Feedback please

[naughtyhousewife]

I just submitted my first two erotic stories to Literotica. My problem is that I am getting very low ratings. Can you please read my submissions and tell me what to do to improve? I would really appreciate it.
I don't know how to post an address so I'm posted under naughtyhousewife...my stories are titled Captain of the Football Team and A Day at the Beach. Again, thanks so much!

 

[Nasha]

Hi, naughtyhousewife, and welcome.

Here are the links to your stories:

A Day at the Beach

Captain of the Football Team

I'll go and check 'em out, now.

 

[Nasha]

Hi again.

I've had a peek at "Captain of the Football Team," and I'll give you my two cents as to why your story isn't getting higher scores.

You've got a fine grasp of language, and your descriptions--of bodies, of action, of aspects of the setting, like the sting of the shower spray--are quite good. But there's no story around them, so I never care what's happening.

It's a stroke piece, which is fine--there are plenty of those on the site that do well with the voters. But, even as a stroke piece, it's a pretty shallow little scene (not a story), populated by stereotypes and lacking any dramatic or sexual tension to capture our interest. There's no delayed gratification, no teasing moment of longing before all the fantasies start getting fulfilled. And the people in the story might as well be three rubber dolls, for all I know and care about them.

Little things like this are a tad jarring:

Kimmy kneeled down on her knees before Trish...

"on her knees" is redundant. You should try to pick them up in proofing before you post, or solicit the help of a volunteer editor. There are other things, like missing punctuation for possessives, and the like.

Your writing is fine. Just take some time to think of an interesting story to put the hot sex into.

Good luck with the next one.

Nasha

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi welcome naughtyhousewife

You've given a girl who thinks 'myspace' is between her ears the chance to show off my little bit of knowledge.

A link is easy, you just have to put [URL ] then copy the http line and close with [/URL] without leaving any spaces.

So taking your submissions page, you type [URL ] http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=839671&page=submissions [/URL] but without the spaces, like this;

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=839671&page=submissions

There is a neat little globe on the icon bar of messages that will guide you through if you need it.

If you want to be really flash, you can use your story titles as links.

[URL =http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=307649] a day at the beach [/URL] again with no spaces, looks like this;

a day at the beach

captain of the football team

The little globe icon will make it easy.

Having done my showing off, I'll go and read your stories.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Hi welcome naughtyhousewife

You've given a girl who thinks 'myspace' is between her ears the chance to show off my little bit of knowledge.

A link is easy, you just have to put [URL ] then copy the http line and close with [/URL] without leaving any spaces.

So taking your submissions page, you type [URL ] http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=839671&page=submissions [/URL] but without the spaces, like this;

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=839671&page=submissions

There is a neat little globe on the icon bar of messages that will guide you through if you need it.

If you want to be really flash, you can use your story titles as links.

[URL =http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=307649] a day at the beach [/URL] again with no spaces, looks like this;

a day at the beach

captain of the football team

The little globe icon will make it easy.

Having done my showing off, I'll go and read your stories.

You show off anytime you want! The 'myspace' comment was priceless...I'm off to read as well...

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Ok... Day at the Beach

First two paragraphs:

MaryBeth sank gratefully down onto the warm sand and sighed as it conformed to welcome her weight. She peered through sunglasses, disguising crystal blue eyes, the same color as the raging ocean before her.

The beach practically belonged to her on the hot August morning. She had beaten the crowds of mothers with their screaming children and the teens out of school for summer vacation. She did see a group of coeds playing volleyball but didn't pay them any mind, until he came up to serve. He was not her usual style but something about him made her take a longer look.

Note the missing commas. Then you wrote, "...until he came up to serve." Where did "he" come from. Who is he? It would have been better to notice him first with a light discription. You go on to para three and do that. But you've already created the stumble. You discribe the ocean as "raging." The image here is a woman sunbathing on the beach in the midst of a raging storm?

Then paragraph five:

Suddenly she felt strong hands on her calves, rubbing on her suntan lotion. MaryBeth wanted to roll over but didn't want the massage to end.

I don't think so. That's called sexual harrassment. Reality just went out the window.

From that point on, you fell into a "dream piece." That would have been alright if that's what you intended, but you have to let the reader know that's what you are doing. Did this really happen or was this her imagination?

Your story raises more questions than it answers.

Another problem with the story is: Who are these people. She has blue eyes and lays on the beach. He has big muscles and seems to be a rapist. That's about all we know. You need to develop your characters. You need to give them a life of their own, personality, thought processes and dialogue.

The story was a good idea, but fell short in execution. You do write fairly well, though somewhat verbose where it's not really needed. You can do a lot with a simple story like this. I expect you will as you progress.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

A Day At the Beach

A very short piece. The problem with pieces this short is that they never get a chance to develop, this is one is a prime example. It's more like a scene from a longer story.

My problem is that she notices Mr. Volleyball, and then he is immediatley rubbing suntan stuff on her legs. You need more development.

Captain of the Football Team

Again, this is just too short. If you are just looking to write short stroke pieces, then you are probably doing okay. The main problem is your characters come off looking like stereotypes from a bad porn movie.

I think you have some talent for writing, it would be interesting to see what you could do if you tried to write something longer.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I've read both stories, and Nasha's comments are valid for both.

There are some glitches that need better proofreading, but your real problem is you write a scene, but not a story. Even as stroke, we are not engaged with the characters.

As well as wanting the sex, we also need to want the characters to hit it off. I'm not a great believer in the complications some people make about writing.

I'll get laughed at, but think fairy stories Cinderella, Peter Pan etc. They start with an event out of the ordinary, a series of misunderstandings and near misses take place, then a glorious climax. Just what erotic fiction is all about.

Although you write very well, you don't take the time to create abit of tension or show us what your characters are feeling.

At the moment, it's a bit two-dimensional, but with your ability and taking a risk with something a bit longer - 5k words is about the minimum to get a rounded short story - I think you'll do really well.

Post here when you put something else up.

Good start.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I'll get laughed at, but think fairy stories Cinderella, Peter Pan etc. They start with an event out of the ordinary, a series of misunderstandings and near misses take place, then a glorious climax. Just what erotic fiction is all about.

Elle,
Cinderella and Peter Pan in a sex romp? That image gives me a headache.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Jens, where is your soul?


Cinders is cleaning, she can't go to the ball - and then? A whole series of events , including glass slippers and rats, ends up with her marrying the Prince.

Don't tell me the best selling writers - I won't mention names here - haven't based their best stories on this template. It's sold millions.

 

[writelove]

I would agree that this is just a scene. It does need a bit more to grab me. Undulating flesh needs a bit more to intrigue I believe.

The first few paras of each story seemed awkward to me, not as flowing and natural as the rest of it.

I don't have anything else to add that hasn't been said.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Oh... I think I figured out the stumble in the second paragraph. Sometimes I'm not real smart, I guess. It reads in part, "She did see a group of coeds playing volleyball but didn't pay them any mind, until he came up to serve."

There's the problem. "coeds" - from Dictionary.com

n. A woman who attends a coeducational college or university.

Then "he" came up to serve. If he's a woman, that throws an entirely different spin on this story.

I think simply "college kids" would have been what you meant.