Feedback Please -- On my latest story

[writelove]

I would love feedback on my latest story -- Knight of Dawn. Please let me know if it flows well, if your interest is maintained.

And most importantly I would like to receive any helpful suggestions for improvement.

Regardless whether you love or hate it, please vote. I always have my own opinion of my work. Yet your opinion is quite valuable to me.

Thanks in advance.

Just click on the following: Knight of Dawn

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I got as far as the fourth paragraph and stopped reading.

 

[writelove]

helpful

Dark,

So you couldn't read past the fourth para. I guess that is feedback. Frankly, I was hoping for something a bit more helpful. Is it a problem with articulating it? Are you struggling with the words? Sometimes feedback itself can be a challenge.

Was it the grammar? The topic? Boring? Disgusting?

Any details? I would assume that it isn't merely a short attention span. There must be something that bothered you. I was hoping you of all people would give it a bit more of a read.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Dark,

So you couldn't read past the fourth para. I guess that is feedback. Frankly, I was hoping for something a bit more helpful. Is it a problem with articulating it? Are you struggling with the words? Sometimes feedback itself can be a challenge.

Was it the grammar? The topic? Boring? Disgusting?

Any details? I would assume that it isn't merely a short attention span. There must be something that bothered you. I was hoping you of all people would give it a bit more of a read.

It seemed like a wasted effort. I didn't want to read about someone defecating and urinating in their armor.

 

[_Lynn_]

I read further than drk did, to be fair to you. So here goes.

Please let me know if it flows well, if your interest is maintained. And most importantly I would like to receive any helpful suggestions for improvement.

My interest was never held, so no it wasn't maintained. Why you chose to talk about peeing in the beginning is beyond me. You should grab the reader in the start by something strong and bold not strong odor.

Erotic Couplings is your chosen category, so I would expect a couple dating, a married couple, etc. I wouldn't think a team and body fluids.

Suggestions for improvement.....write something that has heat, passion, and energy to it, characters with depth and feeling, a story with a plot. Don't begin telling us about peeing and defecating and smell.

My opinion only. ML

 

[Varian P]

I would love feedback on my latest story -- Knight of Dawn. Please let me know if it flows well, if your interest is maintained.

And most importantly I would like to receive any helpful suggestions for improvement.

Your prose is technically fine--you have a good command of language and render a lot of strong imagery.

However, right off the narrative voice rings false, to the point that I was distracted. How educated were knights? Does this character really think in terms of "removal of bodily wastes" and "urination"? Even "clitoris" for that matter? I don't know the answer, myself. Perhaps knights were more eloquent and more educated than I imagine, but as I read I felt I was hearing the author, not the narrator.

On the other hand, you use a lot of contemporary phraseology that seems unlikely to have been in the vernacular during the era of your tale, such as "all the other stuff." The phrases, "Those of us with the older models..." and "Sometimes it took years for replacement parts," makes it seem like the narrator's discussing fixing up his old Chevy, while "I was in the best shape of my career," sounds like a baseball player giving an interview on TV.

My overarching point, here, is that your story will be much more engaging if your narrator has a distinctive, believable voice that draws us out of our world, into his.

I have mixed feelings about the opening. It's a brave risk, and I appreciate being confronted with an aspect of knighthood I hadn't ever thought about, but I'm not sure it doesn't do a disservice to your story as a whole. We get a few paragraphs about how the knight is stuck shitting and pissing himself all day, about how the stench is so awful he can hardly bear it, and within a few paragraphs we're meant to get caught up in his erotic encounter. It's a hard shift to make.

As for the flow of the rest of the story...well, first we get the harsh reality of the knight stewing in his own excrement, followed closely by the unlikely good fortune of having a royal beauty offering herself to him out of the blue. It's a sudden and difficult shift, as I already mentioned. The next transition is even harder. We have to recall that the encounter with the princess was a flashback, and suddenly we're back with the knight as he's confronted by an opponent. It took me some effort to piece that back together. And then, the day after that unexpected good fortune with the princess, the knight's getting lucky again with hot knight chick (though I thought the transition from their fight to their sex worked fine). Do the encounters need to happen less than a day apart? It would be far easier to suspend disbelief if his flashback is to an encounter a month earlier, and I think you'd achieve the same sense of why one woman is right for him, while the other is not.

