Feedback - please?

[Goldie Munro]

I have submited a few stories now and have had some really good feedback from readers I would like some feedback from writers too! What do you think?

The 10.30 Express Bar Room Quickie The Tethering Tree

 

[Jenny _S]

I have submited a few stories now and have had some really good feedback from readers I would like some feedback from writers too! What do you think?

The 10.30 Express Bar Room Quickie The Tethering Tree

Goldie,
Your links don't work. They create an error...
Try

Bar Room Quickie
10:30 Express
Tethering Tree

That should help you get a response.

 

[Guest]

I have a few comments -

I read Bar Room Quickie and have a few suggestions.

I think your story could be expanded. It really is quite brief.

On the other hand, I do like your descriptions:

“I’m betting that you are just more than a little bit wet down there. Am I right? Is my dirty little slut all wet and swollen? Will my fingers just slide effortlessly along that pussy of yours?”

That's a nice bit of dialogue. You really do bring to mind a quick bout of naughty lesbian sex in a bar bathroom.

I enjoy your writing style. It is casual and easy to read; it sounds as if you are telling a story to a friend. You need to be careful that it doesn't become sloppy, however.

"The chat was the usual light-hearted banter – anecdotes from the past week, who’d been seen going out with whom, who had split up and why. The usual stuff!"

These are terrific phrases but I wonder if they come across the way you wish.

Our chat began with the usual light-hearted banter. We relayed anecdotes from the past week, chuckled over the newest dating couples and groaned about the latest broken romances.

Also, you do seem to have some difficulty with past and present tense. That can make things a bit difficult to read.

For instance -
"Zeta was my girlfriend. Right now she was sitting opposite me in the bar where we met up with friends nearly every Friday night."

right now - she was sitting - where we met up (these tenses clash)

Zeta, my girlfriend, was sitting across from me in the bar. We usually met mutual friends here on Friday nights.

These are small things, but they can make a big difference in your overall presentation.

Congratulations on your story and good luck!

 

[Jenny _S]

Bar Room Quickie

Goldie,

You have a good story here. You got off to a good start in the first paragraph. It’s short but still sets the scene and identifies the characters.

But you did make a couple of grammatical errors and one error that confused me. The first two sentences read:

"Zeta was my girlfriend. Right now she was sitting opposite me in the bar where we met up with friends nearly every Friday night."

You say, “Zeta was… “ Then you say “Right now she was…” Notice the tense change? This caused me to bump my head and go back to reread. The entire paragraph is in past tense so how can Zeta be sitting across from you in the present?

The paragraph goes on:

“The chat was the usual light-hearted banter – anecdotes from the past week, who’d been seen going out with whom, who had split up and why. The usual stuff!”

The “-“ you are using here to make this something like a parenthetical expression. Later in the third paragraph you use this again twice. In the fourth paragraph once again. Each time it made me stumble.

I would suggest it would read better written as:

“The chat was the usual light-hearted banter of anecdotes from the past week, who’d been seen going out with whom, who had split up and why.” Note the only change was to replace “-“ with "of". But I think it reads smoother.

“The usual stuff!” has two things I wouldn’t do. The exclamation point should be a period. Save the exclamation point for real effect. Second, the whole sentence is redundant and not needed at all. You’ve already told the reader in greater detail about the conversation.

Then “Jodie” pops up. Who is Jodie? You didn’t warn the reader there were more than just you and Zeta there. You said you met friends at the bar. Is Jodie one of them? These are questions the reader will stumble over and ask.

In the second paragraph, the fifth sentence does not have a verb. I think you left out the word “are” before “an”. The sentence should read “I know in this day and age we are an anachronism…”

Later in the story you write: “I could feel her hot breath on my ear and before I had time to answer she thrust her hand roughly up my blouse, pulled up my bra and began squeezing my left breast and nipple hard.”

This is a very long sentence and it includes two separate actions. I suggest you make this two sentences like:

“I could feel her hot breath on my ear. Before I had time to answer she thrust her hand roughly up my blouse, pulled up my bra and began squeezing my left breast and nipple hard.” This defines each action in it’s own sentence.

There are more things I can say about the technical writing. But these cover, I think, the general errors I found.

I would tell you to find an editor to look over your story before you submit it. A good one would have picked up on these things. Don’t give up. You did well for your first story. The two main characters are defined. The action flows naturally from the bar to the bathroom and to the sex scene. The sex scene was set up well from the beginning when you played with Zeta in the bar so it wasn’t unexpected.

Good job. I look forward to reading the other two.

 

[Goldie Munro]

feedback

to Jenny_s

Thanks for sorting out my links!

Also thanks for your helpful comments - they made complete sense! Seems no matter how hard you try and edit yourself there are always errors - thanks again!

goldie

 

[Goldie Munro]

feeback

to Sweetsubsarah

Thank you for your helpul comments - they are really appreciated!

goldie