feedback please.

[kt2002angel]

What do you think?

 

[CeriseNoire]

Um, first, you need to submit a complete story through Lit's submission system, and when it posts, some here for feedback.

Second, just skimming through what you show here (it looks too painful to actually read), I can point out the following:

1. Stories have paragraphs.

2. Writing in the second person POV is hard even for good writers.

3. Rampant spelling errors do not make for a good read.

4. Grammar does not deserve to be murdered. You have run-ons, fragments, improper past participle forms, missing punctuation, etc.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Uh huh...Uh huh.

And why are you posting this crap in the Feedback Forum? This is for writers looking for feedback on STORIES. This is not a story. This is some scene you imagined and poorly transmuted into text(?)

Go away!

 

[FatDino]

Uh huh...Uh huh.

And why are you posting this crap in the Feedback Forum? This is for writers looking for feedback on STORIES. This is not a story. This is some scene you imagined and poorly transmuted into text(?)

Go away!

Oh I just choked on my water.

Help me, help me!

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Oh I just choked on my water.

Help me, help me!

How does one perform CPR on a cute little dinosaur?

 

[FatDino]

How does one perform CPR on a cute little dinosaur?

He holds the dino upside down so that water can come out due to gravity, then blow air into the dino's snout...sorta like blowing up a balloon.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

He holds the dino upside down so that water can come out due to gravity, then blow air into the dino's snout...sorta like blowing up a balloon.

Makes perfect sense, I don't know why it didn't occur to me in the first place....

 

[FatDino]

Makes perfect sense, I don't know why it didn't occur to me in the first place....

*snickers*

 

[cloudy]

What do you think?


As you lay there sleeping you are slowly awoke my gentle kisses on your lips you quickly roll over trying to get more sleep. You feel me slide your legs over my shoulders and my soft breaths against your thighs. Slowly I trace you pussy out on the outside of my panties with my tongue, pushing my tongue into the fabric. You feel warmth on your clit as I breathe deeply smelling your moist pussy with each breath. Gently I slide your panties to the side, and slide just the tip of my tongue up and down your pussy. With each stroke I slide deeper into your vagina till you can feel the tip of my nose rub against your clit. My hand slides slowly up and down your pussy; and then slowly two finger slide inside, sliding against your gspot as I kiss softly up your silky smooth skin. Pausing for a moment to suck each nipple into my mouth making each hard, then moving on. Kissing your neck I sucking just enough so that I can scrape my teeth against your skin, sending shivers up your spine. Inch by inch I feel you shutter till I get you your ear. Sucking your earlobe, flipping it with my tongue, I say to you, "Wake up my angel." You smile and squirm and I move to your lips. Kissing them delicately, flipping my tongue just over the edges, I feel you push your lips against mine. As you do this I slide another finger into your vagina, sucking in your gasps and moans into my mouth as I slowly slide my **** into you and remove my fingers. Your moans feeding my excitement, making my dick harder and deeper with every stroke. Suddenly my dick becomes soaked in your juices. You lay still, quivering as waves of orgasms tear through your body. I slide my dick hard into you again, and you sit up. All muscles in your body clench and then release, you spray your yellow nectar onto the bed, and my dick as I pull out of you, moving quickly down to lap your sweet urine that I can find. You lay there unmoving panting as I lick at your crotch.

My eyes! My eyes!

 

[FatDino]

My eyes! My eyes!

Here here I have Visine itll make them feel better what punctuation? who needs them

 

[jomar]

When the writing is stilted and the grammar is butchered, I tend to think the person is not writing in their native language. Perhaps Borat is trying his hand at erotica. Was the woman Pamela Anderson?

 

[starrkers]

My eyes! My eyes!

You just had to quote it, didn't you, Cloudy?