Feedback Request: Finally Meeting

[BedtimeRoutine]

Hello! I was wondering if anyone out there would be kind enough to read part of my first stories and provide me with some feedback/tips/advice? The overall premise is a guy in his early 20s meets a 50+ year old man that he's been talking to and camming with over the internet. It's written in the first person of the younger guy and starts in an airport but winds up in a motel room.

The story was broken up into 5 parts, so I don't expect every chapter to be read! I've left the links below, and I appreciate any advice or critiques!

Thanks,
~BR


https://www.literotica.com/s/finally-meeting-ch-01
https://www.literotica.com/s/finally-meeting-ch-02
https://www.literotica.com/s/finally-meeting-ch-03
https://www.literotica.com/s/finally-meeting-ch-04
https://www.literotica.com/s/finally-meeting-ch-05

 

[AwkwardMD]

Prepare yourself for a storm of "this isn't second person narrative/Yes it is" posts.

For the sake of talking about it, I'm going to call this a 1st/2nd hybrid. This is a style I have seen often from new authors, and it tends not to be something they return to.

You see, this style reads like you wrote it in a furor largely for yourself. The experience within the story belongs to the protagonist, but we are not the protagonist. You are. In this sense, the power of the story is not unlike watching someone masturbate on cam. You know what is going on in your head, and even if you're telling us every thought as it occurs to you, we are narratively barred from identifying too strongly, or empathetically enjoying it with you.

In fact, the story goes so far as to tell us the manner in which we are enjoying the events (as the big D). That limits the scope of readers who will identify and enjoy (in the specific manner of your intent) to an even smaller subset.

Second person narrative, in which the narrator is telling the protagonist the story, definitely has its place. It is capable of interesting storytelling. First person narrative is a staple of erotica because it has tremendous immersive potential, but you kept us from that by writing "us" as a separate entity. As you improve, you will likely find a groove for first or third person, and most readers are more comfortable reading those.

That last note is worth considering, if you haven't before, because intended audience is something a writer should always keep in mind. If you are writing with the express purpose of exciting readers and soaking up their responses, then reader preferences are a big deal. Reader demographics are a big deal.

If you're just writing for yourself, that's different, but you owe it to yourself to be honest in this regard. You will only hold yourself back by writing for the wrong reason.

More later, when I've had more time to collect my thoughts

 

[BedtimeRoutine]

For the sake of talking about it, I'm going to call this a 1st/2nd hybrid. This is a style I have seen often from new authors, and it tends not to be something they return to.

...

If you're just writing for yourself, that's different, but you owe it to yourself to be honest in this regard. You will only hold yourself back by writing for the wrong reason.

Ooooh, I see what you mean! So instead of writing something like "I loved the way you bla bla bla, and you were bla bla bla", you're recommending I write "He loved the way the gentleman bla bla bla, and it was obvious he was bla bla bla"? Or am I missing the advice completely?

Maintaining a consistent person/tense throughout my writing has always been a challenge, haha.

 

[AwkwardMD]

I didn't notice any voice or tense inconsistency, so if they were present then they weren't significant enough to grab my attention.

For what it's worth, your style is also very in-your-own-head. A lot of this story involved internalizations of actions and events.

A thing happens.
Oh my God, I thought. A thing! I almost don't want the thing except that I totally do.

Consider the ratio of words spent describing actions vs words spent processing actions. There's no right or wrong ratio, but be mindful of where you want your story to really live.

For example, a sex scene in a bathroom has a lot of consequences that a character would need to go through if it happened unplanned. Kudos for that.

On the other hand, a motel room where the actions that are about to happen have been largely discussed beforehand would require little-to-no internalized processing, and I felt like you could have highlighted that by spending less time in your head and more time describing the actions, body parts, smells, sights, and general sensory input.

In the case of the motel sex, I think it would have been stronger to either A) switch your style to be more descriptive, or B) adjust the scene to be more spontaneous, so that the narrator can continue to be completely surprised by events.

 

[BedtimeRoutine]

Gosh you're really good at this, haha. For the motel room, I tried to communicate (apparently ineffectively) that the older gentleman had an idea of what he wanted to do but the younger guy wasn't quite aware of the plans.

So as of right now, the major feedback I'm picking up on is:
* spend less time in a character's head and describe less verbal masturbation
* spend more time describing the senses (sight, taste, touch, sounds, smells)

Is there anything else you think I could work on? This is something I enjoy doing for fun, but I want to make sure I'm doing a decent job at it, since other people are reading

 

[AwkwardMD]

Don't get ahead of yourself. Write a story, see how you feel about it, and then make an adjustment to the next one. You don't need to reinvent the wheel for yourself. Just focus on incremental improvements and see what that does for your style