Feedback on this short thing - should I expand it?

[punkreader]

I mistakenly made a thread on the wrong forum: Authors' Hangout instead of Story Feedback. The original thread is here: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=770047. Feel free to use the poll that I placed there, or not. I'd like feedback on these two pieces, please, one in the "category" of Lesbian Sex, the other in Non-Consent and Fantasy. Both are very short, and the one entitled Ritual is a definitive part of a main story, just plucked out for its own purposes.

"Ritual" can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7112351/1/Ritual

Here is the shorter Lesbian Sex piece, written anonymously by myself and placed in a "Guess the author's gender game". Everyone seems to think I'm male.

----

The noblewoman surveyed her apartments with a critical eye.

"They're still not clean enough. Again, " she ordered the young servant, pointing to an invisible spot on the floor.

With a resigned sigh, a bow, and a "Yes, mistress, " the bone-weary maiden began scrubbing again. Her hands and knees were rubbed raw from it, and she couldn't help wincing when she moved.

A smile, a cruel one, lifted the lips of the lady of the house. "That's better. No, wait...Get that spot over there, girl." A flick of her wrist indicated where she wanted her - the motion reminded the girl, eerily, of someone using a switch.

With her thoughts slowly turning elsewhere - certainly nowhere near her constantly-absent, always demanding husband - she watched the girl work, considerably more concerned with how her clothes moved around her rough body than how clean her floor was.

She rested her chin in a well-kept hand, careful to keep her sumptuous kimono out of the way. She was enjoying this, as she always did - she understood very well, however, that their servants loathed her. Her own maidservants especially, for she was never satisfied, working them to the bone, sometimes ending it with punishment even if the job had been done to perfection. And she always watched.

"I need to go check on the accounts, " she said when she had had enough, as though talking to air. She left the hall, indeed to go check on accounts, although they were not her husband's. They were hers, and she needed to make sure she could still easily cover and hide tonight's upcoming excursion. If she couldn't, the maidservants would feel it instead of the delightful new girl she was planning to hire for the third time.

The young woman excited her, and her honesty was refreshing. She was getting better, too, at what her customer wanted, and was quick to please, despite the fire in her eyes. She would bring her here, she thought, to avoid liability; she never hired the same girl more than twice, and switched pleasure houses constantly so that recognition would be dubious at best. This one, however, struck her differently. And despite her best efforts, she felt attachment blooming. Attachment stemming from the girl seeming to want her attention and her sexual taboos, no matter how sadistic she could be, and from her, secretly, wanting the girl's, seeing easily that she trusted very, very few.

She simply hoped that the nine-pronged whip she hid in her apartments wouldn't scare her off...

----

It's so short because the requirement was under 500 words. What do you think, should I expand it? Or leave it alone? (The noblewoman here is the same as in my other two posted pieces, "Unexpected Pleasures" and "Late Morning".)

Feedback for me on either, or both?

Thank you so very much!

 

[Stella_Omega]

I think there are some possibilities. The whole thing seems very sketch-like to me. I love drabbles-- I try to keep them to one hundred words, which means each word has to be very carefully chosen-- it's almost like writing poetry. Add to that the requirements of a beginning, middle and--if not an end, then at least a denouement-- and you've got a helluva challenge in front of you!

The noblewoman surveyed her apartments with a critical eye.

"They're still not clean enough. Again, " she ordered the young servant, pointing to an invisible spot on the floor.

With a resigned sigh, a bow, and a "Yes, mistress, " the bone-weary maiden began scrubbing again. Her hands and knees were rubbed raw from it, and she couldn't help wincing when she moved.

If the girl is already on her knees, she can't bow. If she standing, you can use the pain of her returning to her knees to give us insight into her character.

A smile, a cruel one, lifted the lips of the lady of the house. "That's better. No, wait...Get that spot over there, girl." A flick of her wrist indicated where she wanted her - the motion reminded the girl, eerily, of someone using a switch.

I like the lady's flick of the wrist, but don't see why the motion of someone using a switch would be eery. Painful, or foreboding, perhaps. But her smile has already told us that she's cruel.

With her thoughts slowly turning elsewhere - certainly nowhere near her constantly-absent, always demanding husband - she watched the girl work, considerably more concerned with how her clothes moved around her rough body than how clean her floor was.

We are head-hopping. a moment ago, we were inside the girl's head-- suddenly we are very deep inside the Lady's. (This might be why people thought the writer was male) Head hopping is exceedingly tricky to pull off well, without confusing the readers.

She rested her chin in a well-kept hand, careful to keep her sumptuous kimono out of the way. She was enjoying this, as she always did - she understood very well, however, that their(do you mean the household servants?) servants loathed her. Her own maidservants especially, for she was never satisfied, working them to the bone, sometimes ending it with punishment even if the job had been done to perfection. And she always watched.

