!!!Feedback, please!!!

[prahaar2006]

I have posted some stories under the name prahaar2006.

I would be grateful if you would read them and let me have your views.

Just click http://english.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=628129&page=submissions

Please email me at prahaar.prahaar@gmail.com

I will respond to all emails that have a return address.

Thanks!

 

[Sissy Adele Howells]

Link please

Hi, Think you will get a response if you could provide a link to these stories. Then we would only have to click on them.
SISSY ADELE

 

[Hotcappucino]

Link to prahaar2006's stories.

 

[prahaar2006]

Thanks!

Thanks Sissy A and HotC!

I have modfied my post.

P

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Prahaar,

I believe the characterization and plot of your story will work, but the narrative style is flat. Simply put, the style is classic telling instead of showing.

Consider:

The man was uncouth, rude and unhelpful and kept snapping at the woman for no reason at all.

For me this is not nearly so effective as something like:

The woman shivered and looked to her husband. "Would you be a dear and reach my coat for me?"

The man's brow dropped. His eyes narrowed, but they did not leave the newspaper he held in front of him. "You have legs and hands. Get it yourself."

There are similar issues within this paragraph:

I asked her how old her husband was. She said that she did not know his age or her own, but he was much older than her. This was his second marriage and her parents had been forced to marry her off to him since they did not have the money for a dowry. He was a worker by day in a factory in Baroda and a watchman by night at the owner's home. She had come to Baroda five years ago after her marriage. Her language was of the soil and she was obviously uneducated. Upon asking, she told me that her name was Mangala but refused to name her husband.

I don't get to hear a single spoken word, nor hear an expression. This makes the passage stale.


For more examples of showing instead of telling:
http://www.customline.com/wordware/individual/articles/showing.html

Hope some of that helps.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[prahaar2006]

Thanks, Penny

'Thank you very much, Penny', said Prahaar, his eyes filled with large tears of gratitude that rolled down his cheek and plopped on to the light fawn carpet. 'You do not know how much you have helped me. I shall keep this good advice is mind every time I write. I shall think of you as the person who pointed me in the right direction', he continued. Penny looked at him, an expression of disbelief crossing her pretty face and furrowing her brow. Could he be leading her on? But there was no twinkle in his eye and no cynicism on his face. He meant every word, she realized.

Something on these lines, Penny?

I shall check out the link you have so kindly provided.

Though I smiled as I wrote Para 1, I am serious about the sentiment. I am grateful to you for taking the time out to read and respond. More feedback will be welcomed!

Take care!

P

 

[Penelope Street]

You're Welcome

'Thank you very much, Penny', said Prahaar, his eyes filled with large tears of gratitude that rolled down his cheek and plopped on to the light fawn carpet. 'You do not know how much you have helped me. I shall keep this good advice is mind every time I write. I shall think of you as the person who pointed me in the right direction', he continued. Penny looked at him, an expression of disbelief crossing her pretty face and furrowing her brow. Could he be leading her on? But there was no twinkle in his eye and no cynicism on his face. He meant every word, she realized.

I think you've the right idea, but there is still a little telling within this paragraph.

You might consider simply omitting of gratitude; allowing me to decide why he weeps forces me to become involved. Telling me she has an expression of disbelief doesn't show me that expression; does she lean her head to one side with her eyebrows low over her eyes or do her eyebrows jump upward over wide eyes?

Also, saying she is pretty doesn't show me the slightest glimpse what she looks like, does it? Something like a wide smile pushed her cheeks to the edges of her flowing red tresses might be nice. The last one is more difficult- how do you show something that's not there?

As a side note, does she not deserve a paragraph of her own?

Take Care,
Penny

 

[kbate]

I think you've the right idea, but there is still a little telling within this paragraph.

You might consider simply omitting of gratitude; allowing me to decide why he weeps forces me to become involved. Telling me she has an expression of disbelief doesn't show me that expression; does she lean her head to one side with her eyebrows low over her eyes or do her eyebrows jump upward over wide eyes?

Also, saying she is pretty doesn't show me the slightest glimpse what she looks like, does it? Something like a wide smile pushed her cheeks to the edges of her flowing red tresses might be nice. The last one is more difficult- how do you show something that's not there?

As a side note, does she not deserve a paragraph of her own?

Take Care,
Penny

:emoticon: :emoticon: :emoticon:

I might just be in love with you. <- she said playfully.

 

[Penelope Street]

I might just be in love with you. <- she said playfully.

I could harbor similar inclinations. <- she said gleefully.

 

[prahaar2006]

Thanks!

That is so beautiful!

Thanks!

Will always keep this in mind!

As to describing the lovely (Flowing red locks being the keys to my heart) Penny, I would do a far better job if I had her picture!

Cheers!


J

 

[Penelope Street]

You're welcome

Nice try! Have a thing for redheads, do you? I dyed my hair red once. Yeah, once. It was just awful; I don't have the skin for it. If you want to describe the real me, you'll have to go for dirty blonde or blanched mousy brown- depending on the season and the light.

 

[prahaar2006]

You know Penny, what matters to me in matters of romance is not so much what is on the head as what is in it.

I am all heart and a sucker for appreciation. So, there you have it!

But you have wonderful writing skills and I have been trying to use your feedback It s not easy!

As to the pic!?!

Hands clenched, cheek muscles taut, eyes agog, Prahaar waited for the Penny to drop!!! His eyes swivelled from left to right, his brows creased in concetration...was there a picture attached to the response to his email?