Feedback, please.

[Tom_Lym]

I'm almost finished part three of my three part series (The Storm). I'll be moving onto another two part story for February.

Part 1
http://www.literotica.com/s/the-storm-ch-01-of-03

Part 2
http://www.literotica.com/s/the-storm-ch-02-of-03

Part 3
(coming soon)

I was just hoping for some feedback if you're in the mood. Likes, dislikes.
LEMME KNOW!

 

[PennLady]

Hi. Just read chs 1 and 2 of The Storm. I can't say I exactly like it, but I don't hate it.

One thing -- especially in Chapter 1, the dialogue punctuation needs work. You leave out a lot of commas before the close quote. I.e., you write things like:

"Come with me" he said.

and it should be

"Come with me," he said.

Okay -- I didn't really care for Sonya, although I think I could warm up to her. And it has nothing to do with her sleeping with the other guy. I think you were too repetitive about how angry she was about her fiance standing her up. After a bit I thought, okay, I have it, she's mad, let's move on.

I didn't like being talked at/to in the second chapter, but I'm sure that'll vary from person to person. For me, though, it was too much of a switch from the third person POV you'd used previously. It might have worked better if the story had been told from first person POV and then in this chapter, the narrator was musing or reflecting on what had happened.

Hmmmm. If you want more, just ask, but that's what I have for now.