"I need to go check on the accounts, " she said when she had had enough, as though talking to air. She left the hall, indeed to go check on accounts, although they were not her husband's. They were hers, and she needed to make sure she could still easily cover and hide tonight's upcoming excursion. If she couldn't, the maidservants would feel it instead of the delightful new girl she was planning to hire for the third time.

she's hiring the new girl for the third time? Then she isn't exactly new...

The young woman excited her, and her honesty was refreshing. She was getting better, too, at what her customer wanted, and was quick to please, despite the fire in her eyes. She would bring her here, she thought, to avoid liability; she never hired the same girl more than twice, and switched pleasure houses constantly so that recognition would be dubious at best. This one, however, struck her differently. And despite her best efforts, she felt attachment blooming. Attachment stemming from the girl seeming to want her attention and her sexual taboos, no matter how sadistic she could be, and from her, secretly, wanting the girl's, seeing easily that she trusted very, very few.

All of this is sudden exposition. You've given us no hint that any of this was in the offing: What honesty? Getting better at what, washing floors? Is washing floors a sex act for this woman? How can that be taboo? And the last sentence is pretty garbled, I'm afraid. Perhaps you can turn it into two or three, to make your meaning clear.

She simply hoped that the nine-pronged whip she hid in her apartments wouldn't scare her off...

Um, duh. damn straight it would "scare her off." But the girl is a prostitute, she has no rights, it wouldn't matter if she were scared or not. Also-- one rarely hears of prongs in a whip. I hate to say this but that description absolutely reeks of newby-ism-- unless you have a description of the whip, and some sort of back story as to its historic use in this universe you've invented.

And why would this lady hide her toys from anyone, anyway?

You have a very nice writing style, and I think you should keep writing, for sure!

Think about your plot and your premise. Either this Lady has absolute power-- which has been done to death, let's face it-- or she has her own set of problems, which might include her having to hide her predilictions, and might give the girl a little bit of edge, make them co-conspirators in a BDSM game. That would be sexy to me!

 

[punkreader]

I think there are some possibilities. The whole thing seems very sketch-like to me. I love drabbles-- I try to keep them to one hundred words, which means each word has to be very carefully chosen-- it's almost like writing poetry. Add to that the requirements of a beginning, middle and--if not an end, then at least a denouement-- and you've got a helluva challenge in front of you!

It was meant as a sketch, for readers to guess at. I'm aiming to clean it up and tighten it.

If the girl is already on her knees, she can't bow. If she standing, you can use the pain of her returning to her knees to give us insight into her character.

She was standing - I should have made that clear. Good point - I like that!

I like the lady's flick of the wrist, but don't see why the motion of someone using a switch would be eery. Painful, or foreboding, perhaps. But her smile has already told us that she's cruel.

I should have clarified that: it's more foreboding than it is eerie, because the girl has had it used on her at times. She's a minor character, though, this servant. The noblewoman is one of seven viewpoint characters in the work - her lover, the particular prostitute, is another.

We are head-hopping. a moment ago, we were inside the girl's head-- suddenly we are very deep inside the Lady's. (This might be why people thought the writer was male) Head hopping is exceedingly tricky to pull off well, without confusing the readers.
she's hiring the new girl for the third time? Then she isn't exactly new...

I'll readily admit that I enjoy head-hopping, but I normally don't execute it this way. Mine is more typical of this censored excerpt: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=13058789320A45716500&page=1#3 (You're right, along with the fact that it got stereotyped as a male fantasy.) She's not actually new, but to the woman, it feels as though she still is. She's one who is easily bored and exceedingly cautious.

All of this is sudden exposition. You've given us no hint that any of this was in the offing: What honesty? Getting better at what, washing floors? Is washing floors a sex act for this woman? How can that be taboo? And the last sentence is pretty garbled, I'm afraid. Perhaps you can turn it into two or three, to make your meaning clear.

It is - unfortunately for readers, the characters and relationship and its dynamics are fully formed in my head, and I've got what I'll call "author's bias" - I know what's behind all of it, and where it leads to; my readers don't. I know it's also something I need to fix.

I'll explain to you what I was referring to with those lines; it was, again, something that's mainly in my head and not on paper.

She's pleased that the prostitute, during their first encounter, is honest about the fact that she actually doesn't know what she's doing, in part because she's quite nervous - she's used to sleeping with men, but not with women. (Their first encounter is up here, though, as "Unexpected Pleasures.") Getting better at pleasing her, in the sexual aspect, and at figuring out what 'buttons to push,' so to speak. Which is more the physical work and the subservience part than any actual chore or duty. In addition, the woman is used to being waited on hand and foot, so she expects servile behavior in at least some capacity from the women she hires for pleasure.

