Feedback please

[CassieJo]

Hey everyone. Recently, I posted a story here on Lit. I am hoping to get some feedback on how everyone liked it and what I could do to make it better.

http://www.literotica.com/s/three-in-one-2 (Sorry if the link doesn't work. You may have to copy and paste.)

Any comments on how I can improve would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

 

[straightman]

Throwing up

Put a fucking warning on it that it is a GAY story!

 

[PennLady]

While straightman should get a grip, he has a point. It's only courteous to tell people the category.

 

[CassieJo]

Didn't think of it.

Sorry everyone. I didn't think to post the category in which my story was in. I had been looking at how other people had asked for feedback and didn't see too many people putting what category it was in.
I really sorry.
Three in One is a gay male story. Just no *fun* yet. That is too come. I just wanted feedback on how I could improve either my writing style or my story line.

 

[PennLady]

Don't worry about it. Most of us are mature enough to just click off when we don't like a story and register a polite dissent. Most of us. Personally, if a category is not provided, I'll click the link and check that before reading anything.

 

[PennLady]

Ah, and now for a little feedback. I'm sorry, I wasn't interested enough to finish. For one thing, I was a bit confused by the various Seen/Unseen levels you set up. I also don't see why you had to specify that Sydney is the narrator of the prologue, when he's apparently the narrator for the whole thing. The prologue might have worked better if it was just third person, like reading an excerpt from a history book or something.

The other thing -- and this I know is mostly me -- is why does he have to be 18? I generally don't like 18yo protagonists. Although in this case it sounds like Sydney is actually older than 18, I wasn't sure. How could he start this agency when he was 17? Initially it sounds like he joined an agency already working, then he says "when I started the agency." I guess you meant "...at the agency." Either way, I lost interest when I found out his age. Especially when he's already in charge of some unit -- they put minors in charge of big departments in this agency?

I know you got a lot of enthusiastic comments, so I'm not trying to kill the buzz or be contrary, but the beginning was too confusing for me to follow and then I didn't want to read more.