Feedback, please... Brown Eyes 03

[KarennaC]

I'm hoping for some feedback on my story "Brown Eyes Ch. 03". Chapters 1 and 2 have been up for a while and are solidly in the 4's. Chapter 3 went up Friday and has gone from a 5 to a 3.3; it's also gone up to seven or eight votes, then back down to five. (I'm guessing sweeps had something to do with that.) I'm interested to see what people think of this chapter, and of course if you want to read the first two chapters, I won't stop you LOL.

Here's the link:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=356567

 

[rachlou]

Ok - I read all three chapters! I liked the characters, although I thought Javier was rather controlling. You portrayed Adrienne's insecurities and low self esteem very well; she felt very real to me.

The story moved along nicely. You probably could have cut some of the introductory scene on the boat as some of the conversation seemed unecessary. Same applied to the chat room conversations in all chapters.

I felt the story lost some of the impetus in the third chapter. Despite you setting the reader up for a sex scene, it never happened, and I suspect a few people found that annoying! Might explain the lower votes.

Overall I like your writing style. Your characters are believable and the emotion is there too. Look forward to reading more from you.

 

[KarennaC]

Rachlou, thanks for reading! I think you may be right, that the absence of an actual sex scene in chapter 3 irritated some readers. When I noticed the low scores, that was my first thought. There was a reason for the chapter ending the way it did, but that's hard to get across in writing.

I agree that the chat room conversations got a little clunky; I just finished chapter 4 of this series, and other than one or two lines, the chat room is brushed off with "We spent some time in the chat room." The story's becoming more Javier and Adrienne focused as I keep working on it.

Javier is controlling; I'm trying my hardest not to portray him that way, but the character keeps taking over. I'm glad that Adrienne seems realistic.

Thank you very much!

 

[August_Bouvier]

... I'm trying my hardest not to portray him that way, but the character keeps taking over.

I think that's a good thing when it happens. Delve into it, see where it takes you.

It could help Adrienne get comfortable in standing up for herself, and if he's the kind of guy that listens and is respectful of her opinion, instead of just barking orders, then there's no problem in him being strong. Maybe she wants/needs a strong man.


All the best!

 

[KarennaC]

August, thanks! I agree, sometimes it is good to let the characters do their own things; the story sometimes comes out better that way.

I think Javier comes across as controlling because he's trying to encourage Adrienne to stand on her own, but is going about it the wrong way. Or maybe it is the right way; we'll have to see what it does for Adrienne.

 

[August_Bouvier]

I think Javier comes across as controlling because he's trying to encourage Adrienne to stand on her own, but is going about it the wrong way.

If you're mindful of this as you write/edit, it will make for a compelling read. They can both learn something valuable from each other. Instead of him just being the hero, he can help her be her own hero, along with being his heroine.

I'm interested to see what unfolds.

Best,

August

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Hi, I like the style. It's nice to read.

I agree with the earlier post that you do a good job in putting across Adrienne's insecurities.

I think the chapter could have used a little bit of judicial use of the scalpel. There was a little too much on working out the directions

 

[sethp]

I like it.. it had this really mellow, relaxed style that I found refreshing? very nice!

 

[KarennaC]

August, it definitely could, and that's the direction I'm heading with the story if Javier will cooperate. I want Adrienne to become a stronger, more confident person with his help. Thank you; I'm looking forward to it to! No matter how much I plan before I write, the finished product does not always come out the way I'd planned. (Kind of like sex, sometimes... LOL.)

Manyeyedhydra, thanks for your comment. I do, at times, suffer from what Stephen King calls "diarrhea of the word-processor", but I'm not quite sure what you mean by "working out the directions". Could you explain a little more, please? That will help me make sure I don't run into the same problem in subsequent chapters.

Seth, thank you!