I think a lot of the fundamentals of the story work: the encounters themselves are erotic, and I like how you play the two different women off each other, revealing what is important to the main character in a partner. And you do have a talent for language.

I hope some of that's helpful.

 

[jomar]

Other folks have said it better than I could (confusing low ans such), so I wanted to give some specific nit-picky things that I stumbled over for you to consider.

I like the idea of the realities of wearing armor, but it would have been more interesting if you had dribbled out the info, or had knights telling telling stories and trying to top each other's gag factor.

Shiny maybe, but if the armor was old and been in battles, wouldn't it be dented?

The first sex scene: On a quick read I didn't get it was a flashback and I thought, "the knight was in his armor - how can he screw the royal lady?"

I know you meant quicken as in the "penis comes alive," but it jolted me.

And this - My tongue wrapped itself around the hairs between her legs. - made me think she needs to braid her pubic hair.

If the knight was such a good warrior, he should have kicked the woman's ass - by simply overpowering her if nothing else.

And more of the same. For the most part it seemed devoid of emotion for me. I really like the concept, though. I've enjoyed the Grail Quest series and especially the Saxon series books by Bernard Cornwell. His tone is almost melancholy. Anyway, I just mention him because your writing in the same arena, but with sex. You might enjoy his work.

Keep at it. You've got a good idea.

 

[starrkers]

I didn't read it all - stopped after a dozen or so pars. There was nothing to hold my interest at that point.
A total stranger has introduced himself to me by talking about bodily waste. I know nothing about him except his trouble with toileting and scratching in armour prone to rust. At this point in our relationship that seriously sits in the Too Much Information category.
And then he says he's not having any of that trouble today - so why introduce him this way?

 

[writelove]

Appreciate the feedback

I truly appreciate all of your feedback, much of it was well intentioned and helpful.

Mistess Lynn -- I often don't write for a category and then when I am done, I don't know where to put it. I actually started trying for a sort of dark humor but couldn't pull it off so changed things somewhat.

Jomar -- I appreciate all your detailed comments, good ideas for the most part. I think it is difficult to pull off a flashback and I could have done better. Often it is more a distraction than anything else. It felt right at the time and I didn't want to change it later, thought it might work, apparently not.

Varian -- You picked up on the inconsistency of the language. I tried to add a flavor of what I envisioned the old style language to be with such phases as "liege lord." Yet I thought I would stick some modern wording in as well to make it seem more real. I need to think some more about your thoughts regarding this. Someone else mentioned this to me before I submitted the story. I did not listen to her.

I experiment, try different things. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. My idea here was to react to all the stories and TV shows that are always so perfect and clean. Life is gritty and yes people do have problems with things like eliminating waste. I wish I could have made the results funny.

I would bet that even in the dark side of your twin moons, you will find a bit of the disgusting. That is actually as real as anything. Maybe it doesn't capture every readers interest, but it was what I wanted to say, what flowed out of me. And as you may have noticed from the story, the disgusting and the passionate can co-exist.

Ever since I saw the way this site trashed a brilliant piece of work by fcdc, I realized what most of the readers and writers wanted here. I don't need to say what it is. All I can say is that I enjoyed writing Knight of Dawn. I have another story coming up that is not erotic. I am not sure if it is a cliche, certainly the vision comes from something well known, a factual event that I use as a focus.

 

[tickledkitty]

I think you're missing the point here.

You ask people for their opinions on your work and then when they are kind enough to take the time to read your story and give you their honest comments, you come right back and try to defend yourself? You mentioned fcdc. Isn't that what she did as well? I don't think her "brilliant" story was trashed as much as that attitude was. If it was so brilliant, why didn't anybody else think so?

The idea in this forum is to take the comments that are offered, think about them in an objective way, and apply them to your work as you see fit. There's no need to explain yourself or try to defend your position. Nobody is attacking you. They're simply offering their opinions on what might make your story better. If you disagree with their comments, simply thank them and move on.

Without having read your story and judging from the comments that have been offered, my opinion is that people reading erotica are looking for fantasy. They don't want the kind of reality behind bodily waste. We all have that in our every day lives.

 

[Varian P]

I experiment, try different things. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. My idea here was to react to all the stories and TV shows that are always so perfect and clean. Life is gritty and yes people do have problems with things like eliminating waste. I wish I could have made the results funny.

