Feedback please

[sexiskye]

Hello,

Was just looking for some honest feedback please.

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-summer-fling

 

[nakdsub]

Okay well...

The first thing I would say is to go over the story and correct the glaring mistakes. I stopped reading with-in the first 2 or 3 paragraphs because of them.

"George is that it?" she called out to him; Rachel was helping Mike and pack the car.

(who is, "She?" the word, "and" should be eliminated. )

She was just 18 and her George had been together for 2 years now.

(her George? her and George)

Rachel had a rocky past she left home at 15 then she had met George and they started living together shortly after .

(period after past. Capital She, then she had met? (no) then met/ and they started? (no) and started.

It should read like this;

Rachel had a rocky past. She left home at the age of fifteen, met George and started living together shortly after.

I'm not trying to pick on you...really. I always like to encourage other writers if I can. I would go back over the story and try to correct all the errors you can find, then re-post.

 

[sexiskye]

The first thing I would say is to go over the story and correct the glaring mistakes. I stopped reading with-in the first 2 or 3 paragraphs because of them.

"George is that it?" she called out to him; Rachel was helping Mike and pack the car.

(who is, "She?" the word, "and" should be eliminated. )

She was just 18 and her George had been together for 2 years now.

(her George? her and George)

Rachel had a rocky past she left home at 15 then she had met George and they started living together shortly after .

(period after past. Capital She, then she had met? (no) then met/ and they started? (no) and started.

It should read like this;

Rachel had a rocky past. She left home at the age of fifteen, met George and started living together shortly after.

I'm not trying to pick on you...really. I always like to encourage other writers if I can. I would go back over the story and try to correct all the errors you can find, then re-post.

No-No really It's what I was looking for.