Feedback, please...

[Framboise]

So far, I am quite pleased with the ratings I have received for my first story:

http://www.literotica.com/s/newtons-third-law-in-bed

I would appreciate feedback, but do bear in mind that I have already found some holes in the story, which I am working on filling with a second story, in progress now...but do tell me anyway, as it may help me in writing the story...

...and also bear in mind that this is my first story, so please be gentle, and buy me a glass of wine first

(Yes, I could have edited it, but if I wanted to have it considered for a story of the month award, it would not be fair to edit it - leaving it as it was originally submitted, moles and all, was the honest thing to do. And given the time required, it was easier for me to deal with the holes in a second story, which I can publish sooner than the end of this month.)

Kindest regards

 

[bwallard]

The honest thing to do is to apply your editing skill with ruthless abandon. Slaughter your darlings - starting with the first twenty or so pages and then with cruelty thereafter.

What is the core of your story? Give us that for a start.

I'd rather wonder what's going on than plow through pages and pages of explanation that will ultimately prove irrelevant.

This is probably not the gentle feedback you're hoping for, but it is the feedback you need if you're going to be serious.

 

[PennLady]

Hmmm.

Well, I read the story. It was okay. I didn't care for the meta-thing of talking to the reader at the outset, but it didn't last long and didn't put me off.

Of course, one should edit as much as possible before posting/publishing but there's always something left to catch. I don't think it would be unethical to edit a story after posting. The monthly contests are so wide open that I just... well, I wouldn't get wrapped up in it anyway. If I felt a story needed changing, I'd change it.

But back to this. Where the hell did the redneck guy come from? I mean, just out of nowhere, in a company facility, he starts shouting racial slurs and attacks the woman? That just made no sense. I think there could have been a more realistic way to get them together.

Generally, it was fine. It was nice to find a story where the man wasn't an Adonis, this is true. I wasn't crazy over the idea of him applying the compound to her without her consent, but as it went out she either knew or deduced it but still, that didn't sit well.

Mechanics were okay. Just... I don't know.