Feedback, please...

[Monagamous_Now]

My first story was published today ... I'd love your feedback on it.

The story is "Mira and Me" in the "Incest/Taboo" section - here's a link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=501747

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi, M_N and welcome. A promising start but could do with some work.

I think it is a big mistake to mention that a story on Lit has any connection to real events. We come to read fiction and relate to the characters, not the author.

It is well known around these parts that I think that first person POV for a newbie creative writer is like a learner driver setting out in a Lamborghini rather than a Honda Accord. It can be done but is fraught with risks. For this story, first person makes sense but it feels as though you’ve got a tiger by the tail.

You seem to have fallen into several POV elephant traps. You talk to the reader, which is very off-putting as we are in your head and seeing things from your eyes.

but, you know the old saying - What would you say? I know what I said – I was in between wives etc.

In fact, I think your opening two paras are a bit deadly. Try this bit of advice from Rumple Foreskin

Also, because you’re so wrapped up in “I”s thoughts, the daughter is just a two dimensional person. I know that adult, erotic incest on Lit is very much a fantasy category but even in an unashamed stroke story there should be more development of character – a bit of tension.

Grammar/style is a bit of a problem. In my view, brackets are best avoided in fiction; ellipses are for trailing-off thoughts, and colons/semi-colons separate independent clauses rather than dashes. On dialogue, a new speaker starts a new paragraph every time. (OK P_F?)

Now, can I ask you a question? Is this really an incest story? If you changed ‘daughter’ for ‘daughter’s best friend’ doesn’t the story still work? You don’t really address the dynamic between them.

What do I know? This is not my favourite category but I hope I gave you some points to mull over.

Keep writing!

 

[Monagamous_Now]

Thank you...

Awesome feedback - I appreciate it.

Thank you.

 

[HeyAll]

I enjoyed it. I really liked the premise of a dad using his daughters computer and finding her nude pics there. I offer 2 suggestions:

1. Describe her more. What color are her nipples? What size? What does she look like? ect...


2. Add more realism to it: have the father struggle with whether he should masturbate to the pics or not. Perhaps the pics could be for the boyfriend and the daughter freaks out at first when she finds out dad was looking at them. Actually, that would be pretty funny, that dad thought the pics were for him, then later the daughter sees pics that her dad put there...lol


just a few friendly suggestions



Check out some of my stories posted in my sig, I've used similar themes.