Feedback Please

[clownprince2008]

Just a little sidenote first. This story has been on the site for a while now and the reason I'm asking for feedback now is because I decided to start writing again. As you can see it's the only story I'd done during my last stint on this site and although I'd already gotten some feedback, alot of it was either about my admittedly shitty spelling and the also admittedly shit title.

So I'm just looking for areas where I can improve before writing another story. And yes, I'll try to come up with a better title.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=324627

 

[driphoney]

Some might want to contact you privately, but you have to turn that feature on.

You have a red H and some very nice comments! I should be asking you for advice.

This is just my own opinion and I'm no professional critic and you're doing better than me, so take what I say with a heavy dose of skepticism.

The story appears to an American story, in spite of the 'metres' comment (because the site is US based and the stories often are US based, and probably the largest number of readers are US based,) so the spelling differences stand out, and the punctuation choice looks wrong to our eyes. That might account for some of your slightly negative comments in that regard. I'm not sure, but if it were obvious the story takes place in Australia it might help -- and make it much more intriguing for us Aussie lusting Americans! (Oh, yeah, baby!)

Also, in the future, try not to refer to 50 year old men as 'elderly', they don't think they are yet and many of them visit the site. You pop them out of the story when they have to roll their eyes.

Many, many of your paragraphs started with the word 'I'. Even though the story is first person, you might want to change that up in the future. (Though looking at that red H, I have to wonder!)

Some of your story feels a bit like what I now think of as 'play-by-play'. I have this same problem. To read more on this check out this excellent How To by TheEarl. This whole How To is excellent, but I'm thinking of where he talks about the play-by-play for sex. This concept can be looked at in a broader concept: is your story starting to be a blow-by-blow account of events? As I said, I now see this in my writing, too.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=107347

Also, I'm a simple minded girl, so I have trouble jumping back and forth in time with your story -- this coming from someone who did this very thing in her story! But it seems your readers and commenters had no problem with this, so it's probably just me.

Now, I have to tell you what I liked, it's only fair, right? I liked your caring male lead, the girly-girl in me loves reading a story from a nice guy perspective. I, personally, get tired of the young male, "She was just a hot slut and I was gonna fuck 'er" fantasies, so this was refreshing to see. Though I got confused jumping back and forth in time, I liked the concept of the story. Your dialogue is well-written, too.

God I feel awful! I'm never giving a public opinion again. I'm just not a good enough writer! Here! Have some flowers: and a kiss:

~dh~

 

[clownprince2008]

Believe me, I got some complaints about the jumps in time but my ego couldn't stand it so I deleted them.

And yes, you're absolutely right. ALOT, of my paragraphs start with I. This can be attributed to the fact I didn't proof read and didn't write it all at once.

But all in all, thanks for your comments. And that link was suprisingly helpful.

 

[mikado2005]

I liked it.

I could follow the timeline shifts and they tracked with your story. The story line was logical and it all came together at the end. Can't ask much more than that.

I think you know the negative points already. Most of them are obvious. Proofread. Proofread. Proofread. Look for spelling errors. Watch for tense shifts from past to present and back. That is a problem I also have. Grammar check won't always catch them. Let others read your story before publishing. They can sometimes catch obvious errors your eye no longer sees.

Other than that--great story. Keep it up. Sometimes the good guy finishes best

mikado2005