Feedback received

[drsalt]

I received an "anonymous" message as feedback on a recent story I posted. http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=57893
Since the message was anonymous, I am unable to explain to that person how his/her impressions were wrong about the intent of the story.

The writer of the message suggested that I take the characters in a very different direction that would betray their own characters. He/she suggested the characters go down the road of hardcore D/s, rather than continue in the sensual, loving direction their relationship was going.

I don't object to the direction he/she wanted to see a story go, just that it was intended that my characters might even consider going that direction.

I appreciate feedback, and since this was so far from understanding the basic loving nature of my characters, perhaps its value is in learning how to express the motives and desires of the story characters. I've reread the story, however, and feel that the message I received expressed the desires of the writer, rather than a misunderstanding of my characterization. That's fine, but why don't you write a story of your own? With your own desires and fantasies expressed, approached and satisfied?

Please keep the feedback coming.

 

[bonnybee]

Hi drsalt,

I'm probably not the one to be giving feedback as I just joined the forum a short time ago, and am still trying to learn to be a writer myself.
However, I will try my best to give you something to think about.

1. I did notice that there was a loving relationship between the couple and could see they didn't want to "hurt" each other.

2. The dialog ended at about the fourth paragraph, and the dialog you did have needs to be broken away from the narrative into its own paragraph.

3. There were quite a lot of places I though you could have made the story easier to read by combining two sentences, making them into complex sentences. (Grammar)

4. The first sentence-- "His wife's daughter kissed her mother..."
made me stop and try to figure out the genealogy. . . Hmmm, that would be his step-daughter, or would it be his daughter that he doesn't claim? Also, if I hadn't know from reading the post before reading the story, I may have thought it may be a lesbian, incest story.

5. If you tried using more dialog, I think you could show more than telling. It also gets more "air" into the manuscript and makes it easier to read.

6. If you could add a little more description of the sex I think it would be helpful.

Take these suggestions with a grain of salt (pun not intended) because I'm still learning too. I thought, with a little work, your story could be made into a nice loving wives/DandS catagory story.

Bonnybee

ps I'm hoping someone will critique my feedback. That could help us both

 

[ladyphoenix]

Anonymous feedback

Don't you just love it? I figure, if I have an opinion, I don't mind putting my name on it, since it's just that: MY opinion.

I was fine with the dialogue that existed. Actually, I liked it as is, getting his point of view; his feelings. You could have cut out ALL the dialogue and I would have been okay with it. Getting a story from one person's point of view isn't bad, it's just harder to write well. I think you did a good job.

bonny is right; you need some variation in your sentences. You tend to give us short details separated by periods. Give us some complex sentences; some commas; some semi-colons.

She's right about the first paragraph too....why do you need anything in the story about the stepdaughter? Just tell us they're alone, because the stepdaughter's away or something. Make it part of the narration.

However, overall I was very pleased with the loving, very sub-like attitude he displayed. LOVE IS at the center of the D/s relationship, NOT pain. Not enough people understand that. I'm glad to see you do.

best,
ladyp

 

[KillerMuffin]

Most people who send you suggestions on how they want to see future installments turn out have reacted positively to your story. They enjoyed the writing, the characters, and what's going on enough to incorporate their own fantasy into it. This isn't a bad thing, in my view. It means that the reader really liked the characters and liked them enough to invest some thought and effort into them. Kind of like fan fiction without the work.

It's not that they didn't understand your characterization or views, I don't think, it's just that their fantasies don't match yours. To a lot of people erotica isn't about the writing, the plot, or the characters; it's about being a part of a fantasy. In fantasy things are easy to meld into what we want them to be.

D/s is deceptive, particularly with modifiers like "sensual," "loving," and "hardcore." These are judgement calls. Hardcore D/s can be just as sensual and loving--to the participants--as a gentler variety. If you have not done so, read cymbidia's Pierced It's difficult to get more hard core than that, yet the loving sensuality still comes through.

Consider, also, that to someone not into the kink, D/s in and of itself is not loving and sensual, it's abusive.

While there's no need to follow the fan's ideals for your story, goodness knows I never do, there isn't a need to be defensive or judgmental either. Accept it for the extreme compliment that it is and let your baby go a little bit. Someone took your story and your characters and turned it into something that meant something to them. Isn't that what readers are supposed to do?

Of course, not knowing the text of the message beyond that the reader requested you take the story in the direction that would satisfy their fantasies, I'm making a bit of judgment call myself.

 

[bonnybee]

Uh. . .Ladypheonix,

Last time I looked I was a male Don't ask me how I came up with the nick. . .I don't remember. Must have had a complete lapse of memory. Could be I was just a Scottish bee, buzzing around looking for a honey-pot to dip my stinger into. Bee's have long tongue's also.

Like my profile says, I'm old, tired and retired, just trying to learn how to write.

I really enjoy reading the feedback you, and others, post in the forum.

Thank you,
Bonnybee

 

[drsalt]

Thanks for the critique from all of you. I can always use the help.