Feedback on writing

[klapperz]

I've written a small handful of stories and was wondering if I could ask for your time to give me brutal and honest feedback about my style of writing, any annoyances or frustrations.

I run all my stories through a grammar and spelling checker so there shouldn't be (too many) silly mistakes, but if a few get through I do apologise.

I'm not expecting anyone to edit my work for free, but just if you would have a couple of minutes free to read on of my stories (or even just a few paragraphs) and give me some directions to improve I would be so appreciative.

Some things I think I can improve on:
- I feel dialog is done poorly, where I constantly use "said One, said Two, said One, replied Two". Is my current style annoying?
- I feel my vocabulary isn't diverse enough. I tend to just get to the point. Should I be using more description?

My most recent ones showing off my current style of writing is:
- https://www.literotica.com/s/controlled-ch-01-happy-birthday
- https://www.literotica.com/s/the-mixed-correctional-ch-01

I know some of you prefer docx format for reading so I've converted it here, but if I can do anything to make this easier please let me know:
- https://drive.google.com/open?id=1jnFnsbcmaeY-ER2Cai9K4_a7JzPsjdLS
- https://drive.google.com/open?id=1eS8IgggO5Wv7FXG8ucyEr0V1lgBDFvVH


Thank you for your valuable time!

 

[Jada59]

I've written a small handful of stories and was wondering if I could ask for your time to give me brutal and honest feedback about my style of writing, any annoyances or frustrations.

I run all my stories through a grammar and spelling checker so there shouldn't be (too many) silly mistakes, but if a few get through I do apologise.

I'm not expecting anyone to edit my work for free, but just if you would have a couple of minutes free to read on of my stories (or even just a few paragraphs) and give me some directions to improve I would be so appreciative.

Some things I think I can improve on:
- I feel dialog is done poorly, where I constantly use "said One, said Two, said One, replied Two". Is my current style annoying?
- I feel my vocabulary isn't diverse enough. I tend to just get to the point. Should I be using more description?

My most recent ones showing off my current style of writing is:
- https://www.literotica.com/s/controlled-ch-01-happy-birthday
- https://www.literotica.com/s/the-mixed-correctional-ch-01

I know some of you prefer docx format for reading so I've converted it here, but if I can do anything to make this easier please let me know:
- https://drive.google.com/open?id=1jnFnsbcmaeY-ER2Cai9K4_a7JzPsjdLS
- https://drive.google.com/open?id=1eS8IgggO5Wv7FXG8ucyEr0V1lgBDFvVH


Thank you for your valuable time!

I read the first one. Sci Fi isn't usually my thing but I actually liked it! I did see a couple of missing question marks. I am hoping there is more to this story because it just sort of ended and made me want to know more.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Some things I think I can improve on:
- I feel dialog is done poorly, where I constantly use "said One, said Two, said One, replied Two". Is my current style annoying?
- I feel my vocabulary isn't diverse enough. I tend to just get to the point. Should I be using more description?

Your dialog is bland but workable. "Said" is okay as a speech tag, but you could reduce the number of times you use it by context alone - it's not needed every time someone speaks.

Go read this thread for some useful commentary on the use of speech tags:

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1349692

Watch your punctuation:

Ben walked past them both and teased "hurry up, no time to waste,"

should read:

Ben walked past them both and teased, "Hurry up, no time to waste,"

You've answered your own question regarding description - yes, describe more. Your style is quite mechanical. You're telling it like an instruction manual, but there's not much feeling or emotion, no sense of character coming through - ironically, like your robot.

You need to proof-read more rigorously - in the second paragraph of the second story he's doing twenty years in the first sentence, ten years in the last sentence...

 

[klapperz]

I read the first one. Sci Fi isn't usually my thing but I actually liked it! I did see a couple of missing question marks. I am hoping there is more to this story because it just sort of ended and made me want to know more.

Thanks for taking the time to read and for the feedback @Jada59, and it's makes me glad you liked the story. I'll go over all my question marks and make sure they are were they are supposed to be. Did you notice any other silly problems that I missed?

Your dialog is bland but workable. "Said" is okay as a speech tag, but you could reduce the number of times you use it by context alone - it's not needed every time someone speaks.

Go read this thread for some useful commentary on the use of speech tags:

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1349692

Watch your punctuation:

should read:


You've answered your own question regarding description - yes, describe more. Your style is quite mechanical. You're telling it like an instruction manual, but there's not much feeling or emotion, no sense of character coming through - ironically, like your robot.

You need to proof-read more rigorously - in the second paragraph of the second story he's doing twenty years in the first sentence, ten years in the last sentence...

Thanks for your time reading both of my stories @electricblue66. You're feedback is so valuable, and confirms what I thought about my style of writing. The link has some great information and I'm going to go through the story again and try and change the dialog a bit.

Punctuation is something I struggle with and tips like the one you provided are great. I keep reading over the hints on this forum but still it doesn't seem to sink in naturally to me.

I'm also going to try and add description the feelings and emotion from the characters a bit more too.

As for the second story, the date is something stupid I should have picked up. Very annoyed at myself for that.

Thanks again to both of you!

 

[ElectricBlue]

Thanks for your time reading both of my stories @electricblue66. You're feedback is so valuable, and confirms what I thought about my style of writing. The link has some great information and I'm going to go through the story again and try and change the dialog a bit.

I'd suggest taking on board the ideas and write your next story, don't fuss with the last one. That way you have two stories, not one story, twice. You learn more writing a new piece, I reckon.