Probably the thing I struggle with most in my writing, or, rather, which I'm utterly unable to achieve, is writing humor. I think it may be the most difficult kind of writing there is.

As for your goal of going against the grain and creating something that deals with the dirtier realities of life, rather than another artificially 'clean' bit of entertainment, I totally applaud that (in one of my erotic novels, the main character gets a double mastectomy half-way through the story).

But every time you remind us of those realities, whether they be bodily waste or erectile dysfunction or genital warts or a painful eye infection, it means two things (that I can think of): first, you'll lose every single potential reader who is only interested in an escapist erotic fantasy (the people who've read that story of mine have voted very kindly, but, unsurprisingly, it's not a widely read piece), and second, if you want to hold the interest of the few people willing to take the grit with the hot sex, you'll have to work harder to craft an excellent story.

Obviously, it can be done. I think it's Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller that opens with the narrator discovering the bed he's in is riddled with lice, and now he's crawling with them.

 

[jomar]

I truly appreciate all of your feedback, much of it was well intentioned and helpful.

Ever since I saw the way this site trashed a brilliant piece of work by fcdc, I realized what most of the readers and writers wanted here.

You're welcome.

And about fcdc's Chicago story, the Lit editors liked it enough to give it a green E. But I think the feedback she got on this thread made a some really good points. Also, one person had given essentially the same feedback on a different site where fcdc submitted the story (where'd she go, btw?).

What I think readers here want is to care about the characters and have them do believable things given their emotions and tension between them. Then have them screw.

Without having read your story and judging from the comments that have been offered, my opinion is that people reading erotica are looking for fantasy. They don't want the kind of reality behind bodily waste. We all have that in our every day lives.

I really wouldn't have minded the reality of the waste if it had been done differently. (Dirtiest Jobs TMA style - Cleaning the knights armor).

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I have tried on several occasions to read the story. I just can't, but for reasons different than the others. You wrote -

The most obvious frustration involved the removal of bodily wastes. Urination was the most frequent problem. Rarely did I have time to remove the breastplate and pelvic armor before nature provided an immediate and yet unpleasant solution.

Everytime I stumbled over those two sentences because they are typical of the research that has gone into this piece.

You are imagining a full body plate armor. That is not the way Knights during the dark ages fought. They fought in a chain mail coat and skull cap. A lord might have a shield, or not. And he may have worn a breast plate. None of these would have interfiered with his defication or urination.

Writing historic fiction is a lot harder than most other forms. You haven't given it the research it needs to make it real. Instead you've fallen back on the 1950's Hollywood version of reality that really belongs in a fairytale book, not serious fiction.

 

[Varian P]

And about fcdc's Chicago story, the Lit editors liked it enough to give it a green E. But I think the feedback she got on this thread made a some really good points. Also, one person had given essentially the same feedback on a different site where fcdc submitted the story (where'd she go, btw?).

Along with many others, I offered feedback fcdc solicited on several different pieces of writing (though not on "Welcome to Prague"). In my subjective opinion, fcdc is a phenominally talented writer aboslutely seething with potential. But (unless something worse happened, which I hope isn't the case) it looks as though she got so bent out of shape by the discussion in the "Welcome to Prague" thread that she left the site without even bothering to acknowledge several substantive crits she solicited in the Story Discussion Circle. Extremely poor form, IMO, and it doesn't bode well for her improving in a craft where she could do amazing things.

Not all critical feedback is 'correct' or even necessarily helpful. And often times, those of us offering feedback could do so more gracefully than we do. But one of the tough aspects of improving as a writer, I think, is learning to hear feedback, good and bad, responding graciously so those people will be willing to give their impressions next time we need them, and then decide what was actually of use, and apply it as best we can.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I found your opening line to be completely unrealistic. Knighthood was a way of life, blacksmith or baker is an occupation.

Fighting was never the most difficult part of my life. Sure it had danger -- the possibility of painful death. Yet I was an excellent swordsman and danger was the spice and joy of my occupation.

How could his amor be free of scrapes and dents if he had just participated in a tournament?

Not even taking into consideration that you have placed your story at the time of the crusades, a few hundred years before the zenith of armor manufacturing, there were two types of plate armor. A lighter and more manuverable set for battle, and a heavier, bulkier set for jousting.

