Feedback request - lesbian romance

[LaRascasse]

The first thing I've written in over a year, apart from 750-word contest stories. There was a lot of writer's rust to shake off. I hope you like it. Everything from scathing criticism to lavish praise is welcome.

https://www.literotica.com/beta/s/necessary-distractions

 

[LWulf]

I wasn't going to mention this, but I'm adding it after I started writing the host of the rest first.
"Kylie, it's grandpa..."
Contrary to the caller ID, this confused me as sometimes people aren't who you expect to be on the other end of the phone call. I had a female friend of mine caller ID, and another male friend start speaking to me instead; one was using the other's phone to call me.
In a like sense, it sounded like the truncated dialogue was 'correcting' instead of 'informing.'

Actually, the actor who made the line "come with me, if you want to live" famous, wasn't Schwarzenegger, but Michael Bieh, but he said it without any noteworthy accent.

I must be getting further out of step, I don't have a clue who/what: "a narita" (supposedly a type of plane by oblique reference), a "matcha" (supposedly a type of coffee, or coffee flavor, by oblique reference), a "imam" (supposedly some spiritual leader by oblique reference),

There was a couple of times I lost track of who was talking, or which "she" was being mentioned. That isn't a critique as much as an observation.

My initial observation of Fatima is that she is reserved. When told why Kylie was at the hospital, Fatima didn't rejoinder with her own reason for being at the hospital. To me, that should have been a distancing moment to Kylie, but instead she was intrigued.
Fantasy is where two souls, however inexplicable, are 'destined' to meet.

"...cheesecake and tarts on the table." The way it's mentioned, sounds like it's heaped on the table, or that it's a buffet of sorts. I took it

It's the third day, and by now even Kylie has not asked why Fatima is there. Apparently, it's all about Kylie, Kylie, Kylie. People that are grieving, or somber for the nearly departed, can be selfish, but if the point is to get these two together, then it still seems selfish/standoffish/improbable.

The hard breaks are fine (I never was a follower of tradition that it must be done with three asterisks: * * * ), but still a little jarring. It would have been nice if you set up one more chance encounter before settling into a steady rhythm of their get-togethers. I suppose the reason they keep bumping into each other is based on their going to the hospital only during visiting hours? Do they restrict the soon-to-be-departed, to only having visitors for a set amount of time during the day? I'd imagine it's more like a "come by whenever/while-you-can." Still, it would be nice if you had a "Oh, I see you liked my suggestion for choice of better dining..." moments; where one is joining the other before automatically making them a couple.

" 'Are you sure there isn't any hope?' said Fatima..."
I'm not sure if it is proper grammar, but it puzzles me when a quoted question is "said" and not "asked."

"I met my cousin in person for the first time since I was at his wedding five years ago."
Sure does seem like it's all about egocentric Kylie. Just a truncated suggestion that isn't where Kylie isn't first in her mind.

So, let's use a little extrapolation. Kylie has a living grandfather, yet she is old enough to be out on her own. However, her grandfather is old enough that he slipped and fell and that put him in a dire health situation. She is also a "world traveler" that she was in Japan, which usually suggests someone further along in their career.
Surely she isn't 20, but perhaps not more than around 30-ish. So, 30 + 20 + 20 would mean her grandfather is around 70. That sounds about right.
...and yet Kylie is wearing a "Black Sabbath tee"??? Ahh, she's an artist, and therefore subject to dress like she is still 17.
Also, isn't "Black Sabbath" a trifle retro, nowadays?

I'm surprised Bramblebunny allowed "Apparently, someone had seen..." to get by without comment, but perhaps because it was in dialogue...

" 'I promise not to nark you out,' said Fatima in a conspiratorial tone, quickly putting the drawing into her purse."
No 'Do you mind if I have that?' It's simply hers and therefore takes it. Sheesh!

"All this while, you've let me talk about myself. What about you? What do you do?"
Aha! Finally she asks.

" 'Come on,' Kylie said, holding her palm and strumming her fingers against her friend's hand. 'I want to know.' "
So, within three days, less than three hours total (more likely only about 30-45 min total) time together, Kylie and Fatima have gone from strangers to friends, and forward friends at that? Hmm... "fast-forward friends"

" 'Let me put this in a way you will understand,' Fatima said... "
Condescending, much? But I liked the fourth wall break.

" 'This is him at the live broadcast when the whole country learned that mankind had taken a giant step on the moon.' "
This is a badly phrased paraphrase. It was "... a giant leap for mankind," as in it wasn't just a mere step forward, but a giant leap forward in historical events.

"J Henry Strand was certainly a looker in his day."
Does the current generation still use this phrase? It was a term that was coined in the early 1800's and I thought was considered antiquated by the 1960's.

