Feedback Please.

[Max47]

Would like some feedback on Rental with Benefits (Part 1 &2) in Erotic Couplings section. Am looking for input from writers rather than readers. I would like to "clean" these up and make them more readable.
If anyone has the time or inclination, would appreciate any feedback on my other stories.
Link to my stories is below. Link is below.
Thanks, Max47

http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

First of all, your link doesn't work Try http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=878811&page=submissions

Now the story. Loved the opening. It's grabbed me, making me want to read. However, then you launched into 8 paragraphs of boring description littered with numbers (YIKES! Don't do that. Height, weight, age, bood size and cock size should be rendered, not stated.) and TELLING. Then on single sentence of dialogue, six more paragraphs of TELLING... and so on.

Are you starting to get the picture? After essentially 2/3rds of a Lit page, I gave up looking for a story. I liken these writings to a guy sitting in a pub telling the story of his experience in the Battle of the Bulge during "The Big One." It's just not very interesting. Seen it. Done it. Sorry.

 

[Guest]

(ETA: should have read Jenny's post more carefully. Obviously, I agree with her.)

What struck me in reading the story is that there are (by my rough count) four places where one line of dialogue follows another. I don't think that there are any places where speakers alternate three times.

I think that amount of "telling" as opposed to "showing" weakens what could otherwise be a pretty good story by reducing the tension in the story to nearly zero and hampering your character development--because we hear everything at a remove through the narrator.

Consider:

Marla smiled ruefully and began to tell me more about herself. It seems that she and her husband had an active sex life until he died. Since then she had had no relationships, but had dated occasionally. It seemed to her that the men she dated were more interested in one-night stands or were more interested in her money. She had made the decision a few years back to just get out of that scene.

This is your narrator "telling" about a character. Why not let the character speak for herself? Not trying to rewrite your work, and just as an example, you might consider something like:

Marla smiled ruefully. "My husband and I had an active sex life, right up until he died. Since then--well, I've dated occasionally, but it seemed like the men were more interested in one-night stands, or in my money. I decided a few years ago to just get out of that scene."

In the second example, we hear it, instead of hearing about it. For my money, it's more personal and shows more about Marla.

Interspersing more dialogue with a certain necessary amount of narrative will keep the energy up in your story, and the reader more interested.

Just my USD 1/50th.