Feedback Please

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

I would like some feedback on my 2 new poems. The first 4 I submitted didn't go over as well as I had hoped, so here's my newest for your thoughts. Tell me what you think, what you like or don't like.

Were We Wrong

Did You Think Of Me

Wicked

 

[christcat69]

I like them both alot. Have you thought about songwritng at all? Perhaps, you should. They are both very lyrical. But they flow well.

My poems

 

[Rybka]

Agreed

Have you thought about songwritng at all? Perhaps, you should.

Your submissions are each somewhat repetitive. They do make better songs than poetry. Plus triteness in songs is far more acceptable.

Keep trying! You will always improve as long as you continue to read and write. You have promise.

Regards, Rybka

 

[christcat69]

Re: Agreed

Your submissions are each somewhat repetitive. They do make better songs than poetry. Plus triteness in songs is far more acceptable.

Keep trying! You will always improve as long as you continue to read and write. You have promise.

Regards, Rybka

Don't listen to her. She has social problems....constantly has her foot in her mouth. I think your poetry is lovely. It comes from the heart. Keep writing and don't let anyone put you down like that.

No one, not even Rybka, is righteous.

 

[HomerPindar]

Hi WNE,

On did you think of me:

There's an element that's come up with other peoples list poems of late that bares mentioning here, by the time the reader has hit the second "did you think of me..." we got the idea. It adds alot of words to the message that may, or may not, be your intention.

On were we wrong:

"Were we wrong to say I love you"
As a message that's fine, as poetry "to say" appears redundant - in other words, don't say it, show it. in this case I fear it may require a rewrite of the whole poem, but consider, was I wrong to send flowers, spending the morning lieing until the afternoon was half done, to ignore that waiter because I'd rather stare into your eyes... whatever. Demonstrate how you express love rather than actually using the word love.

Both of the other comments made mention of music and using these as songs, on that score, ignore what I said in order to fit a beat or rhythm.


HomerPindar

 

[Star At Sunrise]

Thanks for your poems, WNE. We can tell they came straight from your heart. Poetry is a great way to explore those feelings that seem to want to tear us up inside. Keep writing, and don't get discouraged. And take all advice with a grain of salt. Even mine! I don't know jack about poetry!

Were We Wrong
by Wicked-N-Erotic ©

Were we wrong to say I love you
Perhaps it was a bit too soon
Were we wrong to say I love you
Did we mean it just to be as friends

Were we just two lonely souls
Searching for a caring heart
Were we hurt and acting out
Looking for something more

Were we wrong to say I love you
Did we say what we really felt
Were we wrong to say I love you
Did we mean it for someone else

Are we sorry that we met
Wishing we could take back the things we said
Were we hoping for something more
Things we knew we could never have

*this verse has a second usage of "something more" as the end of the line. You might want to try and find another way of saying it.

Were we wrong to say I love you
Do we still want to be part of each other's lives
Were we wrong to say I love you
Do we feel lost without goodbye

Were we wrong to say I love you

*Hmmm. I like the passion in it, and I can tell it’s a very sincere poem. This has an unusual structure. The repeating lines give it rhythm, and the way you alternate the verses with the repeating lines make it structured like a song. I think rhyming would have worked well in this poem, given the rhythm built into the structure. Also, the poem kind of repeats itself. There’s no sense of build and payoff, each verse gives off a uniform feeling. If you feel comfortable making this poem about "finality" perhaps saying "we were wrong to say I love you" might be a more powerful way to end it rather than just repeating the line you opened with and you’ve said six times before.

Did You Think Of Me
by Wicked-N-Erotic ©

Did you think of me today
While you were busy with your life
Did you think of things you'd like to say
Does my voice cut through your memory like a knife
Did you think of me when you heard a certain song
Do you think of me when your day seems too long

Did you think of me today
Did you have the urge to call
Did you see my face when you lied alone in bed
Have you thought of me at all

*you probably want to reconsider ending this verse with basically the same line you end the poem with. Also, these lines are set up like the first four lines. That’s works. But where are the next two lines? And I think "lied" should be "lay" maybe. I don’t know … "you lied alone in bed with me" is a seed for a whole ‘nother poem!

Did you think of me today
Did I creep into your mind
When you look at someone else is it me that you find
Did you think of me today
Do you think of me at all

*and this verse is kinda structured like the above verses, but not really. If you’re gonna rhyme, it’s going to take a bit of work to make sure it goes throughout the entire poem. Rhyming is tricky, as you probably have already learned!

 

[lickmyboot]

Welcome to Lit WNE!

I would have to agree that these poems read like song lyrics to me. It would have helped me to see some question marks in your first poem "Were We Wrong". I like SAS's idea of saving the kicker to the end rather than repeating the same line--maybe altering the title so it's a little more mysterious. (Don't spill the beans 'til the end.) One of the experts of the board had an awesome poem about x-lover's new girlfriend firstime lesbian hot wet sex. With a major twist. I can't find it now or remember the name, but the twist was AWESOME. Anyway, I'm sure the poet will read this and come forward (JUDO? I could have sworn it was you.) and give you a link.

Back to your poems. "Did You Think of Me" has a kind of awkward rhyme structure. (Which may have been completely intentional.) There are others on this baord who can rhyme like mad, I'm not one of them, but I patterned out your rhyme scheme and it seems to be thus:
A
B
A
B
C
C

A
B
C
B

A
B
B
A
C

I really liked the first verse's scheme. You may want to adjust the rest of the poem to flow like that. I think you're on the right track here and I can't wait to read more!

 

[Rybka]

christcat69 - Hello?

Don't listen to her. She has social problems....constantly has her foot in her mouth. I think your poetry is lovely. It comes from the heart. Keep writing and don't let anyone put you down like that.

quote:
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No one, not even Rybka, is righteous.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who set your tail on fire? I responded honestly to a request for feedback. I gave honest and constructive criticism, and encouraged Wicked-N-Erotic to keep working. I don't understand your "don't let anyone put you down like that". I was not putting anybody down, and I will ignore your "ad hominum". However, I would like to know where your quote about me came from. I must have missed it.

Regards, Rybka

How do you know the gender of a reba?

 

[HomerPindar]

Re: christcat69 - Hello?

Who set your tail on fire? I responded honestly to a request for feedback. I gave honest and constructive criticism, and encouraged Wicked-N-Erotic to keep working. I don't understand your "don't let anyone put you down like that". I was not putting anybody down, and I will ignore your "ad hominum". However, I would like to know where your quote about me came from. I must have missed it.

Regards, Rybka

How do you know the gender of a reba?

Actually, I was wondering how she knew you had feet.

HomerPindar