Feedback request - changed writing style

[ceris01]

Good afternoon fellow litsters!

My latest story has just gone live and I now feel brave enough to ask the community for some useful feedback!

I have changed style from my first few stories, trying to get a more mainstream story style. I would appreciate feedback in the following areas if peeps would be so kind.

Have I got the dialogs right? Do they work?

Have I managed to stay consistent with perspective? If not does it work?

Anyway thanks in advance and I hope you enjoy it.

https://www.literotica.com/s/anniversary-surprise-pt-02

 

[sr71plt]

The perspective and dialogue treatment look fine. It's a bit unfortunate, though, especially when an editor is named, for the first sentence to be a run-on sentence. Nothing else noticed in a scan, though (other than a publisher's ellipsis is not ...; its space******************).

 

[ceris01]

The perspective and dialogue treatment look fine. It's a bit unfortunate, though, especially when an editor is named, for the first sentence to be a run-on sentence. Nothing else noticed in a scan, though (other than a publisher's ellipsis is not ...; its space******************).

Thankyou, at least my main worrys seem unfounded, but I'm not sure what you mean by a run-on sentence, could you explain please?

 

[sr71plt]

This sentence, My wife and I returned to our room with a satisfied feeling running through us, it had been our first time with another couple, completely unplanned yet extremely welcome, should be two. It runs together incorrectly at the ". . . us, it . . ." There should be a sentence break there with a period or at least a semicolon. So, a run-on of two independent clauses without a connector.

 

[ceris01]

This sentence, My wife and I returned to our room with a satisfied feeling running through us, it had been our first time with another couple, completely unplanned yet extremely welcome, should be two. It runs together incorrectly at the ". . . us, it . . ." There should be a sentence break there with a period or at least a semicolon. So, a run-on of two independent clauses without a connector.

Ah! I understand! Thankyou I well keep an eye out for that in future