This is my first story submitted, any feedback is welcomed.
Thank you for your time...
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=205410
Thank you for your time...
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=205410
Feedback please
- Thread starter Euphy
- Start date
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________Euphy said:
Very interesting treatment, bordering on bizarre—a blend of streaming consciousness and poetic construction. It drew me and I had to read the whole thing. Well-written with an unpredictable ending.
Good luck to you on your future writing.
Manxy
Sigmund_Freud
Virgin
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2005
- Posts
- 25
Hi Euphy,
That was a good read - that was a good first post. Well done! It was very hot, and that's a good twist at the end.
I had two thoughts in particular while reading. The first is the unique style you've taken in your writing - short punchy sentences, acting as their own paragraphs. It does give the impression she's adding afterthoughts and interjections as she talks to the detective, and that's a interesting idea. I do think, however, it would run more smoothly if you cast the dialogue a little more traditionally. It has the feel of film noir, and I think that would lend itself better to the flow of thought. The reason I suggest this is that some of the shorter sentences, instead of adding emphasis to what has been said, suggest an import or significance that isn't really there. Fer instance:
"His wife stood up, unsteadily, and shook my hand...slurred a few words and slid right back down into her seat where she motioned for the waiter to bring her another gin and tonic.
Poor woman."
Looks much better as:
"His wife stood up, unsteadily, and shook my hand, slurred a few words, and slid right back down into her seat where she motioned for the waiter to bring her another gin and tonic. Poor woman."
... and that's simply because I'm still going to recognize the great gulf between the married couple, and her drunk, meaningless marriage, without too much pretense.
The second thing, and mind you this is very much a matter of taste: I'd love to see this cast as more a dialogue between the Dominatrix and the Detective. I'd love to hear from him. I think she'd be more inclined to recognize her construction worker after all those deliveries -so it might give you an opportunity to have her wonder why he looks so familiar. And then, in the end, she realizes it's a very clean cut, shriven version of her man.
So, yow! I enjoyed reading that. Are you working on some more?
Sigmund Freud
The Training of Slave Girl Shana
That was a good read - that was a good first post. Well done! It was very hot, and that's a good twist at the end.
I had two thoughts in particular while reading. The first is the unique style you've taken in your writing - short punchy sentences, acting as their own paragraphs. It does give the impression she's adding afterthoughts and interjections as she talks to the detective, and that's a interesting idea. I do think, however, it would run more smoothly if you cast the dialogue a little more traditionally. It has the feel of film noir, and I think that would lend itself better to the flow of thought. The reason I suggest this is that some of the shorter sentences, instead of adding emphasis to what has been said, suggest an import or significance that isn't really there. Fer instance:
"His wife stood up, unsteadily, and shook my hand...slurred a few words and slid right back down into her seat where she motioned for the waiter to bring her another gin and tonic.
Poor woman."
Looks much better as:
"His wife stood up, unsteadily, and shook my hand, slurred a few words, and slid right back down into her seat where she motioned for the waiter to bring her another gin and tonic. Poor woman."
... and that's simply because I'm still going to recognize the great gulf between the married couple, and her drunk, meaningless marriage, without too much pretense.
The second thing, and mind you this is very much a matter of taste: I'd love to see this cast as more a dialogue between the Dominatrix and the Detective. I'd love to hear from him. I think she'd be more inclined to recognize her construction worker after all those deliveries -so it might give you an opportunity to have her wonder why he looks so familiar. And then, in the end, she realizes it's a very clean cut, shriven version of her man.
So, yow! I enjoyed reading that. Are you working on some more?
Sigmund Freud
The Training of Slave Girl Shana
Thank you, Thank you! Manxy and Sigmund Freud
I appreciate your compliments and suggestions.
Re-reading the story, I regret a few (ok, several) sentences and the thought process that attempted to flow through them ~sigh~ hindsight....
I imagined the story with your suggestions and I have no doubt that I missed a great opportunity by not allowing the detective any dialogue or implying a slight recognition...hmmm, maybe a follow up?
Honestly, this my very first great leap of faith into erotica. I do have other stories and I am currently working on another.
I am very pleased that you have enjoyed my story..my thanks to you once again for the feedback
Euphy
I appreciate your compliments and suggestions.
Re-reading the story, I regret a few (ok, several) sentences and the thought process that attempted to flow through them ~sigh~ hindsight....
I imagined the story with your suggestions and I have no doubt that I missed a great opportunity by not allowing the detective any dialogue or implying a slight recognition...hmmm, maybe a follow up?
Honestly, this my very first great leap of faith into erotica. I do have other stories and I am currently working on another.
I am very pleased that you have enjoyed my story..my thanks to you once again for the feedback
Euphy
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