Uh, isn't having your helmet clanking about seem rather silly? Somehow I imagine it would be rather uncomfortable having it clattering about.

Fortunately, the helmet was only required during an actual fight. The rest of the time I tore it off to dangle by crimson sash from my shoulder.


I found this line just plain unbelievable, I had visions of a man waiting for parts for his '53 Desoto. I would imagine that any "replacement parts" would have been taken care of by a blacksmith, and not by the 12th Century version of NAPA auto parts.

Sometimes it took years for replacement parts

This also struck me as unrealistic. It's highly doubtful that a knight would go riding around dressed for battle for no apparent reason. And I'm confused, the other knight's sword is glistening in the fading light, and in the next paragraph the sun is bright?

One time I was riding high on my stallion when a small tickling sensation arose in my back. It was just a small feeling but of such an annoyance I could think of little else all day. I would have immediately torn off my breastplate, shoulder protections and mail coat, but at that exact moment a knight stood in front of me, his sword glistening in the fading light.

Today I felt none of these things. The sun was bright, my armor while never shiny was clean.

This next quote reads like something out of a B Hollywood movie from the 1950's. What were his more immediate concerns?

Some time later unsure of the time, I shook my head to clear it of sleep. I studied the woman beside me, my thoughts on how different we were. Her station in life was so much higher than my own. She thought herself better than I. It was something that I could not accept and with the passion gone, this stared me straight in my face. I had no desire to fight for her, carry her ribbon on my shield. I had more immediate concerns.

Career? You sound like a hocky player. Where did he get the lance from? I can't see him riding about carrying a lance. I don't think the lance was ever used as a weapon of war. Later on, in the 19th Century, there were regiments of lightly armed horseman, armed with "lances". The most famous of which was immortalized in Tennyson's "Charge of the Light Brigade" at Balaklava.

I was in the best shape of my career, armor in perfect order, a well-trained horse, even a bath late into the evening. I flexed my muscles, feeling the blood flood into my fighting arm. It held a lance at the moment, certain to be replaced shortly with my blade, Blue Sapphire.

This is totally unbelievable. A woman in arms? Heresy. Remember Joan of Arc? There was no "Right to bear arms", a person could be put to death for simply posessing arms.

And he did. As the helmet slipped over his head, golden locks of hair fell around his shoulders. That was when I made an important discovery."You, you, you're a woman." My mouth was open, jaw slack. If she had possessed a weapon, I would have been a dead knight, I was so shocked.

Now to the rest of you comments.

No one trashed FCDC's story, it was her attitude as TK pointed out above. She had glaring errors in her piece that she refused to acknowledge.

Your story is not gritty. You put a couple of paragraphs in about him soiling himself, and a couple of lackluster sex scenes. That's about the extent of your story. If you want to read gritty, I suggest you check out VarianP's "Hurt", or "After".

I'm all for trying something new in writing. However, I didn't see anything "new" in you piece.

 

[writelove]

Thanks for some good responses

Thanks again for some additonal and helpful responses. I will try to provide feedback accordingly.

TickledKitty

I think you're missing the point here.

You ask people for their opinions on your work and then when they are kind enough to take the time to read your story and give you their honest comments, you come right back and try to defend yourself?

I am actually not trying to defend myself. I do not feel threatened or particularly attacked. I have thought most of the feedback extremely good. I am sorry if I came off that way.

My only frustrations were the comments by Dark that he read 4 paragraphs and couldn't finish. I frankly don't see this as much in the way of feedback, no details. It seemed lazy to me. I think there is an art and skill in critiquing something as in writing the original work. I was trying to encourage (in perhaps a sarcastic way I will admit) better feedback on this site. I now see that he has provided more feedback and I am delighted at that. I don't mind the most scathing feedback as long as I have the freedom to respond and if the feedback attempts to be worthwhile.

Varian -- Again thanks for your feedback. Yes, I suck at humor. My goal is to try to write a humorous story for this site. Back to the drawingboard.

Jenny Jackson -- Thanks for your comments. You are right. I probably could have done more on the history of knights, that sort of thing. However, this story is actually an alternative universe piece, set in a world called Kaligala. I figured that this would give me the freedom to dabble in history but then throw in a few modern terms and thoughts as well. I did not want to be restricted and yes, there may have been a bit of laziness on my part regarding historical accuracy and research. Perhaps I should have put this story in the Sci Fi section.

