feedback Please

[eroticfiction]

here are links to my stories
Conquest-She takes him and uses him.
Erotic Fiction #1-Romance in New Orleans




link link

 

[eroticfiction]

I would settle for any feedback at this point.........

 

[MaxSebastian]

Firstly, I think it should be law for anyone asking for feedback on this feedback board to include:

- the title of the story

- a link

- a few lines (not too many) about the story

Then, you see, anyone who likes giving feedback to people will know from the outset if it is the kind of story they will want to read.

I like to give people feedback from time to time, and I'll come to this board, and if someone hasn't given any details, it's annoying to then find the story is about a load of Nazi vampires or something that just isn't my bag. It saves me the bother if I know it's something that will interest me before I choose to give feedback.

Now, as for a little feedback for these two stories. I read them both, and I think that you display some very good descriptive writing, but with some key flaws. Firstly, I think you seem to be afraid of dialogue, so not only do you not use enough, the little you do use you hide away in a chunky paragraph. You need to break out from that, you can get some good characterisation through a proper use of dialogue - though it can be difficult if you're writing in the second person, such as in the rather catchingly-titled 'Erotic Fiction #1'.

Secondly, you need to do something about that kind of title.

Thirdly, in 'Conquest', which I thought was the better of the two (merely because I'm not partial to the 2nd person POV) the description was a pleasure to read right up until you gave a sudden list of vital statistics for your lead character. You're telling us about the leaves falling off the Magnolias because of the rain and I'm thinking 'hooray, we're going to have some really nice prose here' and then suddenly there's three lines with hair colour, eye colour, height, weight, chest size and star sign. Sure, Hemingway will sometimes take a paragraph to describe a character's physical attributes, but he will do it with style, and not in a straight list. This kind of list-style character description is over-used in literotica stories, and it is one of the easiest ways to come across as a real amateur. What would be better would be to blend those descriptive statistics in with the prose - we don't need it all at once at the beginning of the story - you can tell us what colour her eyes are at some point, then maybe a bit later on when he's running his hands through her hair, you can tell us what colour it is and so on.

Down with lists, that's what I say.



Max.

 

[*ladylove*]

I have to agree with Max on the whole 'listing' the physical characteristics thing. Sometimes its hard for a writer to figure out how to incorporate the characters' appearances into the flow of a story, but you have to play with the words, make the descriptions fall into the story. If you just list the characteristics, then we as the readers feel a bit cheated. You haven't left much for us to read on about. "here's what they look like and now they're going to fuck", not much excitement in that.

I do love the way you used the storm as a comparison for her passion. My favorite line, "The rain places itself in scattered patterns, the lightening strikes randomly, but it places and strikes mostly in me." You do have wonderful descriptive abilities, and if you incorporate that creativeness when you describe the physical attributes of your characters, your story will read better. It will urge your reader's on, make them want to hear more, and be able to develop them in their minds.

Another thing you may want to watch, is adding every movement of your characters into the story, and especially as separate sentences. It gives the story a choppy feel as you read.
example: "I unbutton and unzip his shorts. He stands up so we can remove them. He sits back down."
Those are three very short sentences in a row that could have been creatively combined into one. Short and choppy like this can lead to loss of a reader's interest, it contradicts the beauty of your descriptions.

*ladylove*

 

[eroticfiction]

Thank you ladylove, I appreciate your feedback. I know my writing style has been harmed by law school. Meaning, I used to creatively write much differently than now. I suppose it will just take time. Thanks again.

Max, I thank you as well. Your feedback tells me what I do not see. I will do some editing and re-writing after the bar exam. Thanks, really.

I added the titles of my stories and brief descriptions. Sorry, it was my first request for feedback and will not happen again.

 

[KillerVanity]

I only read one of your stories, Erotic Fiction #1, because I have a pathetically short attention span.

The first thing I noticed was that it's written with the audience as part of the story. I love it when stories can really draw me in like that, so I had high hopes. Unfortunately, I was immediately lost a few sentences afterwards when you described what "I" was wearing, and it was like nothing I'd ever wear. If I really wanted to feel like part of your story, it would be something generic: "You look handsome in your usual <s>khakis</s> pants with a button down <s>Chaps Ralph Lauren</s> shirt, blue, <s>matching your eyes</s>."

There were several grammar errors toward the end, including some problems with elipses, that you should just check with Word or another program that can do it for you. Also, the ending is rushed and some sentences and phrases seem to just be filler.

 

[KillerVanity]

addendum

I'm also sending you more detailed feedback directly from your story.

 

[eroticfiction]

Killer vanity, Just because my story descriptions of clothing did not pertain to you, you should not bash it. Your criticism is without merit. See ladylove and Max, they know how to give constructive criticism. YOU suck dick.