" 'I spent a fortune digitising these prints so that people would not forget him...' "
(Aha, I suspected this was British enlish, opposed to American english = Digitizing) In what backward country does it cost a fortune to digitize photographs?!? You go out and buy a scanner for $50, you can digitize them yourself!
For that matter, is Kylie a technophobe? Most artists nowadays, especially ones in "mangaka" draw with a digital drawing tablet. Even if not, any "recognized" manga artist would know how to digitize their artwork to spread it out on the interwebs!!! How else did Kylie get "recognized"?!?
A Brit, writing about an American character who is using British English, and read by an American. Conductor? Please stop the world, I'm too dizzy to continue!

" ...'They don't make love like that any more.' "
It took me a couple of read-throughs to understand it how you meant it. Color me jaded, but at first I thought Kylie was commenting on how her grandparents (don't) make whoopee.

"All this time, I've just been talking about myself and why I'm here. I never asked you why you're here."
Duh, I mentioned this yards ago.

"Fatima was nowhere to be seen today..."
Wouldn't it be "the next day"? And very subtle foreshadowing what I suspected was now implicitly foreshadowed previously.

"Kylie checked out the cafe multiple times before staking out the waiting room. Even more of her extended family made an appearance. Apparently, J Henry would not be denied one final family reunion."
This seems a bit rushed. Discordant points pushed together. Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad if you started the second sentence with "in the meantime, ..." However, the third sentence is reiterating what was said several paragraphs earlier, and thus seems banally redundant.

"The next year, I find you have betrayed me and all my secrets..."
Awkward phrase.
"Only to find out the next year, that you betrayed me and all my secrets..."
"I found out the next year, you betrayed me and all my secrets..."

"But, that place was our childhood, Kylie."
I believe "was" would be correct, unless "childhood" isn't referred to temporally, but locationally, to it, as a "hood, as in neighborhood. A place, is, and still is, while a past, was, or has been.

"Aunt Kylie, Aunt Kylie, can you give us one of your comics? We loved the last one you shared."
Sharing "mangaka" with children? Must be the prude in me that seems shocked that no one else is. Maybe I'm thinking of "hentai" or perhaps that's what the writer meant? Manga can include hentai, but the writer suggested that Kaylie does strictly/mostly hentai.
In Japan, they don't mind children reading hentai, because the Japanese censor all the naughty bits with a ridiculous, little " - " over any genitalia, and/or blurryize said genitalia.

"...the three sped off, almost knocking a janitor's cart over on the way."
Aren't janitors in hospitals called orderlies and I don't think they use carts?

"Despite the recession, we still manufactured and delivered the most auto parts...last year."
Either "still" is wrong, or putting everything in past tense and including "last year" seems wrong. As an adverb, 'still' means: up to AND including the present, thus wouldn't use with solely past tense be incorrect?

" 'I miss him, Kylie,' he whispered."
As 'grandpa' isn't dead yet, isn't this presumptive?

"If Claudia sees so much as a speck of blood or sex in it, she'll make sure I sleep in the garage."
Aha! At least Claudia has some sensibilities.

" * *

The day rolled to the next... "
Isn't this a soft break, being combined with a hard break? I wish I had my references in order so I could definitively declare that. Also. wouldn't "into" be used? I'm not good with mixed-up metaphors.

I'm going to call it there. As Literotica doesn't like people posting stories in comments, I'm sure there is an unspoken rule on how long a comment about a story should be. If desired, I could continue in PM. If not, there it is.​

 

[LWulf]

in addendum to the last

I'd also like to say, despite all else, I was getting interested in the story, which, aside from very slight flirtations didn't seem like "lesbian sex."

The way I write reviews, is that I write it as I read it. I amend commentary in some places, as I read on, but as a whole, I think it expresses better when I do not. At least for the writer to laugh at when a plot deception works.

It wasn't horribly creative (at least not on the first page) as it didn't go outside the normal lives of people in general. That doesn't mean it wasn't well written (for the most part (I really don't like reiterations)). Your writing of day to day events was good in that it didn't make me roll my eyes and look at my watch, agonizingly wondering, "when is it going to end?"

I DID stop reading, as further reading would have meant I would have wanted to continue making comments. Reading further without making notes would have me fussing over previous thoughts if you did ask me for further commentary, so, there it is.

I'll say it's kind of sad that it took four days before Kylie is mentioned talking to her relatives who showed up. Might that have broken the tension building between Kylie and Fatima? Possibly, and it almost assuredly would have changed the direction of the story, at least the beginning.
As much as I read, it read more like romance than lesbian sex. To point out, I might read the former, while not the latter.

Cheers.

 

[LaRascasse]

I'm going to call it there. As Literotica doesn't like people posting stories in comments, I'm sure there is an unspoken rule on how long a comment about a story should be. If desired, I could continue in PM. If not, there it is.​

Sure... I welcome more comments over PM or on the thread itself.

 

[LWulf]

Sure... I welcome more comments over PM or on the thread itself.

Okay. As I said, comments (or story length comments (750 word count?) ) aren't encouraged. So, I'll resume and post a PM with further commentary after I finish reading.

 

[LaRascasse]

Okay. As I said, comments (or story length comments (750 word count?) ) aren't encouraged. So, I'll resume and post a PM with further commentary after I finish reading.

I look forward to it. Appreciate your points so far.