I have my very first story up, and would love to know what you think!!!
http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=120282
http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=120282
Feedback, please
- Thread starter QuirkyK
- Start date
Stepandfetchit
Virgin
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2003
- Posts
- 22
I clicked on your story three times and it kept sending me to the ooops! page, then the home page.
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
I think it’s a very good story for a first submission. The writing is very competent and the mechanics are good. There are a few little errors but nothing serious, nothing that would distract the reader. It’s a very good story as far as it goes. My only real complaint is that it doesn’t go very far.
In terms of story, I think that she tumbles for this guy awfully quickly: too quickly. The story starts with her missing her old lover, who’s away, and then there’s a knock on the door and here’s his best friend. She doesn’t seem very glad to see this guy, but then he tells her how he’s here to “reap the rewards” or something, they kiss, and immediately she falls to her knees and starts puffing away on the old pants pipe. Doesn’t seem very likely to me.
Wait: here’s what he says:
Michael was a major fuck up, he screwed up, and now I want to be the one that reaps in the benefits,” he grinned, moving slowly towards her to kiss her deeply.
I don’t expect poetry, but this is not one of the best seduction lines I’ve ever heard. I can’t imagine it working on any girl.
After they kiss, she asks him what took him so long, so apparently she’s been wanting this too, but then, why is she not happier to see him when he shows up? It’s the story’s major flaw, in my opinion. But then, in sex stories, the sex is usually easier to write then the set-up. What happens in bed is pretty straightforward compared to the games men and women play getting there, but for a lot of readers, the games are the really interesting part.
There some unnecessary telling in the story too. You tell us when he walks in that he’s been waiting for the right time to “get into her pants”. I think it would have been better if you had let us figure that out for ourselves. He follows her into the house, staring at her ass in her “daisy dukes” (whatever those are. Short shorts?) as he follows her. I think we can figure out what’s on his mind. Showing what’s going on in such a way that the reader can figure out what it means is one of the secrets of pulling people into the story, and knowing what to show and how to show it is something that separates good authors from mediocre ones.
But, as I say, very good first story. Look forward to more.
---dr.M.
In terms of story, I think that she tumbles for this guy awfully quickly: too quickly. The story starts with her missing her old lover, who’s away, and then there’s a knock on the door and here’s his best friend. She doesn’t seem very glad to see this guy, but then he tells her how he’s here to “reap the rewards” or something, they kiss, and immediately she falls to her knees and starts puffing away on the old pants pipe. Doesn’t seem very likely to me.
Wait: here’s what he says:
Michael was a major fuck up, he screwed up, and now I want to be the one that reaps in the benefits,” he grinned, moving slowly towards her to kiss her deeply.
I don’t expect poetry, but this is not one of the best seduction lines I’ve ever heard. I can’t imagine it working on any girl.
After they kiss, she asks him what took him so long, so apparently she’s been wanting this too, but then, why is she not happier to see him when he shows up? It’s the story’s major flaw, in my opinion. But then, in sex stories, the sex is usually easier to write then the set-up. What happens in bed is pretty straightforward compared to the games men and women play getting there, but for a lot of readers, the games are the really interesting part.
There some unnecessary telling in the story too. You tell us when he walks in that he’s been waiting for the right time to “get into her pants”. I think it would have been better if you had let us figure that out for ourselves. He follows her into the house, staring at her ass in her “daisy dukes” (whatever those are. Short shorts?) as he follows her. I think we can figure out what’s on his mind. Showing what’s going on in such a way that the reader can figure out what it means is one of the secrets of pulling people into the story, and knowing what to show and how to show it is something that separates good authors from mediocre ones.
But, as I say, very good first story. Look forward to more.
---dr.M.
Thanks Dr. M!
I really appreciate your honest review of my story, and I will definitely take into consideration everything that you have told me.
It was my first story on here, and I know that it was rather short and not very detailed. I am working on another, and it's already 3 times as long and I'm not finished yet, so I'll be sure and let you know when this one goes up as well.
Again, thanks for the feedback!
--QK
I really appreciate your honest review of my story, and I will definitely take into consideration everything that you have told me.
It was my first story on here, and I know that it was rather short and not very detailed. I am working on another, and it's already 3 times as long and I'm not finished yet, so I'll be sure and let you know when this one goes up as well.
Again, thanks for the feedback!
--QK
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