Feedback PLease For Smallville Stories

[rennie]

Smallville: Alternate Scenes - Bug Boy

Smallville: Alternate Scenes - Shimmer

Smallville:Alternate Scenes - X-ray

Hopefully these links are correct!

Thanks for any feedback.

 

[the_bragis]

Feedback

Hi Rennie,

I do watch 'Smallville' regularly, and I enjoy the show. I thought your idea of alternate episodes was really exciting. I think too you might be answering what a lot of people are secretly wondering, and fantasizing about.

I have just read the first one now. The basic story is hot! You have a good imagination there. I think perhaps you just need to expand your story out more. More juicy details!

I noted the following as I read your story:

He was crouched in the tree by the side of the road his camcorder trained on her bedroom waiting for her to arrive and find his present.

This is good opener, but what present? Sure you don't want to give it all away in the first line, so maybe a little lead up as to why he would want to leave her a present in the first place? How did he sneak it inside to her bedroom? How was he feeling when he was inside her bedroom? Ok that's a stupid question, but we still want details. ~laughing~

The fact was she'd had a long day and was in need of a warm bath and especially a bit of relief after spending the day watching Clark at school which had made her extremely hot.

"The fact was' is superfluous. We all know it's a fact. Actually this paragraph sounded kind of funny to me. I think I would have preferred:

She's had a long day, and was surely now in need a warm bath and especially a little relief since she had spent the day watching Clark.....Do what exactly? Pumping iron in the gym perhaps? Yes, I would like that one.

He watched as hair seemingly poured from within her sweater and fell back around her shoulders

That's a lovely description. Very nice.

She threw the sweater at a laundry basket missing narrowly and as she bent down to pick it up she noticed the present that he had left her though she didn't know who it was from.

Oh boy Rennie, Clark missed a good opportunity here, and so did you. Lana bending over would have made an erotic picture for You, Clark, and the reader.

Again I think I may have worded it differently. She threw the sweater at a laundry basket, missing it narrowly. She noticed the mysterious present and bent down to pick it up. Clark now had a full view of her sweet round ass/ Clark almost dropped his camera in the bushes as he got a full view of her sweet young ass/ Clark's knees went to jelly and his cock went to.......you get the idea?

He watched her closely taking pleasure in seeing ...

This paragraph is good, but too long. It's a hard one to break up I know, but perhaps little beginnings something like : He gasped for breath as she...da da da...then continue with the description of Lana. Maybe even little tit bits about what else Clark was doing while he was filming Lana. I mean did he really need two hands to hold that camera?


she began to realize how wet her crotch was

oh? How?.....and why?

I would love to have gotten more 'inside' Clark's head too. i.e. "Fuck that Lana's got great tits!" he thought as he felt his cock swelling inside his shorts.

Overall this is a good little read, just a little more detail would have made it better.

You know Rennie, I believe even those culturally void people who don't watch that show will enjoy this kinky little story of yours.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a good day,

Alex (fem)

 

[rennie]

Firstly i'd just like to thank The_Bragis for giving me feedback?

Secondly id like to address some of the points brought up:

1. I have not included the characters reasoning for leaving a present/ watching because this is addressed in the storyline of the episode in which it was set.

2. Its not Clark sat in the tree it is a character called Greg who actually left a present for lana and then filmed her in the episode in which this story is set.

3. Although many people may be bothered about what he was feeling sat watching her, i was not! i was interested only in writing about the woman and what she was feeling, you could say that apart from a little at the beginning describing her thoughts that the story could be taken directly from his recording and so would not show him or his thoughts.

Thanks again for giving your time to provide me with feedback and i hope that the above points might clear up some of the reasoning in my writing.