Feedback on Workplace story . . please

[YOURSEXYWIFE]

Hi everyone.

I just want to share my first story I wrote. I'm excited that Literotica approved without any editor's notes (whewww). Anyways, I would appreciate any comments, etc so I know what I can improve on for my next store.

In brief, it's about a payroll secretary giving an "average" employee a lesson on timesheet preperation, in the middle of the work building (toolboxes, workbench, etc.).

Thanks for reading.

Your Sexy Wife

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=115324

 

[KillerMuffin]

"Oh fuck don’t stop . . . . I'm cummming" I screamed, grinding my clit on his tongue and arching myself almost off the toolbox.

should be:

"Oh fuck don’t stop . . . I'm cummming," I screamed, grinding my clit on his tongue and arching myself almost off the toolbox.

 

[YOURSEXYWIFE]

Thank you for your editing help.

 

[steveinda]

Feedback

I found the story a bit abrupt, though a good first try. I liked the start about the extra attention you get and how it made you feel, walking down the halls, etc.

Personally I like to have the time, as a reader, to get excited and anticipate the action coming. If the characters are excited before I am, it is a little less enjoyable.

A memory of a prior meeting and some small talk, e.g. how he flirted, maybe made your nipples visibly hard, something that led to the "timesheet error" and justifies a physical attack later.

I think a little more backround about the man and what attracted you to him might have helped me as well. I like to hear what the charaters are thinking and/or what motivates them. Maybe a paragraph or two about how long it had been since she has had sex, or that all the attention from men had left her damp and frustrated so many times that she needed to take action. Just my gut reaction...keep at it.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

You really need help with your verb tenses. You go from present tense to past to past perfect tense without rhyme or reason, and it makes the story kind of disorienting.

Excerpt:
-----------------------
Deric’s eyes lit up when he seen my newly shaved pussy swelled with pleasure awaiting his tongue. He began to lick my clit with slow even strokes, and slowly thrusting his tongue inside me. I began to moan louder and louder. I grab his hair begging him to stop, but he continued to press his face closer to my pussy. "Oh fuck don’t stop . . . . I'm cummming" I screamed, grinding my clit on his tongue and arching myself almost off the toolbox. I scream his name and he frantically lick up all my cum juices. I lean over and kiss him passionately enjoying the taste of myself on his lips.
------------------------

It gives me the feeling that maybe you're not a native English speaker, in which case I would suggest trying to find an editor to help you with this problem, as it's quite pervasive and distracting and kept me from reading much farther than the excerpt.

In all, I'm afraid the entire story seems kind of slapdash and not very well developed. In the sentence that follows the excerpt you tell us that Deric (and what an odd spelling. I've never seen Derrick spelled that way before) "lifted [you] up" without "moving a muscle". Think about this. How is that possible? That's just sloppy writing, not paying attention to what you're saying.

Wish I could say something more positive, but this one's not ready for prime time.

---dr.M.

 

[YOURSEXYWIFE]

Your criticism, even though harsh, is appreciated. As I mentioned in my first post, this was my first submission and my first Erotic story I’ve written. I actually wrote this from fantasy and yes, sometimes my mind works faster than my fingers typing causing errors – something I will pay special attention too in the future.

Just because someone maybe a “native” doesn’t mean they need “special help” to resolve the problem. I am currently a college student and working on improving myself and my writing abilities. . . . through trial and error.

Once again, thank you for your constructive criticism; however, you can really discourage a young writer.

 

[beefyboy]

fine sentiments but

the truth is, YOURSEXYWIFE, it's not really writing until it's written right. You can make all the hearts pulse or cocks hard or brains race with your writing, but if grammar aren't mastered, you will lose people at each instance of poor execution. I'd suggest you either learn the language really well, or find a good editor.

 

[*Catbabe*]

Your criticism, even though harsh, is appreciated. As I mentioned in my first post, this was my first submission and my first Erotic story I’ve written. I actually wrote this from fantasy and yes, sometimes my mind works faster than my fingers typing causing errors – something I will pay special attention too in the future.

Just because someone maybe a “native” doesn’t mean they need “special help” to resolve the problem. I am currently a college student and working on improving myself and my writing abilities. . . . through trial and error.

Once again, thank you for your constructive criticism; however, you can really discourage a young writer.

