Feedback please,this will turn you on

HardCockHunk

Virgin
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Sep 3, 2004
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Hey the following is just the beginning part of my first story for literotica, it needs editing and finishing, but please give me some feedback on it, i wouldnt say it was well structured to be honest but the sexual action and graphic description make me hard neway,ha!!!so tell me wot u think please:


Miss. Hart was up early; this was always the case when she had a student coming round. Every Saturday she taught piano lessons to students from the nearby boys boarding school and college.
This morning she was dressed in black silk blouse, yellow knee length skirt, peach coloured stockings and navy blue high heels. Although she was in her mid-thirties Ruby Hart was a good-looking woman, her tanned skin matched well with her dark brown hair that was usually tied back in a bun. She wore thin spectacles. She looked like one of those sexy secretary sluts that you see on the internet.
Ruby went upstairs and took her dildo from under her pillow, it was 8 inches long, and looked very realistic, that’s what she liked about it, pretending it was a real cock, even though she knew nothing could beat the real thing. Ruby was just starting to suck the head of the dildo when there was a knock at the door. It was Sam and Peter the boys from the boarding school.
Sam was 18, he was a tall boy and was slightly on the chubby side, he had untidy ginger hair, and wore glasses.
Peter was also 18, he was shorter than Sam and had a skinny frame, he also wore glasses and had long brown hair.
Ruby felt a rush of excitement; she was going to fuck these two geeks.
“Hi Miss” Sam stuttered as he looked her up and down
“Hey” said Peter and as he spoke she saw his erection grow under his trousers.
“Hi boys, sit down make yourself at home, I’m just going to get the piano stool and our lesson can begin,”

*******************

“Right boys, that was an excellent lesson, just one thing Sam, the way you sit at the stool does not give you optimum comfort for when your playing, let’s see, I should be able to fix that for you,” Ruby walked over to were he was sitting, she gently put a hand on his back for him to shuffle up, she sat behind the boy with one leg on either side of his, he began to run his hand up and down her thigh, they felt so smooth with those sexy stockings on. On the sofa Peter saw these events unfold and began ripping his clothes off, he told his friend to do the same and in seconds both boys were naked.
Ruby got up of the stool and walked over to the two boys, their cocks were both about 7 inches long, not bad for teenagers she thought. She placed a thumb and a forefinger above and below each of the boys cock heads, the felt great, hard and smooth just the way she liked it. Ruby dropped to her knees and ripped off her clothes, all she left was the high heels which turned her on immensely. Her hands rubbed up and down the two man poles that where in her face, she took Peters cock and began rubbing it all over her face and sucking his shaft. Sam took his member out of her hands and moved up to her face also, both boys slowly slid their cocks into their piano teachers mouth, her lips felt soft and smooth against there shiny cock heads, and she felt like such a slut taking these two rods in her mouth at the same time! Her hands stroked up and down their shafts as her tongue explored to two fat cock heads that were barely a millimetre apart in her mouth. Peter looked at Sam and felt very turned on that this woman was such a slut and that he could fuck her and also get pleasure from seeing her fucked at the same time by another man. The big sticks in her mouth felt soooo good, and it wasn’t long before she felt them pulsating and hot warm cum filled her mouth, it tasted so good and as they were cumming the boys withdrew so Ruby also had cum all over her glasses and face, she felt like a fucking slut and couldn’t wait till her pussy was pounded.
Sam lifted the petite woman on to his lap, he grabbed his large dick and slowly slid it into Miss Hart’s warm smooth pussy from behind, it felt great and the feeling as his cock rubbed against her cunt walls made him moan in pleasure. As his cock was stuffing Ruby’s tight cunt he slid her up and down on it, every so often his balls touched her pussy lips and this sent waves of excitement through both of their bodies, when his cock came out of her pussy when he was sliding it in and out of her she would run her fingers from the middle of the shaft down to the balls and apply a little pressure so she could feel his cock bulging inside of her.
 
Since you have asked for feedback I will tell you what I think.
I do not wish to be cruel to you, but it is not much of a story, the grammar and spelling leave a lot to be desired and the writing is uninspired to say the least.
Let me give you a few examples.

You wrote
‘Sam was 18, he was a tall boy and was slightly on the chubby side, he had untidy ginger hair, and wore glasses.
Peter was also 18, he was shorter than Sam and had a skinny frame, he also wore glasses and had long brown hair.’ Despite the fact that you have changed the word order, this is very repetitive.
This is another way of saying the same thing
‘Both boys were eighteen (you should write the word rather than the number) and both wore glasses. Sam was taller and slightly chubbier than Peter, who was bordering on skinny. Sam’s ginger hair was untidy, in direct contrast to his friend’s long brown locks’.

You wrote
‘Ruby dropped to her knees and ripped off her clothes, all she left was the high heels which turned her on immensely. Her hands rubbed up and down the two man poles that where in her face, she took Peters cock and began rubbing it all over her face and sucking his shaft. Sam took his member out of her hands and moved up to her face also, both boys slowly slid their cocks into their piano teachers mouth, her lips felt soft and smooth against there shiny cock heads, and she felt like such a slut taking these two rods in her mouth at the same time!’



How could she drop to her knees and rip off her clothes? How could she remove her panties if she was on her knees? It is conceivable that she could rip off her clothes and then drop to her knees.

I am sorry to say that the remainder of this section is truly awful prose, littered with spelling mistakes, repetition and poor grammar. I honestly don’t know where to start. The two man poles (this is ghastly!) were (not where) in her face (full stop) She took Peter’s (not Peters) cock… You have repeated ‘her face’ three times in quick succession. The last sentence should have been broken down into three sentences; it should have been the ‘piano teacher’s mouth and it should have been ‘their’ not ‘there’ shiny cock heads.
I could go on but I think these examples will suffice.


As you said on your post it needs editing and finishing. It is far better if you get it into shape before you submit it for feedback. Any criticism will then be constructive because it is likely to draw your attention to points that you have overlooked.
I hope this is of help.

Octavian
 
Hi HCH, enthusiam is always good! Welcome to Lit. :kiss:

Pssst! Always allow for the ardour to wear off, maybe a day or two, then re-read it and edit where necessary. It's a common thing we have all suffered from time to time in perfecting our art!
:rose:
 
Needs a lot.

Showing a woman as needing sex is good, IF well done. Somhow I doubt that women get off on sucking dildos.

And saying "This will get you hard" is just aksing for trouble
 
HCH

I realise, having reread my comments that I may have been a bit too hard on you, and have not taken into account that this may well have been the first story you have posted on Literotica.

Wishfulthinking is right, both to acknowledge your enthusiasm and also to welcome you to the Forum. She also gave you some really good advice, namely to wait a while before you submit something for publication.

We have all written something that we immediately wanted to share with the world at large. However after rereading it in the cold light of day, most of us are glad that we did not. It’s a bit like that comment you made after you’d had a few drinks, and which the following morning when you are sober, causes you to hold your head in your hands.

Carry on writing but read some of the other stories here, ideally some of those on the top lists, to see how other writers put words together. You will also find some useful guides about grammar too. I know it might be a boring subject but many readers will back click at poor grammar, irrespective of the story’s merits.

Octavian
 
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