Feedback please: A Father's Love.

[mycuriousnature]

I would really appreciate some feedback on the story series I wrote.

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-fathers-love-7

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-fathers-love-ch-02-1

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-fathers-love-ch3

Thank you everyone!

 

[TheRedChamber]

Generally I don't like incest stories, in fact there usually a complete turn of, so that fact that you really sold this to me and I found a lot of it deeply erotic says a lot about the strength of the writing. It was mostly very believable and tender and didn't even descend into stereotypical 'porno' type unbelievable sex as many of these story do. If this is your first story, then you've done remarkably well, and your writing is much better than mine (still waiting to have my first story cleared).

A couple of comments.

I think your writing got much better through the three chapters. Especially I'd go back and seriously rewrite beginning as the first few paragraphs are especially weak e.g. "My wife and I had a very loving marriage" (Not really true as events later demonstrate", I don't think you need to say this happened four years ago blah blah. You repeat things like "we weren't sure when to put her into school...there was a little confusion about when to put her into a regular public school" etc. I think that later on either your writing got a lot better or I go so into the story I didn't care so much (probably a little of both).

I think your chapters are a little long sometimes. Most stories on the site seem to run on for 2 or 3 pages, where are you are commonly writing 4. I read the whole three chapters in one go (and I've got important work I should be doing at the moment!) so maybe its not really a problem, but especially in chapters 1 and 2 it seemed like there structure was a bit like "we talked, we had sex, we talked, we had sex, we talked, we had sex". It may sound strange on literotica but sometimes I felt there were too many sex scenes! Similarly I though chapter 3 could easily be split into two chapters, with everything upto the mum leaving being in the first, and then the cruise in the second.

I felt that the beginning of chapter 3 was the weakest part. For one thing you told us at the ending to part one that they never got caught, which completely killed the suspense for their risky behaviour. I'm afraid I really didn't believe they would regularly have sex at night with the son in the next bedroom (especially first time anal sex!). It might be okay in other stories, but since you're working so hard to keep it realistic elsewhere...

One little thing I didn't quite get was, when Sam pretends to Brenda to have been out all night drinking, I didn't quite see how that situation worked; it was 5 in the morning, so how come they were both up? Was Sam in the main bedroom and couldn't get back to her own bedroom? Was Brenda going to come up to the bedroom? If she couldn't get to her own bedroom how come she could get to the front door to open and close it. If Sam wasn't in danger of being caught sleeping with David, (i.e. she was already up) what exactly was the danger? I read those paragraphs a few times and I'm afraid I just don't get it (maybe I'm being a little thick)

Interesting to see you're going to write another chapter; for me the story finished very strongly, and I'm not sure what more there is to say, but I'm happy to be surprised. Keep up the good work.

 

[mycuriousnature]

Thanks for the info! I went back and reworked chapter 1 a bit to make it more in-line with the rest of the story.

I was debating whether or not to make chapter 3 two submissions or not. In the future I'll keep it in mind when writing future works.

Thank you!!!!

 

[RichardBlake]

Quite an enjoyable read! Kudos on the title; I've used it as well. I mean that as a compliment, of course. Literotica's big enough for all our dirty tales. Best wishes.