It's not, but punishment often is. As is exerting control. This woman, a noblewoman of high status who has shamed herself by not participating in her family's political schemes, has very little actual control in her life, and seeks to feel it by controlling her sexual partners - her husband, whom she dislikes intensely, controls her in a less overtly sadomasochistic manner, but it's still complete control over what she can do, who she can associate with, and so on. It was the nature of Japanese politics in the medieval era: women were restricted, noblewomen especially so. Or, rather, medieval politics everywhere.

Sex between men wasn’t taboo, Wikipedia can tell you that. Lesbians…are less clear. I’ve found extremely little on them during that time period, and I’m aware that medieval Japan was very open, sexually. So it would be their chasm-like class differences that are taboo – in their world, the two women aren’t ever even supposed to meet, let alone be in a relationship – and not the sex, I think. Social class and standing are of utmost importance in that setting, as is saving face.
It is, you’re right. That will get fixed.

Um, duh. damn straight it would "scare her off." But the girl is a prostitute, she has no rights, it wouldn't matter if she were scared or not. Also-- one rarely hears of prongs in a whip. I hate to say this but that description absolutely reeks of newby-ism-- unless you have a description of the whip, and some sort of back story as to its historic use in this universe you've invented.

It’s a superficial hope – her client knows full well that she can’t say no, so that musing is mostly trivial, trying to communicate more on-the-surface concern than a knowledge of how their relationship actually worked. That’s a trait that I exploit heavily, her lack of rights. True – bad word choice on my part. I am relatively new to “kink” writing, I admit, but in most pieces that I imagine, weapons aren’t often used, and it’s more the verbal and emotional control that’s the centerpiece, although in a recent gift for a friend, it was definitely physical: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7181287/1/Excruciating I’ll likely change her weapon of choice to something else, something more common. I do have a description of the whip, several, actually, but I’m dubious as to its historical use in my setting. As I said, something more common, likely a simple switch or a lash, will be substituted once I can verify it.

And why would this lady hide her toys from anyone, anyway?

Because she’s not supposed to – theoretically, anyway – have anything like them. Whacking each other with sticks was a noblewoman’s pastime, though, as much sense as that makes.

You have a very nice writing style, and I think you should keep writing, for sure!

Why, thank you! I’m a fan of your writing style!

Think about your plot and your premise. Either this Lady has absolute power-- which has been done to death, let's face it-- or she has her own set of problems, which might include her having to hide her predilictions, and might give the girl a little bit of edge, make them co-conspirators in a BDSM game. That would be sexy to me!

I’ve thought about that a lot – their relationship dynamic is complicated, and has gotten positive feedback from others who have seen it. The prostitute is driven largely by her deep fear of starvation and dying alone; she thinks that acquiring wealth will grant her the emotional security and stability to avoid that, and she’s willing to do anything to get rich. Prostitution, as she’s desperately poor and is below even the peasant in status, is really her only option. The noblewoman is afraid of attachment, and of being emotionally hurt – another reason for her not just picking a woman and being her continuous client. Here’s how I’ve explained their relationship dynamic in a number of other places. Forgive the more conversational tone…

The noblewoman is Mikami, her prostitute partner, Akiko. Mikami is human, while Akiko is a half-demon, half-human hybrid in hiding as a human, escaping persecution-by-association for her younger brother’s highly-destructive actions – actions that shattered the spiritual life of his village, and ended in the death of their priestess.

“Each person in the relationship, they play off of each other. They each want control of something big in their lives (Mikami of her life as a whole, and the other of her future and her security), and they each control a different part of the relationship. Mikami controls the physical part, and the pleasure of it, while her partner controls its emotional state and turmoil. They control each other with earnest affection and selfishness all at once. So their power dynamics, unique to each, interplay on the other's weakness or area of need. Her partner's are: affection, freedom, and usefulness; Mikami's, by contrast, are: control, desire, and superiority. Mikami, with her servants (who absolutely HATE her), is cruel and haughty, and enjoys making the woman work far harder than the men for her own enjoyment. They are at her complete command, and she takes advantage of this and treats them with less than admirable goals while her husband is away. However, with her lover, she is fun and very playful, mischevious, but rarely cold or hurtful. She enjoys teasing her, but not the cold sort of emotional teasing, the physical kind that the other secretly enjoys a great deal. Mikami finds pleasure in controlling her partner, while acknowledging that she is similarly controlled by the same person. They both allow thmselves to be manipulated and "used" for the sake of the other, believing it to be helpful and strengthening. And they both love being treated in such a way. The other, however, is not a masochist, and doesn't much enjoy the sadism aspect of the other - it is tolerated for the affection and wealth it brings (as part of prostitute's contract).”

Thank you very much for your helpful feedback! You’ll definitely see this story.

 

[bwallard]

You don't clean and tighten a sketch. You flesh it out.

"Noblewoman" is replaced by a concise description and minimal action that gives the reader the impression of a noblewoman. How do you see her? There is a picture in your mind when you write "noblewoman". Give us that picture.

And so on...

It's good you're starting with an outline. Never works for me, but it does very well for some.