Feedback Please on new story

[Chantal Marchon]

My new story is linked below.

Nothing an unsuspecting reader might find offensive, but could really use some feedback. It isn't scoring quite as well as my other stories and I am wondering why-- only has a 4.14-

Thanks for your help.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=41990

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Chantel,

For me, the biggest problem with your story was the lack of tension. The opening hook was clever, but after that it almost read like an excerpt from a "How to Love a Woman" article.

Another problem was the characters. The guy was both faceless and smooth as a peeled onion effortlessly moving into a situation that would intimidate most men and make the rest at least a little nervous.

The gal was just as one dimensional. Rich, young, beautiful, and bored. The obvious but unanswered question would seem to be, why is a woman like that paying to get laid?

And Chantel, if you get a chance, give me some feedback on my new story at http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=41555

My vote's okay (4.42) but there's only been 12 with one anno response and no input on this site. Kinda makes you feel lonely doesn't it?

Hope some of this helps.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Fairytat]

Chantal,

You definitely have the technical skills of a writer down pat, you just need to engender a sense of emotion in the reader. I felt absolutely nothing for either character as they were so one dimensional. You have a really innovative idea for an erotic story but I agree with Rumple that it felt like you were writing a guide to pleasuring women. I like stories with only one point of view but in this case, I felt like the guy was really a narrator telling you the action rather then living it.

Here are a few other things that bugged me while reading your story:

"Hey, no problem." I get calls like this all the time." --- You put in a " before he finished speaking.

"I aim to please, Mam." --- It's spelled "ma'am."

"I positioned myself behind her and separated her cheeks. Pushing my cock into her wet cleft firmly. She was so tight and hot. Her pussy clutched around me with a strong grip" --- staccato sentences are distracting as it takes one out of the action. I felt like you were writing a list of things for the man to do/feel.

 

[jacqui4u2]

read your story and had to stop in the middle and.... well you know. i rated it a 5.

 

[Belilica]

Feedback

It was pretty good, but there was something that bothered me about it... The fact that the main character was supposed to be a gigolo, but no kind of STD prevention was used for euther oral or intercourse. I did like it, but I just couldn't get over that. One comment on mechanics: at the end, satisfaction and satisfied are too close together. I liked your writing style, and will definitely look for more.

Bel

 

[Chantal Marchon]

I want to thank all of you for taking the time to review my story. I haven't done a rewrite on it. So it is still a bit rough. Thanks for the suggestions.