Feedback Request for "Mom Loves Saturdays"

[AahhWhattheHell]

Please provide constructive criticism for the following incest story. Is the description of characters and scenes enough to make a mental image of what's going on? Is the pace too fast or too slow? Where did my descriptions get confusing?

This is a prequel to the 750 word challenge I posted last month.

https://literotica.com/s/mom-loves-saturdays

Thank you in advance, AWTH

 

[TheRedChamber]

Congratulations on publishing your first two stories. This was very good for a first 'real' effort. I have a habit of focusing on areas I had issues with, don't take that as me saying the rest of story is bad.

1) I would have liked a bit more Claire in the story especially as she's set up as the tease for the next chapter. We're told how wonderful she is in the first couple of paragraphs, but this comes over as a bit rushed and a bit as if you're telling us 'no, she's wonderful really'. The first interrupted sex scene with her is also seems the wrong kind of length there's enough detail that it seems like it's going to develop into a proper scene, but then is suddenly stopped. It's probably easier on the reader's libidos if you don't start the scene and just have the call come in as their kissing or similar. We're told that the mother and Claire met each other in the supermarket, but after this she drops out of the story completely. At least Roberto should be guilty about cheating on her. In fact, looking at the story again, he only seems to communicate with her when they bump into her in shops. Isn't she pissed about that?

2) There's a whole chunk of Spanish during the first paragraph. Given we're over Roberto's shoulder this could be given an English translation either replacing or immediately after it. As a non-Spanish speaker there's a chunk of text that I just have to skip over looking for where the English begins again.

3) There's a then a fairly large section of heavy material - we get his dad's abuse and the injury and care of his mother all together. One of the comments mentioned that they struggled with the first section and it might help to spread this out a bit - maybe we don't need how he stood upto his dad until his relationship with the mother has progressed a little bit more.

4) I was a bit confused about the restraining order. When it's first mention it seems like the father has taken out a restraining order on the son (via corruption). Later on though it seems like it's the father who is in trouble for violating the restraining order. I might keep the restraining order on the son to keep the drama up and make his defence of his mother have a cost (and then have the judge toss the case out because the dad is an obvious piece of shit later). Although the dad is abusive, he doesn't really come over as any kind of threat in the main events of the story, it's estabilished that the son is physcially strong enough to deal with him, and is a bouncer so should be able to do so, and the dad is dealt with within four short paragraphs. The character also doesn't have any remaining concerns about kicking jis father's ass (quite understandably) Similarly we're reassured by the lawyer that everything will be smooth, which it is. Even if we get a happy ending here, the characters should maybe be a bit more worried.

 

[AahhWhattheHell]

Congratulations on publishing your first two stories. This was very good for a first 'real' effort. I have a habit of focusing on areas I had issues with, don't take that as me saying the rest of story is bad.

1) I would have liked a bit more Claire in the story especially as she's set up as the tease for the next chapter. We're told how wonderful she is in the first couple of paragraphs, but this comes over as a bit rushed and a bit as if you're telling us 'no, she's wonderful really'. The first interrupted sex scene with her is also seems the wrong kind of length there's enough detail that it seems like it's going to develop into a proper scene, but then is suddenly stopped. It's probably easier on the reader's libidos if you don't start the scene and just have the call come in as their kissing or similar. We're told that the mother and Claire met each other in the supermarket, but after this she drops out of the story completely. At least Roberto should be guilty about cheating on her. In fact, looking at the story again, he only seems to communicate with her when they bump into her in shops. Isn't she pissed about that?

2) There's a whole chunk of Spanish during the first paragraph. Given we're over Roberto's shoulder this could be given an English translation either replacing or immediately after it. As a non-Spanish speaker there's a chunk of text that I just have to skip over looking for where the English begins again.

3) There's a then a fairly large section of heavy material - we get his dad's abuse and the injury and care of his mother all together. One of the comments mentioned that they struggled with the first section and it might help to spread this out a bit - maybe we don't need how he stood upto his dad until his relationship with the mother has progressed a little bit more.

4) I was a bit confused about the restraining order. When it's first mention it seems like the father has taken out a restraining order on the son (via corruption). Later on though it seems like it's the father who is in trouble for violating the restraining order. I might keep the restraining order on the son to keep the drama up and make his defence of his mother have a cost (and then have the judge toss the case out because the dad is an obvious piece of shit later). Although the dad is abusive, he doesn't really come over as any kind of threat in the main events of the story, it's estabilished that the son is physcially strong enough to deal with him, and is a bouncer so should be able to do so, and the dad is dealt with within four short paragraphs. The character also doesn't have any remaining concerns about kicking jis father's ass (quite understandably) Similarly we're reassured by the lawyer that everything will be smooth, which it is. Even if we get a happy ending here, the characters should maybe be a bit more worried.

These are very good points. thank you for the time to properly make them.