Feedback pls: futuristic scifi story, f/f

[EurasianRhapsody]

I posted this story some time ago when had more time on my hands. feel like carrying on with a part two, but feel a little dry on ideas. anyhoo, would love to hear your comments, suggestions, ideas etc

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=332207

xoxo

 

[tickledkitty]

First of all, I don't think your disclaimer at the beginning of the story is necessary. In fact, it detracts from that first word, which, I think would have more impact without anything above it.

Then, in the next paragraph, you change from past tense to present and back to past again. Also, you said "A blur figure..." Was that intentional? It doesnt make much sense.

Another thing I noticed in this same paragraph was your use of adverbs ending in -ly. quickly, achingly, gruffly, silently all in the same paragraph. I would limit this. For example, instead of saying achingly, you could say with aching fingers.

I didn't read much further. It seems to me that you are overwriting, which makes it hard to read. It would be a lot better if you cut out some of the descriptive words. I'm not saying you shouldn't describe the surroundings, the feelings, etc. I just think it all seems a bit wordy.

The writing isn't bad. I just think you're trying too hard. Simplify. I also think you could use an editor.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Author's note is excessive. The little copyright symbol and the very fact you're on Lit tells people almost all of that.

This . . .

Cold.

That single word burned and blared in my mind as my eyes burst open to the cruel sting of freezing fluid. I sat up, gasping for breath, frantic limbs reaching out for some hold on reality, quickly finding the edges of my sleeping pod and then achingly pulling me out. A blur figure greets me silently with a towel, gruffly swiping the moisture off me, then wrapping the fluffy fabric around my nakedness.

. . . is a very catchy opening but it does have a few problems.

Cold.

That single word burned and blared (burned and blared don't flow well together) in my mind as my eyes burst open to the cruel sting of freezing fluid. I sat up, gasping for breath, frantic limbs reaching out for some hold on reality, quickly finding the edges of my sleeping pod and then achingly pulling me out. A blurred figure greeted me silently with a towel, gruffly wiping the moisture off me, then wrapped the fluffy fabric around my nakedness.

The second me can be dropped as well and Kitty makes a good point about the adverbs.



You managed not to make a lot of easy mistakes but an editor or a second set of eyes is always a good idea. I think you're a good writer though, lots of people don't even try for a story.

 

[AngloSexon]

Author's note is excessive. The little copyright symbol and the very fact you're on Lit tells people almost all of that.

This . . .

. . . is a very catchy opening but it does have a few problems.



The second me can be dropped as well and Kitty makes a good point about the adverbs.



You managed not to make a lot of easy mistakes but an editor or a second set of eyes is always a good idea. I think you're a good writer though, lots of people don't even try for a story.

I apologise in advance for my opinion (as a non-writer, I feel a little over-awed in the presence of veterans), but I like this and feel that some of the criticism - while well-intentioned - is harsh and discouraging.

I really liked the world created. I think it has an awful lot of potential, and could be taken any way. It's really not easy to do that. And the characters are alive; I really could relate, despite the inaccessibility of the situation (we don't, after all, live in the world described). Frankly, I can't wait for more, and I hope that you will write it. Good on yer!

 

[tickledkitty]

I apologise in advance for my opinion (as a non-writer, I feel a little over-awed in the presence of veterans), but I like this and feel that some of the criticism - while well-intentioned - is harsh and discouraging.

I really liked the world created. I think it has an awful lot of potential, and could be taken any way. It's really not easy to do that. And the characters are alive; I really could relate, despite the inaccessibility of the situation (we don't, after all, live in the world described). Frankly, I can't wait for more, and I hope that you will write it. Good on yer!

No need to apologize for your opinion. It holds as much value here as anyone else's. You're right in that this writer has a lot of potential, and I guess I was remiss in not mentioning it. Though our criticism may seem harsh, it really is well intentioned. I wouldn't waste my time if I thought the writer wasn't worth the effort.

I think most of us here know that we'll get the pats on the back, the kudos, from readers who comment directly on the story and from our friends. The people who come here are looking to improve. Yes, criticism is hard to take, but I don't think we can improve without it.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

I apologise in advance for my opinion (as a non-writer, I feel a little over-awed in the presence of veterans), but I like this and feel that some of the criticism - while well-intentioned - is harsh and discouraging.

I liked the setting, too. However, people don't (okay aren't supposed to) come here to be told about what they did well. Dealing with harsh criticism is a necessary part of writing. It really is not my intention too discourage people, in fact I'm probably one of the least picky people around here.

 

[EurasianRhapsody]

First of all, I don't think your disclaimer at the beginning of the story is necessary. In fact, it detracts from that first word, which, I think would have more impact without anything above it.

Then, in the next paragraph, you change from past tense to present and back to past again. Also, you said "A blur figure..." Was that intentional? It doesnt make much sense.

Another thing I noticed in this same paragraph was your use of adverbs ending in -ly. quickly, achingly, gruffly, silently all in the same paragraph. I would limit this. For example, instead of saying achingly, you could say with aching fingers.

I didn't read much further. It seems to me that you are overwriting, which makes it hard to read. It would be a lot better if you cut out some of the descriptive words. I'm not saying you shouldn't describe the surroundings, the feelings, etc. I just think it all seems a bit wordy.

The writing isn't bad. I just think you're trying too hard. Simplify. I also think you could use an editor.

Hey hey, thanks for taking the time to check my stuff out! Yeap, it isn't easy to actually write up compared to reading other people's work. will definitely look into the constructive advice. I'll take out the disclaimer for my part two and simplify the story.

if any of you guys would like to help edit my work i'd be definitely very honored.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Beyond the things already said. I think you did alright for a first go. There are some rough spots - you need some punctuation help with dialogue - and some tense switching, but you have the beginnings of a good novel or novella here.

Personally, I like seeing new writers try out the Sci-Fi Cat. There isn't enough writing going on there.

In chapter 2 I would like to see you be somewhat less verbose and more terse and pointed, but I like your idea. This puts a bit of a different swing on the "End of the World" theme.

I liked it. But get an editor. If you have trouble finding one, PM me.

 

[EurasianRhapsody]

Beyond the things already said. I think you did alright for a first go. There are some rough spots - you need some punctuation help with dialogue - and some tense switching, but you have the beginnings of a good novel or novella here.

Personally, I like seeing new writers try out the Sci-Fi Cat. There isn't enough writing going on there.

In chapter 2 I would like to see you be somewhat less verbose and more terse and pointed, but I like your idea. This puts a bit of a different swing on the "End of the World" theme.

I liked it. But get an editor. If you have trouble finding one, PM me.

thank you, i personally enjoy reading scifi myself. i'm going to post a thread in the editor subforum, but if you'd like to edit my work i'd be happy to have your help. always nice to have another girl on the team.