Dark -- Thanks for giving me some detailed criticism. You have many good points. I will work through them. Frankly I love the creative burst and heady wonder of writing so the detailed work of editing sometimes does not get the effort that is needed. You give good critiques.

About FCDC I am actually somewhat new at this site, so I am speaking as a newby. FCDC was also new, so perhaps some leniency could have been given her in the feedback. I guess the results are what is important. I would like to have more writing from her on this site. And now I am denied that. I believe that feedback needs to be constructive, to help someone or even encourage a writer in the craft.

I have seen the following kinds of feedback on this site

- A snarl because someone has broken a precious rule such as putting the wrong kind of post on this thread.
- The game between scouries and some sort of clique that loves each other. This is all his game to get views and everyone has a gas at playing it.
- A high fiving of long time members of this site who love each others work, yet don't actually give specific and detailed feedback to each other.
- Vague criticism without details.
- Excellent detailed feedback.

 

[Varian P]

About FCDC I am actually somewhat new at this site, so I am speaking as a newby. FCDC was also new, so perhaps some leniency could have been given her in the feedback. I guess the results are what is important. I would like to have more writing from her on this site. And now I am denied that. I believe that feedback needs to be constructive, to help someone or even encourage a writer in the craft.

I have seen the following kinds of feedback on this site

- A snarl because someone has broken a precious rule such as putting the wrong kind of post on this thread.
- The game between scouries and some sort of clique that loves each other. This is all his game to get views and everyone has a gas at playing it.
- A high fiving of long time members of this site who love each others work, yet don't actually give specific and detailed feedback to each other.
- Vague criticism without details.
- Excellent detailed feedback.

It's actually occurred to me to start a "Critique the Critiques" thread. I always set out with a goal of providing one or two salient points of praise and criticism for each piece, but then just get so excited hearing myself talk...

 

[Varian P]

About FCDC I am actually somewhat new at this site, so I am speaking as a newby. FCDC was also new, so perhaps some leniency could have been given her in the feedback. I guess the results are what is important. I would like to have more writing from her on this site. And now I am denied that. I believe that feedback needs to be constructive, to help someone or even encourage a writer in the craft.

I was really disappointed to see her go, too. Like I said before, I think her writing is exceptional, and she also offered up insightful critiques of others work. It was pretty f-ing exciting to see a new face that had those two qualities going for her. Plus she was just fun in the forums. Shame.

 

[starrkers]

I was really disappointed to see her go, too. Like I said before, I think her writing is exceptional, and she also offered up insightful critiques of others work. It was pretty f-ing exciting to see a new face that had those two qualities going for her. Plus she was just fun in the forums. Shame.

Sadly, it appears fcdc was good at giving constructive criticism, but unable to accept it. I miss her around here too.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Thanks again for some additonal and helpful responses. I will try to provide feedback accordingly.

TickledKitty

I am actually not trying to defend myself. I do not feel threatened or particularly attacked. I have thought most of the feedback extremely good. I am sorry if I came off that way.

My only frustrations were the comments by Dark that he read 4 paragraphs and couldn't finish. I frankly don't see this as much in the way of feedback, no details. It seemed lazy to me.

Dark -- Thanks for giving me some detailed criticism. You have many good points. I will work through them. Frankly I love the creative burst and heady wonder of writing so the detailed work of editing sometimes does not get the effort that is needed. You give good critiques.

I have seen the following kinds of feedback on this site

- A snarl because someone has broken a precious rule such as putting the wrong kind of post on this thread.
- The game between scouries and some sort of clique that loves each other. This is all his game to get views and everyone has a gas at playing it.
- A high fiving of long time members of this site who love each others work, yet don't actually give specific and detailed feedback to each other.
- Vague criticism without details.
- Excellent detailed feedback.

My reasoning for not reading your story initially is that after the first few paragraphs I simply didn't believe you were serious in what you had submitted. Like most people participating in this forum, I write. Time I spend here takes away from time I could be writing. But, I feel it's my obligation to help out newer writers.

I am only now learning how to critique someone else's work, and offer meaningful feedback. I take what I do here very seriously. I can only hope at some time in the future to be able to offer the level of critique and feedback that VarianP gives.

