Feedback please (be gentle!)

[RoseMadder]

Hi,

I have just had my first story approved. The link is here:

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=200890

I would really appreciate some feedback as, although I have wanted to write this type of thing for a while, I haven't really had the guts!

Although I feel the story isn't bad for a first go, I'd love to hear what you all think of it. Feedback on how it could be better and some tips for future stories would be really appreciated.

I look forward to hearing what you have to say.

Thanks in advance.

 

[trendyredhead]

I thought it was interesting, but I was left wondering why SHE was paying, rather than the other way around. However, it was still hot - anonymous sex is certainly enticing, isn't it?

Personally, I have a very hard time reading a story written in present tense (sits, touches, licks). My preference is past tense (sat, touched, licked), and that's really the only drawback I saw to this story. If you were to write all your stories in present tense, I'd have a hard time reading them, even if the subject matter intrigued me.

For a first submission, I think you did a very good job and I encourage you to continue writing.

And from all of us here at Lit - welcome. I hope you'll stick around.

trendyredhead

 

[karebeargirl]

A few thoughts on your story

First let me say welcome to the world of erotic literature. After reading your story I feel you will fit right in here. I haven't been here long myself and have only published 3 stories thus far, I would like to offer a suggestion to you about your recent story. I did enjoy your story and would certainly look forward to perhaps more of the story line as you develop it in the future.

The only constructive thought I have for you is to perhaps give some thought to allowing yourself to get deeper into the mind of the characters as you write to draw us into the events and attempt to place ourselves in the characters heads. You are very good at being descriptive as to the action going on and keeping us, the readers, aware of what is transpiring in the story but I would really have enjoyed the story line more if I was allowed to get into the head of either the main character or, even better, the heads of all the characters in the action.

Keep up the great writing and I am looking forward to your sequels as well as any other story lines you may right in the future. And once again welcome

 

[RoseMadder]

Thank you both for your opinions. Funnily enough, I showed this story to a friend of mine who writes for a living and he came up with pretty much the same points!

trendyredhead, to answer your question, I was trying to give the 'power' back to Ali by implying that she was paying for sex with men rather than her being paid. I can see how if I had expanded her character before the scene, that would have been more obvious.

Your comments have been very helpful and I will bear them in mind when I attempt my next story.

Thank you.

 

[Dinsmore]

I like the story---I like the visuals. I also agree that past tense is more readable and I always use it. I also agree that the thoughts that the characters have are often sexier than their actions. Conversation can be pretty erotic, also. Also, more understanding of how the character got to this point is helpful.

With your superb visualization---setting the scene---you could easily take the story, put it in past tense, add some thought pieces and maybe dialogue and turn a good story into a great story. You have the theme, the setting and the characters, but it the characters that need to be 'awakened' and given, 'body'.

 

[Seduce]

Although English is not my mother language, I didnt find your story hard to read........ present tense can give one a feeling of special atmosphere..... but I did feel a lack of dialogue...... all together I like it very much

 

[RoseMadder]

Thank you all for your comments and observations.

Since submitting 'Ali' I have written another story which needs editing but will be submitted shortly.

I have again written in the present tense, but it's a first person story and it felt better to write it in that way.

I tried to develop the characters more and have added thought pieces and dialogue too. I will post a link if it's accepted and ask for your comments again.

Many thanks again.

Rose x