Your right when you say that one's mind works faster than one's fingers. That is exactly the reason that stories need to be read over and over, before they should be considered completed. The proofreading/editing phase of writing is just as important as the original writing of the story. If you read your story slowly and out loud you will learn to catch sentences that don't make sense, spelling errors or missing words. You will also get a better sense of whether or not the story works as a whole.

I think you misread dr. M's comments in one spot and made a rather dangerous statement about them. He didn't say that someone who was "native" might need special help. He said that some of your mistakes seemed to indicate that perhaps English was not your native or first language.

You say you are working on improving your writing abilitites, but that you found the constructive criticism discouraging. I understand that everyone likes to hear that they are great and their writing rocks but those kind of statements will never help you improve. The people here on this board are only trying to help and if you keep that in mind, it softens the blow.

Trial and error is a tough way to learn the ins and outs of grammar. If you ever need help or have questions feel free to pm me.

Good luck,
Cat

 

[dr_mabeuse]

YSW--

I didn't mean to discourage you from writing. It just seemed to me that either (a) you have real trouble with verb tenses and certain elements of grammar, or (b) you just didn't take the time to proofread your story before posting it. If (a), then you really need editorial help. If (b), then the story was not ready for posting.

When you ask for feedback on this board, you're very likely going to get it, so it's a good idea to get your story into as good a shape as you possibly can before bringing it here. The easiest things for people to criticize are grammar, spelling, and punctuation: the mechanics of writing. I don't think anyone's going to jump on you for an occasional lapse in mechanics--we all make them--but when they appear consistently throughout a story, it's a real problem.

Luckily, problems with mechanics are pretty easy to fix. You just have to run your story by an editor or even a friend who can spot them. But as Catbabe says, rereading, editing, and proofreading are all as essential to writing as putting the words down in the first place.

I'm sorry if I discouraged you. But I'll bet you that the next time you submit something it will be better, so you're already improving.

---dr.M.

 

[A7inchPhildo]

A little advice:
Have you read your story out loud? May you even tape/record your reading then listen to it. That can help catch a lot of errors with the missing words and some of the verb tenses.

Forgetting this is a common placed story it lacks a stronger build up and some flow. I would say you have potential to stir the reader but in this story I can honestly say I did not have time to be aroused. That has nothing to do with the number of words in the story it has to do with how the story never moved my mind.

Need to put some feel, touch, taste, smell, sights, hearing into it that the reader can understand.

Quote_______________________________________________
Without me moving a muscle, Deric picked me up while I still straddling his face and moved me to his workbench. I wanted to taste his big cock so bad. I could see from his work overalls that the outline of his penis was huge and begging to be put into a nice warm mouth. As Deric leaned back on the workbench, I crawled between his legs and began to stroke his huge member. I bent down in front of him and started slowly licking his pre-cum off of his cock. The fingers of my other hand slid in between his ass cheeks and I started rimming his ass
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Think about it if I told you I have a big cock do you know any thing? I'ts huge so is mine to a midget? (LoL)
I think it has only been said 1,000,000 times but use similies and metaphores to enhance it and cut down on words, it is big as a ??? or huge like a ??? the man was a real "snake" and I liked that

Please check out this web page I know it deals with poetry but many items found usefull in poetry are usefull in stories. Poems need to get a message across fast so they utilize hidden meanings in the words. (P3. Semantic analysis of poetry)

will bring you to similies and metaphores but there is a lot of other things that send a message to the reader as well such as alliteration, antonomasia, periphrasis, oxymoron, euphemism, hyperbola ... http://www.uni-koeln.de/~ame02/pppp.htm#P4


As the good Dr M pointed out names are very important Deric I know it means like precious gold medal or something but my image is a a sand bag pilled together to hold back water. This is why I never use names of people I know (not to protect them) it is because I am bias as to what that name projects to others. I know there are some good suggestions on the story index page and explanations.

I mention you have potential because I think what you wanted to say you have in your mind and was detailed to you, you just need to practice on getting your complete thoughts to other people like me! Then this story could be (not this story) but one like it very erotic. If you are looking for Ideas come on over to the story Ideas room and ask every one has an idea harder to get some one to commit to writing it. Or perhaps you would like some feed on a topic you have.

If you would like more of my insightful nothingness I live in never, never land but you can send a PM.