Most of the snarls about threads being in the wrong forum are done in jest, and should not be taken seriously.

I'm not sure who is high fiving who, I haven't seen it in this forum, and I certainly have never requested any feedback for any of my work.

My suggestion to you is, if you really want detailed feedback and indepth feedback for your work, that you submit it to the Story Discussion Circle.

 

[jomar]

Along with many others, I offered feedback fcdc solicited on several different pieces of writing (though not on "Welcome to Prague"). In my subjective opinion, fcdc is a phenominally talented writer aboslutely seething with potential. But (unless something worse happened, which I hope isn't the case) it looks as though she got so bent out of shape by the discussion in the "Welcome to Prague" thread that she left the site without even bothering to acknowledge several substantive crits she solicited in the Story Discussion Circle. Extremely poor form, IMO, and it doesn't bode well for her improving in a craft where she could do amazing things.

Not all critical feedback is 'correct' or even necessarily helpful. And often times, those of us offering feedback could do so more gracefully than we do. But one of the tough aspects of improving as a writer, I think, is learning to hear feedback, good and bad, responding graciously so those people will be willing to give their impressions next time we need them, and then decide what was actually of use, and apply it as best we can.

I agree with you about fcdc. She made a big splash in a short time here. I picture her as this petite fireball of intensity.

Some of the grace is taken out of critiques simply because it is written, not spoken. Plus, we don't want to take the time needed to be more wordy, so it comes off a pretty blunt at times. People just have to keep in mind that feedback is given in the spirit of helping, not "trolling."

 

[MarshAlien]

I have no idea whether fcdc is coming back to the site or not, but my recollection is that she was going to be out of the country right now.

As for the story, I agree that you're a good technical writer. I particularly liked this paragraph:

She arrived with the swish of silk garments, not like the scarlet dressed hussies who frequented the taverns fat with tournament trade. She wore white, a long flowing gown, that kissed the steps as she descended the staircase.​

And then you ruined it for me with this obsession with bodily functions. This girl is close enough to have spoken with the hero in a voice more like breathing than talking (pretty damn close), and he's lifting up his arm to smell himself. Ick. And I write as one who began his most recent story with a trip to the men's room in a shopping mall. But I didn't dwell ad nauseam (I've never had a better situation for using this phrase) on what was happening there. Gritty realism is one thing; you went a few steps beyond in your opening paragraph. With a different start, you would get a much larger audience - one that would appreciate the talents that you do have.

The love scene lacks credibility. The only thing we know about our hero to this point is that he has a nice shiny suit of armor and he stinks. So why this angel is floating downstairs to cheat on her maybe dead/maybe still alive husband is a complete mystery.

And finally, despite the promise of the story, you never get started on any actual plot. We have an intro, a fuck scene, a fight scene, and another fuck scene. All with people who just appear and then melt into the background. By the end, we just don't care about this guy.

Humor is indeed a very hard thing to write. Jenny's very good at it; take a look at her stuff. But don't try writing it until you practice the actual writing first. Once you've gotten more comfortable with that, you can try out the humor.

 

[tickledkitty]

I agree with you about fcdc. She made a big splash in a short time here. I picture her as this petite fireball of intensity.

Some of the grace is taken out of critiques simply because it is written, not spoken. Plus, we don't want to take the time needed to be more wordy, so it comes off a pretty blunt at times. People just have to keep in mind that feedback is given in the spirit of helping, not "trolling."

Me too. I thought she seemed pretty cool. I also thought she was a good writer. I was surprised that her intensity and presence didn't come through in her writing so much. I was also surprised by her reaction to criticism. But, as you said, it's hard to convey the proper tone in written criticism. It's also hard to take sometimes. Anyway, I hope she comes back.

 

[tickledkitty]

And finally, despite the promise of the story, you never get started on any actual plot. We have an intro, a fuck scene, a fight scene, and another fuck scene. All with people who just appear and then melt into the background. By the end, we just don't care about this guy.

Humor is indeed a very hard thing to write. Jenny's very good at it; take a look at her stuff. But don't try writing it until you practice the actual writing first. Once you've gotten more comfortable with that, you can try out the humor.

Marsh...You give great feedback.

 

[MarshAlien]

Marsh...You give great feedback.

Shhhh. If you keep it up, we're going to have to start a clique.