technique in cinema - the voice of the older self setting the scene then the younger self on screen experiencing the actual story.

I'm always wary of describing the protagonist in too much detail, but it's also something people always complain about. Time to change it I guess...