Feedback Please - Play Me Like You Mean It

[269Thalia]

Ahoy All -

Just posted Ch 2 of above title, would like some feedback. Do you want to keep reading, know more? Get you off? Turn you on? LOL

http://www.literotica.com/s/play-me-like-you-mean-it-ch-02

Thanks so much,

Thal

 

[MaxSebastian]

I enjoyed the story quite a bit, I certainly think you should continue. I like the complexities of the two characters, their chemistry and conflict, although you haven't quite done them justice as I'll explain in a moment. I also really liked the setting, though you could certainly have more of it in the first part.

Some things bugged me, though. Firstly the lead character names - Crag seemed like a misspelling of 'Craig' (that may be just a personal thing!) while calling the female protagonist Thalia, like your author name, made me wonder if this was a true story or a personal fantasy, both of which undermine the story in my opinion. Not much you can do about character names now, though.

I think the biggest thing for me seemed to be an almost complete lack of interior monologue - you gave us a very visual story, with description and dialogue and very little insight into what these characters are thinking and feeling. Added to your switching of POVs an it made me feel a little detached from it all.

You don't want to overdo interior monologue, of course, and you don't want to bog down the pace or start patronizing the reader by explaining things too much, but I think you could do with a little more.

I thought, for example, that it wasn't clear why your lead characters did certain thing and acted certain ways, and more of their thoughts could have helped. Crag seemed nice and very caring, but then seemed to suddenly snap, and become the opposite. I know the dominance was part of the whole kink, but the sudden transformation didn't seem real.

But, I enjoyed it, it was pretty hot where you allowed it, so you should certainly continue in my view

 

[269Thalia]

Thank you Max

Hey, I appreciated your notes, most were right on. I guesss I have stuff to work on. Which is the whole point of asking.

I did put out another chapter, here 'tis if you'd like to check it out.

Yours,

Thal

http://www.literotica.com/s/play-me-like-you-mean-it-ch-03

 

[fgjipur]

The new machine is online now and should actually be faster than the old one.

Please let us know if you notice any problems since the upgrade.

Thanks!


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Gafas Oakley Baratas

 

[MaxSebastian]

I guesss I have stuff to work on.

Don't we all

Enjoyed the third chapter v. much - sizzling. Not sure about the OMG and "bayybeeeeeeeee"kind of dialog though, but that may just be a style point.

 

[269Thalia]

Heya - chapters 4 and 5 are out, anybody following? Would like your observations on development so far.

Thanks,

Thali -

 

[Angela_Leibach]

I'll start by saying that this is not the sort of story I usually go for, so I can't really judge it on its erotic appeal, but there are a few minor errors and style points I picked up on:

Three faces at the table look at her in wild surmise

Should that be 'surprise'?

why Crag wears a ladies' pink bikini bottom.

Use the continuous past rather than the simple past here - i.e "is wearing a ladies' pink bikini bottom". Simple past ("wears") doesn't usually work when you're talking about a specific instance (although there are exceptions, as with everything).

"Okay," Crag says, "but how will you feel if someone besides little you comes in first."

Should probably be a question mark at the end of the sentence.

Little errors like this make me think you should enlist an editor. However, I will say that you have quite a distinctive style. While the below paragraph needs a bit of polishing (my suggestions are in bold), it presents a good example of your unusual and appealing turn of phrase.

In the morning light he wakes with a face full of yellow hair. She sleeps on her side, her breathing slow. Hugging her back, Crag's hand cups her breast. Her soft bottom (maybe use a different word here?) cradles his erection. After locking herself in her room for two days, she'd come to Crag's bed soft in the night.

 

[269Thalia]

Thank you for reading the chapter.

Surmise, vt: To infer (something) without sufficiently conclusive evidence. v.intr. To make a guess or conjecture. n. An idea or opinion ...

Simple past... I avoid -ing in my style wherever possible. It is simple present.

I avoided the words you added to keep it unusual and tight. And to keep the reader thinking. If there are two people in the bed of opposite sexes and his hand cups a breast, it is [fill in the blank] _____ breast.

 

[Angela_Leibach]

Thank you for reading the chapter.

Surmise, vt: To infer (something) without sufficiently conclusive evidence. v.intr. To make a guess or conjecture. n. An idea or opinion ...

Ah, so you did mean that! I will say that surmise is a pretty unusual word to use in that way; you might want to use a word that looks less like 'surprise' to prevent confusion. (Speculation? Conjecture?)

Simple past... I avoid -ing in my style wherever possible. It is simple present.

Whoops, sorry, I meant present. My suggestion hasn't changed, however; while avoiding gerunds is generally a good thing, the use of 'wears' rather than 'wearing' is jarring here. It draws attention to itself too much.

I avoided the words you added to keep it unusual and tight. And to keep the reader thinking. If there are two people in the bed of opposite sexes and his hand cups a breast, it is [fill in the blank] _____ breast.

There's unusual, and there's clumsy. Distinctive style is good, but at the end of the day, you don't want it to alienate your reader from the eroticism. "A" breast sounds weirdly disembodied in this circumstance, and a little offputting. YMMV.

 

[269Thalia]

Thanks for your reply Angela

I get what you are saying. You feel that certain things about my style upset the flow of reading... I pay a lot of attention to that. As my dad used to say, "If you like what you're doing, you're probably doing it wrong." LOL

I actually have forgotten my book learning about grammar, parts of speech, etc. and just enjoy playing with words. And emotions. I do hope that some part of what I do appeals to you. My goal is to immerse the reader in the hearts of the characters and the heat of the action.

Best,

Thali