Feedback please
- Thread starter slick00
- Start date
Here's the link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=52279
(You simply copy and paste the URL; the software automatically creates the link.)
(You simply copy and paste the URL; the software automatically creates the link.)
Here's the link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=52279
(You simply copy and paste the URL; the software automatically creates the link.)
Sorry: in moving back and forth over my browser this page got posted twice, but the system won't seem to allow me to delete it.
(You simply copy and paste the URL; the software automatically creates the link.)
Sorry: in moving back and forth over my browser this page got posted twice, but the system won't seem to allow me to delete it.
Last edited:
the_bragis
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2002
- Posts
- 389
Hi Slick00,
Before I begin, I am not an expert or an editor. These are my opinions and observations as a reader only.
Ok. This is a great story idea, and I know it will appeal to most readers of erotica. To write in the present is very difficult, but you have achieved this well, without slipping back into past tense at all.
The main problems I have with this story are, spelling and grammatical errors. Several of the sentences are very long too. If I am able to pick them up others most certainly will. It's nothing major, but they are distracting, and let's face it some people are so damned picky! Try running it though a word programme. I would be lost without mine.
I would love to have seen more description also. Nothing too verbose.
"We hade tried to take each other virginity from each other, but things or people kept getting in the way." (other's)("from each other" - is superfluous.)
Call me a sick little bunny, but this is a typical example of where I would love to have read hot and juicy details.
Don't give up your writing. I wish you well in the future and look forward to reading more of your stories.
Alex (fem)
Before I begin, I am not an expert or an editor. These are my opinions and observations as a reader only.
Ok. This is a great story idea, and I know it will appeal to most readers of erotica. To write in the present is very difficult, but you have achieved this well, without slipping back into past tense at all.
The main problems I have with this story are, spelling and grammatical errors. Several of the sentences are very long too. If I am able to pick them up others most certainly will. It's nothing major, but they are distracting, and let's face it some people are so damned picky! Try running it though a word programme. I would be lost without mine.
I would love to have seen more description also. Nothing too verbose.
"We hade tried to take each other virginity from each other, but things or people kept getting in the way." (other's)("from each other" - is superfluous.)
Call me a sick little bunny, but this is a typical example of where I would love to have read hot and juicy details.
Don't give up your writing. I wish you well in the future and look forward to reading more of your stories.
Alex (fem)
Nice story, rough delivery
I haven't read any of your earlier works, so I can't comment on improvement. As to whether you keep writing: there will always be people eager to read about sex, so the audience will continue.
I had the sense reading this story that English may not be your first language. There were some peculiarities of structure and expression that suggested that. In either case, command of basic sentence structure is too often lacking, and the story became awkward to read. It's replete with run-on sentences, fragments, mixed verb tenses, missing punctuation, etc.
It might be helpful to work with someone to do a re-write, so that you can see where and how sentences could be modified. (It's not a long story; I can offer.) As an example, take the first paragraph:
It's my birthday, I'm rushing to get ready for dinner, we are suppose to meet @ 6:30pm it's 6pm and I'm still not dressed. Just out of the shower and going through the closet, it has been so long since my wife and I went out without the kids, who are 3 and 5 years old. My wife had taken the kids to grandma for the night, so I'm alone in a quite house with just a towel wrapped around my waist.
Maybe better written as:
It was my birthday, and I was frantically rushing to get ready for dinner. I had agreed to meet my wife at 6:30; yet it was 6:00, and I was just beginning to get ready. As I jumped out of the shower and rummaged through the closet for something to wear, I thought how much I was looking forward to the evening. We hadn't had a night out alone since the birth of our 5-year old. My wife had already left to take our two kids to her mother's house. The house was quiet, save for my mad dashes about.
I was still wrapped only in a towel when the phone rang.
Two things to keep in mind: 1) keep the narrative in past tense--it's the more customary way of writing a story and easier to manage for novice writers, and 2) keep to one primary thought per sentence, as much as possible.
I liked the basic story; the earlier unfulfilled lust, the cat-and-mouse game, the moral reluctance. You showed attention to detail (e.g., her laying down making it hard to kiss her, walking to the bedroom holding up her pants), which gave the story a nice, realistic feel.
I haven't read any of your earlier works, so I can't comment on improvement. As to whether you keep writing: there will always be people eager to read about sex, so the audience will continue.
I had the sense reading this story that English may not be your first language. There were some peculiarities of structure and expression that suggested that. In either case, command of basic sentence structure is too often lacking, and the story became awkward to read. It's replete with run-on sentences, fragments, mixed verb tenses, missing punctuation, etc.
It might be helpful to work with someone to do a re-write, so that you can see where and how sentences could be modified. (It's not a long story; I can offer.) As an example, take the first paragraph:
It's my birthday, I'm rushing to get ready for dinner, we are suppose to meet @ 6:30pm it's 6pm and I'm still not dressed. Just out of the shower and going through the closet, it has been so long since my wife and I went out without the kids, who are 3 and 5 years old. My wife had taken the kids to grandma for the night, so I'm alone in a quite house with just a towel wrapped around my waist.
Maybe better written as:
It was my birthday, and I was frantically rushing to get ready for dinner. I had agreed to meet my wife at 6:30; yet it was 6:00, and I was just beginning to get ready. As I jumped out of the shower and rummaged through the closet for something to wear, I thought how much I was looking forward to the evening. We hadn't had a night out alone since the birth of our 5-year old. My wife had already left to take our two kids to her mother's house. The house was quiet, save for my mad dashes about.
I was still wrapped only in a towel when the phone rang.
Two things to keep in mind: 1) keep the narrative in past tense--it's the more customary way of writing a story and easier to manage for novice writers, and 2) keep to one primary thought per sentence, as much as possible.
I liked the basic story; the earlier unfulfilled lust, the cat-and-mouse game, the moral reluctance. You showed attention to detail (e.g., her laying down making it hard to kiss her, walking to the bedroom holding up her pants), which gave the story a nice, realistic feel.
Written/spoken contrasts
I think one should write with one's audience in mind. But problems can result if one writes as if the story is being told orally, rather than being written. Spoken English and written English are not the same. Spoken English is more informal and less structured. The speaker controls the story through tone of voice, pacing, and phrasing.
Written English has conventions and formalites that should be followed. Punctuation replaces the phrasing and voice control that a storyteller might employ. Generally, sentences should be shorter. In written English, the reader has more 'work to do' to piece the narrative together. The 'rules of the road' (grammar, punctuation, structure) exist to make it easier for the reader to do that.
A common problem that results when writers write as if they are speaking is run-on sentences. Your story exhibits that in a number of places.
slick00 said:
I think one should write with one's audience in mind. But problems can result if one writes as if the story is being told orally, rather than being written. Spoken English and written English are not the same. Spoken English is more informal and less structured. The speaker controls the story through tone of voice, pacing, and phrasing.
Written English has conventions and formalites that should be followed. Punctuation replaces the phrasing and voice control that a storyteller might employ. Generally, sentences should be shorter. In written English, the reader has more 'work to do' to piece the narrative together. The 'rules of the road' (grammar, punctuation, structure) exist to make it easier for the reader to do that.
A common problem that results when writers write as if they are speaking is run-on sentences. Your story exhibits that in a number of places.
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